MONDAY, MARCH 15 Are you under the impression that "love" is a battle that can be won with perseverance and purity of heart? Then you may want to avoid reading this week's column subtitled, "Love... It's Bullshit, Man!" Today in a totally unnecessary interview with People magazine, Rielle Hunter—former mistress to shamed presidential candidate John Edwards—confessed that not only did she still love the disgraced senator, but believes their love "will be 'til death do us part." Now, is she talking about her own death, or that of Edwards' cancer-stricken wife? Our personal hope is for the former. MEANWHILE... Remember the Academy Awards? When it was announced that Sandra Bullock had won "Best Actress," her hubby Jesse James whispered something in her ear and she looked at him like he was a bucket of snail excrement? Here's the possible reason: James—the host of Monster Garage—has been accused of screwing around with another woman... while Bullock was filming her Oscar-winning role in The Blind Side. Okay, there's an obvious joke here, but in the spirit of sisterhood, we're not going to say it. However, she really got BLIND-SIDED BY THAT ONE, HUH?? (Sorry, our dislike for Sandra Bullock trumps our regard for sisterhood.)
TUESDAY, MARCH 16 There may be some truth to the rumors of Jesse James boinking another woman, because of the following facts: (1) Sandra Bullock has reportedly moved out of their house, according to People. (2) Sandra Bullock has reportedly canceled her trip to London for the British premiere of The Blind Side (hmmm... we hope it wasn't because of our "blind-sided" joke). (3) The mystery woman who allegedly boinked James has given a tell-all interview with In Touch magazine, and (4) Jesse James admitted he allegedly boinked the woman, and has issued a public apology to his scorned wife and family. (Think it's safe for us to stop using the word "allegedly" now?) The harlot in question is Michelle "Bombshell" McGee—a tattoo-covered stripper (surprise!) who told In Touch she had given Bullock's hubby a five-week-long boinking while Bullock was shooting her award-winning movie. However, she never thought for even a second he was a married man! "He gave me the impression they were separated," McGee told In Touch. (Radar.com disputes this, alleging that a pal of McGee was told that not only did she know James was married, but that he had said his marriage to Bullock was "a sham" done only for "publicity." Brrrrrr....) McGee went on to tell In Touch that Jesse never wore condoms (shut up, McGee), or underpants (shut up, McGee!), and called him the "Vanilla Gorilla" because he was so "well-endowed." (Ewwww!!! SHUT YOUR STUPID TATTOOED FACE, McGEE!!) That's it! We didn't think it was possible, but now we're back on Sandra Bullock's side!
WEDNESDAY, MARCH 17 "Love... It's Bullshit, Man!" week continues with more seemingly endless Tiger Woods revelations. Today we learned that Tiger feels emotionally healthy enough to compete in the Masters tournament next month. (Though caddies have been advised to continue to cork their anuses.) MEANWHILE... We also learned that Tiger's wife Elin Nordegren has the perfect comeback whenever the golfer disagrees with her, and according to Radar, it's "Well, you slept with a porn star." For example, Tiger might say, "Honey, can you pick up the kids at daycare? I need to practice my backswing." Elin: "Actually, why don't you do it? You slept with a porn star." (WE LOVE IT!! We're tempted to let Hubby Kip sleep with a porn star, just so we can use it!) MEANWHILE... Speaking of Tiger's porn star, Joslyn James has leaked more than 100 text messages he allegedly sent to her during their affair, according to TMZ. Want to read a few? Wait... let's rephrase that: Are you interested in keeping down your lunch? No? Great, read on. "I would like to have a threesome with you and another girl you trust." "I want to treat you rough, throw you around, spank and slap you." "Have you ever had a golden shower done to you? ...just morbid curiosity." "You are my fucking whore. Hold you down while I choke you." (In fairness, these texts were taken out of context. However, any conceivable context we can think of makes us want to be scrubbed with brooms in the shower of a nuclear facility.)
THURSDAY, MARCH 18 Today we spent the entire afternoon lying on the couch with a cool washcloth on our forehead. This action needs no further explanation.
FRIDAY, MARCH 19 As "Love... It's Bullshit, Man!" week continues, so does the saga of Jesse James and his mistress, Michelle "Bombshell" McGee! RadarOnline.com has the gross details: Ol' Bombshell could be a Nazi! "The woman who allegedly had an affair with Sandra Bullock's husband Jesse James supports 'white power,' gives the Nazi salute, and does pornographic shoots in her home in the San Diego area," Radar claims, citing court papers from McGee's previous divorce and a photo of McGee featuring some classy "W" and "P" tatts on the back of her knees. Jesse, Jesse, Jesse—everyone knows Sandy's insufferable, but cheating on her with a Nazi skank? Is this some kind of wild publicity stunt to make Sandy less loathsome? IT'S WORKING.
SATURDAY, MARCH 20 Despite signs that the Great Recession might be easing up, that doesn't mean celebs are out of the financial woods! Lady Gaga is getting sued for $30.5 million by her ex-boyfriend/former producer, Rob Fusari, while Octomom—wait, Octomom? Yes! Nadya Suleman's back!—is facing foreclosure on her house. According to TMZ, she's not totally without options, though, as pornmonger Steven Hirsch, president of Vivid Entertainment, has offered "to pay off the balance due on her house—around $460,000—if she's willing to take it lying down." Yes: If Octomom does a porno, she'll get her house paid off. Meanwhile, the seller of the octo-home, Amer Haddadin, isn't waiting for Suleman to make up her mind about starring in Octomom Gone Wild—so he's appealing to Oprah and Dr. Phil to pay Octomom's rent! "Dr. Phil and Operah [sic] took personal interest in the steps that led to Nadia [sic] moving to the house," TMZ claims Haddadin wrote in an email to one of Dr. Phil's producers. "I have a hope that both Dr. Phil and Operah will help me in a timely and fair solution." Yeah, um... good luck with that, Amer.
SUNDAY, MARCH 21 Last week we reported on Corey Feldman's guilt-trippy, publicity-hungry reactions to his pal Corey Haim's death—and while we'd love to say Feldman had retreated back into his cave of non-celebrity, he's still mourning as publicly as possible. First, Feldman wrote a blog post, "A LETTER FOR THE GRAVE... (an open letter to Corey Haim)," which he began, "Dear Corey, This is for you on the day of your funeral. First off I am so sorry I am not there with you today. By that I mean my physical body is not with your physical body." He then complained, "I have been so hounded by the media and barraged with condolences since your death that I have not been given my own time to grief [sic]." Then he signed, "CF Core Feldog DAWG C-DOG KID and every other name you used to call me .....dine!" Then, tasteful and subtle as he is, he posted it on the internet for everyone to read. IN RELATED NEWS... Corey Feldman visited an LA nightclub last night, where, after what appears to have been a fun night out on the town, "He mustered up the energy to leave with two very supportive women," both of them "platinum blondes," according to TMZ. Ah-ha! So that's what "time to grief" means.