MONDAY, JANUARY 18 According to the Oregonian, Portland Mayor Sam Adams' former lover/scandal pal Beau Breedlove has secured a book agent and intends to write "a memoir." Excuse us for a moment. (HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAA!) Now, where were we? Oh, yes. In an email penned to the Oregonian, Breedlove said, "The book is a reflection on the events of my life before, during, and after the 'scandal' surrounding my relationship with Sam Adams." We hope he doesn't forget to include what he ordered during his date with Sam at the Macaroni Grill, and... hold on. Excuse us again for a moment. (HAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAA!) MEANWHILE...  The "Great Late-Night Wars of 2010" continue as NBC and soon-to-be former Tonight Show host Conan O'Brien struggle to reach an equitable agreement. Meanwhile, Jay Leno continues to play "cover his ass" in a feeble attempt to convince viewers this debacle isn't partially his fault. In a plea to viewers tonight on his floundering 10 pm show, Jay played the "dumb" card. Conveniently forgetting that he promised to retire five years ago, Jay pretended that the real reason he's stealing back The Tonight Show is "to keep our [staff] working." In that case, how about this: NBC keeps the staff, and sends Jay somewhere more appropriate—like the History Channel.

TUESDAY, JANUARY 19 Congratulations to The Hills harlot Heidi Montag, for breaking the "most plastic surgery procedures in one day" record! (Sorry, Joan Rivers!) According to People magazine, Heidi had a whopping 10 procedures performed on her in a single day back in November, and baby? IT SHOWS. Heidi now looks like she's permanently walking around in a wind tunnel. However, while 10 procedures may sound like a lot to you and me, Heidi insisted on today's Good Morning America that only haterz think she's addicted to plastic surgery. "I would say that none of those people know me at all," Heidi squeaked through the adjusted slit in her face. "I'm not addicted. If I were addicted, I would have had 10 plastic surgeries." Umm... apparently one of her procedures included "brain liposuction." MEANWHILE... The Democrats suffered a crushing blow tonight when the citizens of Massachusetts elected Republican newcomer Scott Brown to the Senate, thereby ruining the Dem's 60-seat majority. Republicans responded by proclaiming the victory was a grassroots rebuke to Obama's policies, and in particular, health care reform. Democrats responded by running frantically in a circle, bumping into each other, and screaming, "THIS IS NOT HAPPENING!!" before sticking their heads back inside their asses.

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 20 According to the National Enquirer (and confirmed by the New York Times, no less), Tiger Woods is being treated for sexual addiction at a rehab clinic in Hattiesburg, Mississippi. Side note: This sounds like the perfect place to put a sex rehab clinic, since the mere mention of Mississippi freeze-dries our vaheena. MEANWHILE... Speaking of sandpapering our nethers, musician/former Jennifer Aniston stallion John Mayer gave the TMI interview to end all TMI interviews to Rolling Stone today. Here's his response to the question of what he's looking for in a woman: "You need to have them be able to go toe-to-toe with you intellectually. But don't they also have to have a vagina you could pitch a tent on and just camp out on for, like, a weekend? Doesn't that have to be there, too? The Joshua Tree of vaginas?" Only if you have the Washington Monument of penises, dear.

THURSDAY, JANUARY 21 Glory hallelujah, the Great Late-Night Wars of 2010 have finally come to an end. The final tally: Conan O'Brien will receive $44 million to leave NBC forever (giving $12 million to his staff), and go someplace where he will finally be appreciated. Jay Leno will return to his former Tonight Show slot at 11:30 pm, where he will continue to amuse those with Metamucil dribbling down their chin. MEANWHILE... Former presidential hopeful and Senator John Edwards finally admitted today that he is indeed the father of two-year-old Frances Quinn Hunter, after denying the existence of his out-of-wedlock child for more than two years. In a related story, toddler Frances Quinn has already secured a book agent, and intends on writing a memoir reportedly entitled, "Goo Goo Da Da Poo Poo." (Oh, wait... that's the Beau Breedlove story.)

FRIDAY, JANUARY 22 Tonight was Conan O'Brien's final night hosting The Tonight Show—and Coco went out with class, delivering a hilarious, bittersweet show that made his shoddy treatment all the more angering. "Between my time at Saturday Night Live, The Late Show, and my brief run on The Tonight Show, I've worked with NBC for over 20 years," Conan said. "Yes, we have our differences right now; yes, we're going our separate ways. But this company has been my home for most of my adult life. I am enormously proud of the work that we have done together, and I want to thank NBC for making it all possible." He added, "Despite this sense of loss, I really feel this should be a happy moment. Every comedian dreams of hosting The Tonight Show, and for seven months, I got to do it! And I did it my way, with people I love, and I do not regret one second of anything that we've done here." Conan also thanked his fans. "This massive outpouring of support and passion from so many people has been overwhelming for me. You made a sad situation joyous and inspirational," he said, choking up. "So, to all the people watching, I can never, ever thank you enough for the kindness to me. I will think about it for the rest of my life." To that, we will only add: Suck it, Jay.

SATURDAY, JANUARY 23 This weekend, Tiger Woods' wife Elin visited him at his Mississippi sex addiction clinic, Gentle Path. (Why is it that rehab centers always seem to be named by the same people who come up with brand names for douches?) "The marriage is not over. They both want to save it," a source told, noting that Elin stayed at Gentle Path for about five days, "participating in his recovery therapy." Eh? EH? (Look, it's not our fault that everything that happens at a sex addicts' rehab clinic can't help but sound like a euphemism.) MEANWHILE... Elin isn't the only one who's got Tiger's back—Mel Gibson wants people to lay off Tiger, too! "I love the guy," Gibson said of Woods on Good Morning America. "He's full of flaws, like all the rest of us.... Ask any human being walking on the planet, 'Have you ever done anything that you're not too proud of?' And I think most people will say, 'Yes, I've done a few things I'm not too proud of'.... geez, I just want to watch him play golf." In response, Tiger Woods made a rare public appearance. "Um, if you guys could keep drunken anti-Semites from defending me on Good Morning America, that'd be great," He told reporters. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some 'recovery therapy' I have to get back to."

SUNDAY, JANUARY 24 It's easy to forget that—when they aren't making asses of themselves—celebs occasionally do some good, too. This weekend, the Greatest Man in Hollywood, George Clooney, spearheaded a tasteful, star-studded telethon for victims of the Haiti earthquake, seemingly inviting everyone in his Rolodex: Brad Pitt, Leonardo DiCaprio, Reese Witherspoon, Nicole Kidman, Tobey Maguire, Halle Berry, Chris Martin, Anderson Cooper, Matt Damon, Bill and Hillary Clinton, Mel "I Love You Tiger!" Gibson, Madonna, Beyoncé, Justin Timberlake, Tom Hanks, Neil Young, Denzel Washington, Jay-Z, Rihanna, Bono... hell, they even let Jennifer Aniston in! Good job, celebs! Thank you for using your fame for a truly worthy cause, and for not using this tragedy as yet another way to get attentio—oh, wait. While every other celeb on the planet took part in Clooney's classy fundraiser, the incredibly annoying Sean Penn flew directly to Haiti, where we're sure his presence totally helped and wasn't a distraction at all. The insufferably self-righteous star was interviewed by Geraldo (!) for Fox News (!), saying profound things like "It's just a complicated situation." We're sure Haiti's incredibly grateful, Sean.

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