CAPRI ANDERSON Big bust cougar.

MONDAY, OCTOBER 25 Much to her dismay, Lindsay Lohan has discovered that rehab costs actual money. And since she's blown all of her money on booze and her line of padded knee stockings (snirk), she needs to find a sponsor—and pronto. "Lindsay can't afford to pay for treatment," a source tells PopEater. "Three months at the [Betty Ford Clinic] will cost her almost $50,000." WHAT?? That's more than a week's supply of Grey Goose! Where's she supposed to get that kind of money? Enter PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals), who has offered to foot Lilo's rehab bill... on one condition. She must... go... VEGAN (and probably pose nude for one of their icky attention-starved advertisements). Porn company has also offered Lindsay the necessary 50 grand (and unlimited access to their dirty movie collection) if she agrees to become their "marketing consultant"—which has to be code for fluffing or something, right? Anyway, the good news is that Lindsay has options—the bad news is that both options will probably require her to get naked (either with or without "meat")!

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 26 Look out, Lindsay! Charlie Sheen is gunning for your spot in rehab! According to the New York Post, actor/9-11 conspiracy crackpot/prostitute enthusiast Charlie Sheen went on a screaming, "coke-fueled" rampage at NYC's Plaza Hotel, in which he caused $7,000 worth of damage while trapping a nude hooker in the closet—because he couldn't find his wallet and cellphone. (Ahhhh... that last part explains everything.) A source tells RadarOnline, "The prostitute says Charlie was using cocaine. He flipped out, couldn't find his wallet and accused her of stealing it." Life & Style's source adds that when the cops thankfully arrived, "[The escort] was fearing for her life and was naked. Charlie was incoherent but started screaming slurs at the cops. They recognized him immediately and gave him two options: They could take him to the hospital or take him down to the station. Charlie chose the hospital." BUT HOLD ON JUST A SECOND! Before you automatically assume everything these sources, hotel employees, and guests say is true, we should give Charlie the benefit of the doubt and hear what his publicist has to say: "Charlie Sheen had an adverse allergic reaction to some medication, and is expected to be released from the hospital tomorrow." Ohhhhh... well, there you go. Remember, folks—when you're taking any prescription medication, side effects may include erratic behavior and the sudden appearance of a terrified nude whore in your closet. Consult a doctor first.

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 27 Actor/hotel room trasher/nude prostitute terrorizer Charlie Sheen has been released from the hospital! (Isn't it amazing how modern medicine can cure severe allergic reactions so quickly?) And Charlie's already downplaying the incident, telling RadarOnline, "Oh my man, I'm fine. The story is totally overblown and overplayed as far as the reality of the scenario." Overplayed? Ohhhh noooo, "my man." We're just getting started! As it turns out, the prostitute is claiming she's not technically a prostitute, but a PORN ACTRESS who was to be paid $12,000 for a "date" with Charlie. We humbly stand corrected. This porn actress' real name is Christina Walsh, AKA Capri Anderson, AKA Alexis Capri, AKA Stella Costanza, AKA Capri Nubiles (that last one is our fave), and according to Hubby Kip has been seen in such triple-X fare as Big Bust Cougars, Amateur Angels 22, and Damn, She's a Lesbian. A source tells Radar that "[Capri] told Charlie, 'I'm not doing anything until I get my money first. Charlie couldn't find his wallet and flipped out." HERE'S THE KICKER, FOLKS! "He thought she stole it," the source continues, "but his assistant who was down the hall had it." Oh, assistant! How could you? (Actually, taking his wallet probably makes you the smartest assistant in the world.)

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 28 More on that poor assistant! The evening before the hotel rampage, Charlie Sheen, porn actress Capri Nubiles, and poor assistant were in a restaurant, according to today's RadarOnline. Charlie allegedly invited Capri to the bathroom for a line a coke, at which point he dropped his pants and requested some sexing. She refused to sex him until she got paid, and returned to the table, telling poor assistant everything that happened. Poor assistant—probably wondering what he ever did to deserve the shittiest job in the world—ran to the restroom to check on Charlie, and... "When the assistant opened the door," the source claims, "there was Charlie standing there naked with cocaine all over his face!" At which point the assistant dressed Charlie, took him and Capri back to the Plaza Hotel—and the rest, as they say, is history. WOW. On behalf of his beleaguered assistant and the rest of the planet, THANK GOD THAT'S OVER.

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 29 Again, we've spoken too soon. Apparently Charlie Sheen was barely out of the hospital and back in LA when he embarked on yet "a NEW rampage with hookers and cocaine"—or so says today's RadarOnline. "Sheen has been partying in LA using massive amounts of cocaine while getting together with several hookers. Team Sheen is frantic about Charlie's behavior," Radar breathlessly posts. In addition they're quoting one of Sheen's "close friends" as predicting, "Charlie Sheen is going to die this week," while another calmly observes, "Charlie's cocaine use is out of control." Congrats, Team Sheen, on stating the ominous and the obvious, and also on being the most embarrassingly named team since that group of softball-playing male strippers, Team Peen. MEANWHILE... Whoopsie! Harry Potter's Emma Watson only recently discovered she was worth $32 million. "By the third or fourth film, the money was starting to get serious," she told Vogue, noting she "felt sick, very emotional" when her parents surprised her—abracadabra!—with the news about how much money Harry Potter dweebs had put in her bank account. In related news, this is why people hate celebrities. Especially those of the child actor variety.

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 30 It's hard to believe, but today something good actually happened in Washington, DC: Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert's Rally to Restore Sanity and/or Fear drew an estimated 215,000 people to the Mall. (For comparison's sake, there were an estimated 87,000 at Glenn Beck's rally in August.) Thankfully, Stewart and Colbert's show/march provided a powerful argument against knee-jerk extremism and prejudice on both the right and the left, throwing into sharp relief the failure of the increasingly divisive, cable-TV-driven news cycle (or, as Stewart called it, "the country's 24-hour politico pundit perpetual panic conflictinator"). "We hear every damn day about how fragile our country is, on the brink of catastrophe, torn by polarizing hate, and how it's a shame that we can't work together to get things done," Stewart said in his closing remarks. "But the truth is, we do. We work together to get things done every damn day. The only place we don't is here [in Washington] or on cable TV. But Americans don't live here or on cable TV. Where we live, our values and principles form the foundation that sustains us while we get things done." Huh. How very sane.

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 31 It's Halloween in Hollyweird! Wee Man dressed up as a leprechaun, Al Roker was Superman, Tara Reid was Barbie, Heidi Klum was an "alien transformer," and Lindsay Lohan was a lonely starlet imprisoned in rehab. At Betty Ford, "Patients aren't permitted to trick or treat from unit to unit and they don't dress up," reports TMZ, which noted that Lindsay has nonetheless "been receiving care packages of candy from some of her closest friends." Well. So that's kind of a bummer. Here's hoping her sugar high reminded her of better times. (Note to rehab nursing staff: You may want to check those Nestle Crunches.)