MONDAY, DECEMBER 28 Sooo... what did you get for Christmas? Mmm hmm. Yes, that sounds nice. Well, you might be interested in learning that the rest of us received a raging case of the terrorist jitters thanks to a certain would-be suicide bomber who tried to blow up a plane filled with passengers on Christmas Day. And with his UNDERPANTS, no less! Luckily for all involved, the underpants malfunctioned, and with the help of a hunky Dutch citizen (mmm... lekker) who tackled the bomber, the day was saved! Naturally, Al Qaeda is taking the credit, and, in a message published on radical Islamic websites, explained why their thong bomb didn't go off as planned. "There was a technical problem that resulted in a non-complete explosion," they rationalized. Yeah, either that, or you're all a bunch of zealous hillbillies whose hatred for humankind has built a wall against any rational, intelligent thought. Maybe you should start with a technology that's a bit more your speed... like Twitter? MEANWHILE... The second terrorist attack of the holiday season has struck a little too close to home... the home of reality douchebag Jon Gosselin! The tubbier half of Jon & Kate Plus Eight returned to the apartment he shares with trashy gal pal Hailey Glassman on December 26 to find it "burglarized and trashed—with a nasty note from Glassman stabbed to their dresser with a butcher knife," according to Us magazine. But that's not the worst part! A Ming vase that was allegedly in Jon's family for 100 years was cruelly shattered. But even that wasn't the worst part! Jon's favorite Louis Vuitton shoes were shredded by a knife! (Okay, that's the worst part.) OH, AL QAEDA! NOW YOU'VE GONE TOO FAR!
TUESDAY, DECEMBER 29 Domestic terrorism week continues! Let's start with an update to the continuing Jon & Hailey saga: Police are now starting to suspect it wasn't Al Qaeda who trashed Jon's apartment and Louis Vuitton footwear—but gal pal Hailey instead! (Was the nasty note from Hailey stabbed into the bureau their first clue?) Not only does she deny the trashing, but now Hailey has taken the offensive, filing a harassment complaint against Jon for allegedly "slamming" her against the wall in a jealous rage, after he saw a picture of her smooching boxing promoter Damon Feldman. "Jon is a lover, not a fighter," countered Jon's oily lawyer. "He's been rumored to steal a kiss here and there, but he has never been accused of landing a sucker punch." Ugh! Can we charge Jon's lawyer with "verbal terrorism"? MEANWHILE... More domestic terrorism, this time involving (non-surprise!) Charlie Sheen. The "9/11 was an inside job" crackpot and star of Two and a Half Men has been charged with second-degree assault after allegedly pinning down wifey Brooke Mueller and holding a knife to her throat, after she threatened to divorce him and take the kids. Sheen then allegedly told her, "You better be in fear. If you tell anybody, I'll kill you... I have ex-police I can hire who know how to get the job done and they won't leave any trace." You know what this scene needs? A Two and a Half Men-style laughtrack.
WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 30 And the hits (kicks, slaps, and punches) just keep on coming! Deadbeat dad Michael Lohan (father to Lindsay) has been accused by his ex-girlfriend of repeated abuse that includes being "kicked in the vagina." According to TMZ, Erin Muller has filed court documents accusing Lohan of physical abuse including but not limited to: "being slapped twice because Erin accused him of giving her a fake watch on her birthday," "punching Erin in the mouth" because she had a male friend on Facebook, and the aforementioned boot to the vagina. Lohan also allegedly "spit in Erin's face, and beat her repeatedly with his fist..." yelling, "stop crying, cunt—if [other people] see you, I will kill you!" IN A RELATED STORY... Twilight's Taylor "Teen Wolf" Lautner and singer Taylor "Imma gonna let you finish" Swift have officially broken up. The good news? No one was kicked in the vagina—to the endless relief of Lautner's vagina. (Sorry, we couldn't resist. Go Team Jacob!)
THURSDAY, DECEMBER 31 Republican plotter and Bush crony Karl Rove is getting a divorce—unfortunately, no one kicked him in the vagina. MEANWHILE... Conservative radio host and former pill junkie Rush Limbaugh was rushed to the hospital today complaining of chest pains, and... hold on. THIS JUST IN! According to New York magazine, Twilight's Robert Pattinson has reportedly chipped his tooth while flossing! While details remain sketchy at this time, we'll keep you informed of the latest developments in this dental tragedy as they develop. (Confidential to Rush: You're lucky you got one sentence from us.)
FRIDAY, JANUARY 1 Eager to leave 2009 behind her, troubled starlet Lindsay Lohan is tweeting her New Year's resolutions in the poorly spelled, grammatically challenged, emoticon-filled way we've come to adore from celebrity twats: "2010 is about moving forward, not backwards. Leaving the bad (people, habbits, and negative energy behind) time to make changes-right!?!? :)" Right, LiLo! Also, a good way to start 2010? Maybe call your dad and ask him to please stop kicking people in their vaginas. MEANWHILE... Guess who else is turning over a new leaf? Tiger Woods and Elin Nordegren! Well... maybe. This weekend Elin took a skiing trip to the French Alps, where she was sighted wearing her wedding rings! "A subtle message, but one nonetheless," MSNBC slyly noted. And isn't this exactly what the holidays are all about, dears? Loving our families, putting mistakes behind us, giving love a cha—WAIT! HOLD THE PRESSES! Via the New York Daily News: "Asked by pals what her tomcatting hubby got her for the holidays, [Elin] Nordegren coolly declared, "Three hundred million dollars, thank you very much." Huh. Well... yeah. That would explain it.
SATURDAY, JANUARY 2 The new issue of the National Enquirer promises to reveal "WHO'S GAY & WHO'S NOT"! To save you four bucks (and the shame of picking it up at Safeway, where the checkers can be surprisingly judgy if you're just buying the Enquirer, some Ben & Jerry's, and a box of Franzia, as we've been known to do on occasion), here are some of the people the Enquirer thinks might be secretly gay: Anderson Cooper! Ryan Seacrest! Kevin Spacey! Cher! Kirstie Alley! Jamie Foxx! Zac Efron! Lance Armstrong! Hugh Jackman! Alex Trebek! (Wait... what?) Tommy Lee! Courtney Love! Colin Farrell! Vin Diesel! Robert "Snaggletooth" Pattinson! The Enquirer doesn't offer any proof, but no bother: With or without photographic evidence, a few glasses of Franzia will help us visualize Hugh Jackman and Zac Efron "singing musicals" together just fine. Let's just hope Trebek doesn't come in and ruin everything by forcing them to ask each other questions! (Actually, come to think of it....)
SUNDAY, JANUARY 3 A biography of Warren Beatty is hitting bookstores—and yes, normally, this would be snooze-arific news, but this bio has at least one statistic worth repeating! "Using simple arithmetic," author Peter Biskind guesses that Beatty has had sex with "12,775 women, give or take, a figure that does not include daytime quickies, drive-bys, casual gropings, stolen kisses, and so on." While you'd expect Beatty to be proud of this number—regardless of its veracity—the actor's killjoy lawyer, Bertram Fields, doesn't like it one bit! "Mr. Biskind's tedious and boring book on Mr. Beatty was not authorized by Mr. Beatty and should not be published as an authorized biography," Fields told the Huffington Post. "It contains many false assertions and purportedly quotes Mr. Beatty as saying things he never said." Okay, okay! Settle down, Bertram! If you're that worried about it, we know some people who would happily trade numbers with Warren! Like Hubby Kip, for example—who, at last count, had proudly bedded "1.275" women. (No, we've never asked how he came up with that .275. We'd recommend you don't, either.)