SATAN The mayor of Los Angeles.

[EDITOR'S NOTE—In celebration of our "Bible" issue, Sister Mary Elizabeth Martine from Portland's Our Lady of Perpetual Sorrow Parochial School will be filling in for a vacationing Ann Romano—and may God have mercy on our souls.]

MONDAY, OCTOBER 18 On the first day, God created the Heavens and the earth. Unfortunately for humankind, Satan was also busy that day creating the decadent, puss-filled filth hole known as "Hollywood." Hopefully, the following horrible, morally repugnant stories—or "juicy gossip" as that shameless trollop Ann Romano calls them—will show how far some wanton sinners will travel to avoid the blinding love of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. I am Sister Mary Elizabeth Martine. Let us begin. MONDAY'S LESSON: "An Ex-Virgin and Her Money Are Soon Parted." According to smut peddler RadarOnline, Elin Nordegren—the former wife of graven golf idol Tiger Woods—will receive $110 million from their divorce settlement. Now. Can anyone tell me how many mortal sins were committed in that sentence alone? First it should be noted that divorce has transformed this once virtuous young lady into a road-worn, ruined ex-virgin who is now forbidden from ever again taking the sacred vows of marriage. For the Lord spaketh: "A widow, or a divorced woman, or profane, or an harlot, these shall he not take: but he shall take a virgin of his own people to wife." (Leviticus 21:13-15) So in that case, should her new "ruined" status entitle her to $110 million? No, it should NOT! For as our savior wisely said, "It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God." (Mark 10:24-26) Therefore, the newly ruined former Mrs. Woods should eschew any monetary advancement, and spend her life reflecting and repenting for her past mistakes—preferably while washing the feet of lepers. As for Mr. Woods? His punishment awaits. "If a man commits adultery with another man's wife, both the adulterer and the adulteress must be put to death." (Leviticus 20:9-11) I certainly would not want to be you, mister filthy sex man. Or any of your 15 dirty whores.

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 19 Congratulations to all you new parents out there. You must be proud that your daughter will grow up to be a vessel of STDs whose sole employment is rubbing her privates on a stripper pole. Today the children of America danced a few steps closer to the burning furnace of Hell as Glee castmembers posed nearly nude in a magazine clearly intended for homosexuals, Gentlemen's Quarterly. I won't dignify the pornographers of the world by describing the photos—however, let's just say the show's female characters are depicted as the most vacuous Jezebels, whose legs are splayed in a disgusting display of barely concealed sex and oozing genitalia. And what does the Holy word of the Lord thy God say about this sort of harlotry? THE ANSWER IS TUESDAY'S LESSON: "Do not prostitute thy daughter, to cause her to be a whore; lest the land fall to whoredom, and the land become full of wickedness."(Leviticus 19:28-30) Lest the land fall to whoredom? A little late for that, I think. Don't you agree? YOU DO! Rest assured there is a special corner in Satan's fiery lair for pornographers and the erections they incur. Burn, ye filth mongers! Burn ye hated erections! A SAD STORY: Actor Tom Bosley, who starred in Happy Days, and the only television show I could bear to watch, Father Dowling Mysteries, passed away today at age 83. He was a gentle, loving presence on this vile earth, and will be greatly missed—especially in heaven. Though he may have played a Catholic on television, he was actually a Jew, which therefore automatically condemns him to eternal damnation in Hell. He made his choice.

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 20 If there is a double Hell, morally bankrupt singer Christina Aguilera would surely be its most popular resident. Since divorcing her husband last week, Radar Online reports that Christina has turned to known lesbian Samantha Ronson—lewdly famous for sexually cavorting with Lindsay Lohan—for "emotional support." [Read: Ladies lying with ladies.] Scriptural fact and WEDNESDAY'S LESSON: "Homosexuality Is An Abomination!" But even worse? Christina failed to lean on the muscular, heterosexual arms of Jesus Christ in her time of need. We must give ourselves over to the sinewy, swarthy body of Christ and allow him inside. Only when he enters us can he have his way with our sin... pushing it... pushing it... eventually driving it out with an explosion of religious ecstasy—leaving us sweaty, spent... and spiritually satisfied.

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 21 I think I need a short break.

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 22 I'm back. Now: It is written that a life of corruption leads to despair. For proof, here is FRIDAY'S LESSON: "Whores Never Pay Their Debts." According to those smut purveyors at Popeater, professional tart Lindsay Lohan must attend a drug rehabilitation center, yet cannot afford the cost: $50,000. No doubt Ms. Lohan is currently crawling about on her blackened hands and bloodied knees in Hollywood's foulest alleyways, leveraging her firm, nubile, creamy-smooth flesh in order to trick "sugardaddys" and "johns" into contributing to her sin fund. Alas, had she only obeyed Proverbs 23:19-21, she would be mired in a less horrid excuse for an existence! "Listen, my child, be wise and give serious thought to the way you live. Don't associate with people who drink too much wine or stuff themselves with food. Drunkards and gluttons will be reduced to poverty." And so! Residents of the modern Gomorrah known as Los Angeles, if you witness Lindsay Lohan beckoning lasciviously from a filthy alleyway, flee in righteous terror and alert me immediately, for only sisters such as myself are able to discipline such deviants—immune as we are, you see, to their sensual charms.

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 23 Today sex-soaked singer Katy Perry and toilet-mouthed comedian Russell Brand were secretly married, leading us to SATURDAY'S LESSON: "Good Luck Tricking Jesus, Sinners." "The very private and spiritual ceremony, attended by the couples' closest family and friends was performed by a Christian minister.... The backdrop was the inspirational and majestic countryside of Northern India," a representative told People. BUT BEHOLD! 1) Katy Perry and Russell Brand have been living in filthy sin... for years. 2) A "Christian minister?" How very unspecific! Probably some sort of Protestant. 3) India is one of the hotbeds of Hinduism—a false faith and one teeny-tiny step away from Islam! Katy Perry and Russell Brand, your "wedding" might as well have been ministered by Mephistopheles himself upon a pentagram fashioned from the bloody, wailing bodies of aborted children.

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 24 According to the depraved writers of the New York Post, "Mel Gibson is furious at the producers of The Hangover Part II" because his cameo was cancelled after "cast members objected to working with him." We would like to remind these "cast members" of two things: 1) Hollywood, crammed as it is with synagogues, homosexuals, harlots, and homosexual Jewish harlots, will not fare well come Judgment Day. 2) SUNDAY'S LESSON: "Zach Galifianakis Shall Roast on a Spit in Hell, Screaming as His Prodigious Belly Fat Boils and Drips into the Suckling Mouths of Demons; Above, in Our Lord's Kingdom, Mel Gibson, Director of the Finest Motion Picture Ever Made, The Passion of the Christ, Shall Dine with Jesus, and They Shall Discuss the Moral Failings of Those of the Jewish Persuasion; Below, Back in Hell, Sister Mary Elizabeth Martine Shall Righteously Punish a Sweating, Nude Lindsay Lohan, Bestowing Upon Her the Exquisite Pleasures of the Flesh in Order to Eternally Remind Her of Her Earthly Sins." God be with you, my children.