GULF COAST OIL DISASTER Pictured above: a total clusterfuck.

MONDAY, JUNE 7 We'll get to Lindsay Lohan's violated SCRAM bracelet in just a moment, but first—the Gulf Coast oil disaster. Obviously, if this damaged underwater oil well were leaking Grey Goose vodka instead of crude, LiLo would have this problem solved in only 48 hours with a bendy straw. Unfortunately, here's what we learned this week: (1) There is at least twice as much oil spilling out into the ocean than originally estimated. As of today, 42-100 million gallons have gushed into the gulf, while, for comparison sake, the Exxon Valdez disaster of 1989 only dumped 11 million gallons of oil, total. THIS IS NOT GOOD. (2) BP is denying that anyone is trying to stop reporters from speaking out about the spill—even though facts point to the contrary. For example, a CNN reporter was told by a BP supervisor not to talk to cleanup workers on a soiled beach, while a volunteer wildlife biologist hired to clean birds says he signed a BP document that forbade him from talking to the media. Sadly, there are scores of other stories in which journalists have been repeatedly stonewalled by lying BP muckety-mucks as well as Coast Guard and government officials. (3) In an interview with NBC, President Obama said he is doing a thorough investigation of the disaster to discover "whose ass to kick." How about starting with the upper echelons of conniving BP executives and ending with your own?

TUESDAY, JUNE 8 Beep! Beep! Beep! Hey, what's that sound? Oh, gosh... that's the noise Lindsay Lohan's SCRAM ankle bracelet makes when it detects (a) alcohol entering Lindsay's system, and (b) the judge in charge of her probation raising her bail to $200 grand! As previously tittered about in One Day, LiLo is currently on probation for not attending her alcohol education classes in a timely manner. (We know, we know... doesn't Lindsay practically have a Ph.D. in booze?) Unfortunately, after being ordered to wear a SCRAM alcohol-monitoring bracelet on her ankle, the device went off while Lindsay was attending an MTV Movie Awards afterparty. Unsurprisingly, the judge was furious—but instead of tossing Linds in the clink, she raised her bail to a whopping $200,000. Lindsay appealed the judge's decision in THE COURT OF TWATTER. "My scram wasn't set off—It's physically impossible considering I've nothing for it to go off," Lindsay twatted today. "This is all because of a FALSE accusation by tabloids&paparazzi& it is fucking digusting—I've been more than I'm compliance &feeling great." Ohhh-kay. Lindsay should really consider hiring a Twatter lawyer—preferably one with better verbal skills than Tarzan. Luckily, Lindsay's mom is also sticking up for her, telling Page Six, "somebody spilled a drink on her leg." Sure, that would explain why the bracelet went off—but not why Lindsay was lifting her leg in the air and licking the booze off her ankle.

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 9 Meanwhile, Britney Spears has been accused of sexually harassing her bodyguard, and... nope. Sorry Britney, but your Exxon Valdez is no match for Lindsay Lohan's gulf oil disaster.

THURSDAY, JUNE 10 However, for those who tire of Lindsay Lohan's near-constant shenanigans, we may have a new celebrity hot mess in the works! January Jones—best known for her performance as monotone hausfrau Betty Draper in Mad Men—was in a very mysterious hit-and-run accident today in Hollyweird. After being caught bright and early Wednesday morning getting out of a cab sporting the same dress from the night before (why hello, "walk of shame"), January ended today by ramming three parked vehicles, causing some major damage, and then leaving the scene of the accident, telling witnesses "I can't deal with this commotion." (Yes, the sound of twisting metal can be rather torturous on the ears.) But here's where the story gets really weird: According to the owner of one of the wrecked cars, January not only reeked of booze, but left the scene after world-famous chef and Food Network star Bobby Flay mysteriously showed up, and advised her to do so. (WHAAA??) Depending upon who one talks to, the advice worked: January returned to the accident scene 45 minutes later wearing different clothes and "chewing gum," making it impossible for the cops to administer a fair sobriety test—according to them, she could've had a drink after leaving the scene. At this point, no charges have been filed. (We would suggest making this a possible storyline for Mad Men—but we're pretty sure shit like this didn't go down in 1963.)

FRIDAY, JUNE 11 "Did Sarah Palin buy herself a couple of luxury items?" asked earlier this week, citing reports that the former vice-presidential candidate is appearing significantly bustier. Today, Palin attempted to squash the rumors, insisting to Fox News, "No, I have not had implants. A report like that is about as real and truthful as reports that Todd and I are divorcing, or that I bought a place in the Hamptons, or that Trig is not my own child." Whoa, Sarah! Calm down! Wethinks she doth protest too much! Annoyingly, our Hubby Kip volunteered to "size up" some of Palin's "before" and "after" pics. In related news, Hubby Kip is sleeping on the couch tonight.

SATURDAY, JUNE 12 We have some good news and some bad news, dears. Good news first! Sixteen-year-old Abby Sunderland—who recently attempted to sail around the world alone, only to get lost in a remote part of the Indian Ocean for days—has been rescued. Hooray! No dead teen sailors today! Bad news second! While his daughter was possibly dying in the middle of the ocean, her father, Laurence Sunderland, already had plans in place for a reality TV show (entitled Adventures in Sunderland—GROAN) to "cash in on his children's daring feats," according to the AP. Sunderland—who has stated he'd "absolutely" let his pint-sized daughter attempt the voyage again—justified his business decision to the New York Post by saying, "We thought it might be a good idea if it was encouraging to kids to get out there and do things." Which includes "dying" things, we guess?

SUNDAY, JUNE 13 Uh oh. Either we've pissed off the British again or they're getting their knickers in a twist over nothing. You decide! "BP has not—for many years—stood for British Petroleum—you won't find the two words anywhere in its annual report," wrote em-dash-lovin' Brit Fraser Nelson in the UK's The Spectator. "But you hear them plenty tripping off [President Obama's] tongue, as if to point the finger on the other side of the Atlantic. It makes you wonder how highly he values UK-US relations." In other words: Blokes across the pond are in a tiff about perceived "anti-British rhetoric," since the Obama administration sometimes refers to BP by its old name, "British Petroleum," rather than its current name, "BP." In the interest of saving "UK-US relations," let's compromise, shall we? Hey Brits: One of your corporations is killing a huge chunk of the planet, not to mention a huge chunk of our country. Stop whining and start fixing. Thanks. MEANWHILE... And Kevin Costner shall save us! After investing more than $20 million in a company that manufactures machines that separate oil from water, the movie star has announced that BP (oops! we mean, "British Petroleum") has ordered 32 of the devices to help clean up the Gulf of Mexico! Costner later assured bystanders that even if his machines fail and Earth's oceans are rendered toxic for generations, humanity will "get over this whole apocalypse thing." "I've seen it happen before," Costner said in his charming, low-key drawl. "We'll just grow some back-up respiratory organs behind our ears, learn to drink our own urine, and take advice from baseball-playin' ghosts. Everything's gonna be just fine."