MONDAY, MAY 10 The way we see it, Lindsay Lohan has it bad enough. So if there's ever any reason to jump on her side about anything, we're going to take it. And so, we're firmly for "Team LiLo" in her ongoing catfight with annoying Canadian pop-flop Avril Lavigne. The New York Post reported today that a little over a week ago, Lindsay and Avril bared their kitty claws at Hollywood's Chateau Marmont, when Linds had the AUDACITY to stop and say "hi" to A's entourage. "But as soon as she approached," a snoopy spy noted, "Avril launched at her and said, 'Get the hell out of my face. You are a fake, you are a loser. I don't like false people." (False people? Isn't she, like, 25 years old and still buying all her clothes at Hot Topic?) Anyway, Linds got furious, and ordered security to throw Avril out of the club. Naturally, security said, "Umm... you're Lindsay Lohan. So I'm gonna go back to sitting here and reading my paper." You may have won this round, Lavigne—but mark our words: Lohan will be back, and next time we'll just see which teen has-been reigns supreme! MEANWHILE... In news that will shock no one, a video dripped all over the internet this week showing teen star Miley Cyrus giving a gruesome lap dance to a 44-year-old man. (We say "gruesome" because how can such a spectacle be described any other way?) In Miley's defense, the older gentleman was gay. Though we wouldn't be surprised if it were Miley's mouthful of mangled teeth that turned him that way.
TUESDAY, MAY 11 As we went on and on about last week, David Boreanaz (AKA TV's Angel, and the meatcake from Bones) has been caught red-handed cheating on his wife—and with one of Tiger Woods' skankified mistresses! You, of course, remember Rachel Uchitel—the Las Vegas club gal who detests the word "tramp" and yet somehow attached her vaheena to the penises of two big celebrities. Well, today some texts between Boreanaz and Uchitel were leaked proving they had a sexy relationship—although the texts are about as sexy as your mom and dad's divorce. Here's a taste: Uchitel starts by allegedly texting, "I need you here so we can be together." Boreanaz allegedly responds, "This is not a good time." Uchitel: "I can't do this anymore! Just fucking go and be with [your wife]!" Boreanaz: "Why do u act like such a fucking child!!! She is my wife." Uchitel: "Oh, please!! You're such a liar. You're never leaving. You've wasted my time and I'm once again alone." Boreanaz: "What the HELL are you talking about. We spend more than enough time together." And on and on they go until everyone in the world decides they've heard enough and slits their own throats. In fairness, Uchitel issued a half-assed denial, half-assedly claiming she didn't write the texts—which could be true, since she's always sooooo alone! Poor home-wrecker Rachel. Poor David Boreanaz and Tiger Woods' penises. Poor horrible, despicable people.
WEDNESDAY, MAY 12 We kind of like to stay away from Speidi (Heidi and Spencer Pratt) news, because any attention you give them is like throwing water on a Gremlin. However, we couldn't pass up the following juicy shitbits: Regular viewers of The Hills already know of Spencer's quick and determined slide into insanity, as well as Heidi's botched plastic surgeries which make her look like a Japanese college student's first foray into robotics. Well, spies for Us Weekly say that Speidi have become "virtual shut-ins" inside their $7,000-a-month rental home. "Heidi sits and stares at the mirror, while Spencer plots and schemes on his projects all day," their spy notes. Umm... excuse us, "spy," but you left out that Heidi is actually keeping very busy—issuing restraining orders against her own mother! Heidi's mom Darlene Egelhoff was carted off by police recently after having the audacity to visit unannounced and bang on the door of Speidi's Rental Home of Horrors. "Her showing up is completely out of line and psychotic," Heidi droned. "I'm getting a restraining order against her." Heartbroken mommy Darlene admits, "Heidi and I aren't speaking to each other right now," while Spencer—as always—is the voice of reason, calling Heidi's mom "just a vagina" on this week's episode of The Hills. Hate them all you want: It's people like Speidi who make Rachel Uchitel and "Tiger Boreanaz" look sane.
THURSDAY, MAY 13 Meanwhile in pedophilia news, actress Charlotte Lewis has accused director/sex offender Roman Polanski of "sexually abusing me in the worst possible way when I was just 16" while working on his 1986 film Pirates. Luckily Polanski has fellow director Woody Allen on his side, who responded to today's announcement by saying that Roman is "an artist and a nice person" who "did something wrong and he paid for it." Polanski reportedly told Allen in a hushed whisper, "DUDE. Marrying your stepdaughter doesn't exactly make you a great character witness. ZIP... IT."
FRIDAY, MAY 14 Friendly reminder: Everyone hates Kate Gosselin! The former attention whore/reality TV star is headed back to TV for the Dancing with the "Stars" season finale... and her costars are less than excited. "Everyone, especially Kate's old dancing partner Tony [Dovolani], are dreading the return of Gosselin to the dance floor," a source tells Popeater.com. "Kate comes with a lot of drama. She's the only celebrity who insisted on having a bodyguard with her at all times and put the costume department through hell each week. The day Kate was voted off, everyone was celebrating backstage." Well... at least she didn't bring the kids? MEANWHILE... Rachel Uchitel, the woman famous for having affairs with "Tiger Boreanaz," will pose for Playboy, reports TMZ. Considering boning Angel and Tiger is all Uchitel's famous for, there's really only two motifs this photo spread can have: a "naughty caddie" theme or a "naughty vampire slayer" theme. Is it wrong to hope for both? Maybe Uchitel staking an Angelus-y vamp with one of Tiger's 3-woods?
SATURDAY, MAY 15 OH JESUS GOD. We've all been pronouncing Chesty Jake's last name wrong! "It's pronounced 'Yillin-hoo-la-hey,'" the recently 'roided-up Jake Gyllenhaal told a junket reporter in a recent interview for Prince of Persia. God knows we spend around three hours a day watching nothing but Chesty Jake YouTubes, but even we couldn't tell if he was pulling a fast one or not. However... we suspect he was, if only to distract everyone from last week's news that he's terrified of ostriches. Just remember, Jakey: No one likes a guy named Yillinhoolahey who pees himself whenever ostriches are around. You're pushing it. Now take off your shirt and do some more slow-motion parkour.
SUNDAY, MAY 16 There are few absolute truths in this universe, but one of them is this: Hollyweird celebs are incredibly stupid. Even so, looks like just about everyone in Los Angeles has gotten wise to Dr. Drew's schtick! "There is no shortage of celebrities that need rehabilitation—but the VH1 show Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew can't get any of them to star on the show next season," reports TMZ. "Sources close to the production tell TMZ they have struck out left and right trying to find A, B, or even C-list celebs for the show. As we first reported, they had their eyes on Lindsay Lohan and Heather Locklear, to name a few, but were quickly shot down. The show was able to get a tentative commitment from a few D and F-listers, but our sources say the network rejected them." On one hand, good on celebs for avoiding Dr. Drew's smarmy, prescriptive schtick! On the other... c'mon, guys. Somebody sign up for Celebrity Rehab! (Wait, is "attention" an addiction? 'Cause we hear Kate Gosselin might be free.)