MONDAY, OCTOBER 12 Put the ethical-thinking portion of your brain on red alert—here comes the most stinking scoop of the week from Hollyweird! Remember that soulful (yet funny) public apology David Letterman made last Monday after earlier admitting he had slept with staff members behind the back of wife Regina Lasko? Well according to lippy pals, Lasko has hereby deemed the televised apology "insufficient!" Fox News reports that last Monday's mea culpa was something Letterman had no intention of doing, but according to a snoop close to Lasko, "Regina told him he better make an apology to let everyone know how sorry he was for how much he hurt and humiliated her." The snoop also says that Letterman would be allowed "one or two jokes as long as they weren't at her expense." However, tonight when Letterman threw in a couple more wisecracks than was previously agreed upon, Lasko got all fumey! "Regina felt like Dave's humorous take on the apology lessened the sincerity of it, and she's not happy at all," said the source. Dear married men: There's a reason the phrase goes, "Cheaters never win."

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 13 Here's the story of a special kind of Portland love. The Oregonian reports of a local man who not only got physical with his ex-gal pal when she refused to get back together with him—but he also stabbed her pet fish. Court records say that Sarah Harris came home to find ex-boyfriend Donald Earl Fite III lying on her bed (ew), and begging to get back together. When she refused, Fite knocked her around the apartment before Harris made her escape. Returning later with a police officer, they found Harris' Betta fish "Delorean" stuck to the wood floor with a knife through its belly. According to police, Fite quickly admitted to murdering Delorean, telling them, "If she can't have me, then she can't have the fish." After pleading guilty today to animal abuse and domestic violence assault, the judge ordered Fite to stay away from Harris, but—and we're not making this up—he could still have contact with fish. Think that's unfair? Just wait until the next time Fite goes swimming in a lake, or eats in a seafood restaurant where there are tanks filled with live fish, crab, and eels. Then he'll learn what "fish justice" really means.

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 14 Have you ever been diagnosed with an "incurable" sexually transmitted disease, and then a scientific breakthrough suddenly renders the disease curable? That's how we felt today after learning that after next month, Jon & Kate Plus Eight will be going off the air... forever! After months of very public bickering, Jon took a break from dating a litany of bimbos to grow a conscience and decided that the reality show was doing irreparable harm to his children. (Coincidentally, Jon received this epiphany AFTER he was kicked off the program—so make of that what you will.) But don't worry, lovers of domestic mental abuse! We still have months of juicy legal wrangling, court cases, and the eventual heartrending custody battle. It'll be like watching your parents divorce all over again! (Except this time, you won't be carving "I hate Mommy and Daddy" into your thigh.)

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 15 Omigod, you guys! According to this blaring headline from Us Weekly: "Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer: They're Back On!" Do you realize what this means? We can finally dust off our Roget's Thesaurus (Special Horse Synonym and Antonym Edition), and spend thousands of column inches on Aniston's horselike face and John's horselike phallus, and... and... CRAP!! THIS JUST IN! Multiple news outlets are reporting that a homemade weather balloon has escaped over Colorado with a six-year-old boy trapped inside! (Okay, so maybe this is slightly more important than Jen and John. Whinney.) According to still breaking reports, the child is six-year-old Falcon Heene whose parents are "weather-chasing and extraterrestrial enthusiasts" (whaaaa?) and have been featured on the ABC reality show Wife Swap (WHAAA?). Law enforcement officials are frantically searching... wait. THIS JUST IN! The balloon has landed—without the boy inside! Several spectators swear they saw something fall from the balloon, sending officials and search helicopters on a mad... hold on. THIS JUST IN! Six-year-old Falcon has been found, hiding inside a box in the attic of his parents' garage! OH, THANK GOD! The poor parents must have been simply frantic with worry—but now that their beloved son has been recovered, they can... just a second. THIS JUST IN! During a live Larry King interview, when the boy was asked by his father why he didn't respond when they were calling for him, Falcon responded, "You had said we did this for a show." THIS JUST IN! WHAT... THE... FUCK????

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 16 Today Falcon Heene, the six-year-old who was ostensibly trapped in a balloon 7,000 feet above the ground, threw up. Twice. On national television. His first hurl was on Today; as Falcon sat on the lap of his father, Richard, host Meredith Vieira asked the Heenes if the whole thing had been a hoax. An indignant Richard insisted it wasn't—at which point, Falcon asked his mother for a bowl, which he promptly blew chunks into. THEN... A few hours later, over on ABC, Falcon was questioned about his fishy "we did this for the show" comment—at which point, right on cue, the poor kid vomited again. (Thankfully, it was off-camera this time, though his horking sounds were clearly audible). Hmm. We hate to say it, but something about this seems... off, somehow, y'know? MEANWHILE... "Another trend about health right now is doing colonics!" Tyra Banks proclaimed on her talk show today, once again reminding everyone of her profound mental disabilities. "I know that some people are like, 'What's a colonic?'" the air-headed Banks continued. "A colonic is when you stick this, like, tube in your booty? And um, they suck the poo out of you. So it's like the opposite of diarrhea, okay? [Yes, yes... that makes no sense. And yet? There's more.] And guess what?" Tyra giggled. "We're about to do a colonic, live, on television, right now!" We hereby declare today, October 16, 2009, as the grossest day in television history.

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 17 As previously mentioned, the balloon boy's family appeared on Wife Swap, where, according to the New York Times, Richard Heene "was portrayed as erratic, at one point throwing a glass of milk on a participant on the program." And—what a coincidence!—"The producers of Wife Swap in a statement said they had been working with the family on developing a show but weren't anymore." Huh. That seems weird.

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 18 "It has been determined that this is a hoax, and that it was a publicity stunt," said Colorado Sheriff Jim Alderden today about all that balloon boy nonsense. "The [family's] plan was to launch the spacecraft for a reality TV show. The plan was to create a situation where it appeared that Falcon was in the craft to gain publicity... for a television show," the pissed-off Alderden said, adding that charges would be most definitely pressed against the attention-lovin' family. So... what next? The Times says, "The most serious charges are felonies and carry a maximum sentence of six years in prison and a $500,000 fine. Alderden said they would be seeking restitution for the costs [of the effort to rescue Falcon], though he didn't have an estimate. The cost for just the two military helicopters [that trailed the balloon] was about $14,500." SO... Listen up, TLC! All that money you're saving by canceling Jon & Kate Plus Eight? Pay off the Heenes' fines, and give 'em (and us) the reality show they (and we) so desperately want! How about this: Jon & the Octomom Plus 17 (if You Include the Balloon Boy).