"Oh, god. Please don't kill me."
Not Stalking! (Much)

MONDAY, JANUARY 3 Let the bells ring and confetti fall, today Lindsay Lohan was released from rehab—again! And this time, guys, our little LiLo is going to absolutely, unequivocally keep her nose clean, you can bet your... THIS JUST IN. Lindsay Lohan is under investigation by the police, who suspect she violated the terms of her probation by getting shit-face drunk during her stay at the Betty Ford Center and allegedly attacking an employee. (Man, that was quick!) Betty Ford employee Dawn Holland had recently accused Linds of being drunk and "out of control," saying she threw a phone at her, and caused a sprain when the actress yanked a different phone out of her hand. However, the cop's investigation hit a snag today when Holland suddenly and surprisingly recanted her story, refusing to press charges. According to Holland's statement released today, "The recent reports of criminality and probation violations are much adieu about nothing." First of all, it's "ado," not "adieu." (Get it together, statement authors!) Secondly, did Holland send this message from her new fur-lined tub filled with gold coins and Mean Girls DVDs? MEANWHILE... As Lindsay left the cozy, sober confines of Betty Ford, guess who high-fived her on his way in? David Arquette! The blabby blabbermouth who wouldn't stop blabbing about his split with Friends star Courteney Cox checked into BF on New Year's Day after a particularly hard holiday partying session, which included "wild nights with strippers" (thanks, Radar Online), and breaking his nose on the floor "while trying to do 'the worm' at a trendy LA club" (thanks, Page Six). When reached for comment, the world replied, "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAA!!"

TUESDAY, JANUARY 4 Like we said yesterday, Lindsay is trying really hard to make a clean start, while avoiding any situation that could be construed as controversial, or weird, or... THIS JUST IN. Today Lindsay Lohan moved into a new four-bedroom beach house in Venice, California—right next door to ex-girlfriend Samantha Ronson. "[SamRo] was shaking her head and looking disgusted," a source tells Us magazine, describing Sam watching the move. "She kept saying, 'I didn't plan it this way.'" But guys! LiLo had no idea she was moving in next to SamRo— it was actually just a crazy, funny, sitcom-style coincidence! Sources told TMZ that Lindsay knew Samantha lived somewhere in Venice Beach, but didn't know she lived next door until someone saw her pull into the garage. BUT WHATEVER, RIGHT? It's not like Lindsay is STALKING Samantha or anything, right? That would be crazy! And if Lindsay is anything, she's not... she's not... (Confidential to Samantha: Get the locks changed on all your doors and windows. NOW.)

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 5 Hollyweird relationship news! In a report that provided us with unusual joy, 30-year-old grandpa Jake Gyllenhaal and his barely legal 21-year-old waif Taylor Swift are DUNZO! "[Jake] said he wasn't feeling it anymore," a source told Us magazine. "He also said he could feel the age difference. Taylor is really upset." Oh, boo-hoo-hoo! Poor widdle Taylor Swift is weally upset! Oh, boo-hoo-hoo! IN A RELATED STORY: We're old and mean. MEANWHLE... Pop Eater is reporting that—and you should probably sit down for this—Meg Ryan and John Mellencamp are in a romantic relationship. Ughh!! Blech! Pa-tooie! Gross! Pop Eater, stop reporting that! IN A RELATED STORY: Still old, still mean. MEANWHILE... Us magazine is spreading the rumor that recently divorced Ryan Reynolds (formerly Mr. Scarlett Johansson) is making canoodle soup with also kinda recently divorced Sandra Bullock, which—we're sorry—is also super gross! Uggh!! Blech!! Pa-tooie!! People magazine is discounting the rumor, probably because they hate Us magazine's guts, and the idea of Ryan picking Sandra's mustache hairs out of his teeth is totally disgusting! IN A RELATED STORY: We should be sent to the Old Meany Retirement Home.

THURSDAY, JANUARY 6 When pictures of 16-year-old heartthrob Justin Bieber getting unnaturally cozy with 18-year-old Disney star Selena Gomez were released this week, it took... oh... about 30 seconds for Beeb's fans to chime in with Twatter death threats. Here is just a sampling, from TMZ: "roses are red, violets are blue, @selenagomez if you'll break @justinbieber's heart I'm gonna kill you :3" Phat rhymes, yo! Here's one that's a tad more introspective. "@selenagomez whore cancer whore..like I'mm kill myself cuz i saw you and Justin kissing well thankyou Selena thankyou now I'm killing myself." Ummm... you're welcome? And this one gets the award for "most evocative death threat." "@selenagomez stay away from Justin pedophile, retard wait I'm gonna kill ya in the night underneath your smelly bed." Now wait just a second! Look, you can kill Selena Gomez all you want... but nobody says that about her bed!

FRIDAY, JANUARY 7 Despite the fact that Oscar nominations haven't even been announced yet, there's already Oscar Drama™! Scientology's Vice-Fourth Ascendant Tom Cruise will not be attending the Oscars—so as to keep his child bride, Katie Holmes, from having to be in the same room with Oscars co-host Anne Hathaway! Apparently, Anne did a not-so-flattering impression of Katie on Saturday Night Live last November—and yes, that's all. While most people would realize that (A) no one watches Saturday Night Live, and thus no one saw the sketch, (B) even if people did see it, maybe they should maybe play along and not get all butt-hurt about it, Tom and Katie chose (C): getting all huffy. "Tom and Katie don't want to have to cross paths with Anne," a source tells the Daily Mail. "They used to be friends and took Anne to a Tina Turner concert in 2008 when Anne split up from her boyfriend Raffaello Follieri. Katie feels they were really supportive at a difficult time so she feels let down that Anne took to national TV to make fun of her. Anne didn't even warn her it was going to be on TV." IN RELATED NEWS... Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

SATURDAY, JANUARY 8 Today US Representative Gabrielle Giffords was shot in the head in a supermarket parking lot. Representative Giffords—an Arizona Democrat whose stances on immigration and health care reform had made her a target of harassment—was holding a "Congress on Your Corner" event to meet her constituents when Jared Lee Loughner, a 22-year-old college dropout, allegedly approached Giffords, shot her in the head, and then fired into the crowd of civic-minded citizens, wounding 14 and killing six, including nine-year-old Christina Taylor Green. Loughner—who was using a Glock semiautomatic pistol with a high-capacity magazine—was eventually restrained and handed over to police. At press time, Giffords remains in critical condition. MEANWHILE... Following the shooting, both the left and right sprung into action—with Republicans and Tea Partiers denying any ties to Loughner, and Democrats and liberals pointing out that last year, Sarah Palin ran a graphic on her political action committee website that placed crosshairs over the districts of 20 House Democrats who Palin wanted out of office—including Giffords. (The post was accompanied by a tweet from Palin that read, "Don't Retreat, Instead – RELOAD!") While it's too early to know if Palin's graphic influenced the shooter, perhaps it's not too much to hope that the attention directed at it will add bring about some small benefit to today's tragedy—maybe the angry, ugly screeching that's come to pass as American political discourse will be reevaluated, yes? After a tragedy like this, that's not too much to hope for, is it?

SUNDAY, JANUARY 9 Apparently, it is! Today Palin aide Rebecca Mansour appeared on a conservative radio show to claim it was "obscene" and "appalling" for anyone to remark on Palin's graphic, noting there was "nothing irresponsible" about the image and that hey, come to think of it, those weren't even crosshairs at all—they were "surveying marks." Oh, phew. Glad we got that sorted out!