MONDAY, JANUARY 10 Sooo... what did you do last night? Pay some bills, maybe curl up with some Sunday night television? Well, if you were prostitute/booze enthusiast Charlie Sheen, you spent the evening whooping it up in your Las Vegas hotel with a bevy of tattooed porn stars. According to a source blabbing to TMZ, Chuckle's suite was wall-to-wall "big booby blonde girls fighting for his attention." Adding, "It looked like porn star auditions." Not surprising, since there were several dirty flick actresses in attendance, including Sheen's newest companion of choice, Bree Olson, the 23-year-old star of Eat My Black Meat 4 and winner of "Best Anal Sex Scene" at the 2008 AVN Awards (her mother must be so proud). Oh, and guess who else was there? Longtime One Day subject of mockery, Michelle "Bombshell" McGee, who you undoubtedly remember as the tattooed Nazi enthusiast who happily assisted douchebag Jesse James in breaking poor Sandra Bullock's heart. Apparently McGee met Bree during some sort of onstage makeout session in Pauly Shore's (!!!) comedy show at the Palms (WHAT?? Someone's allowing Pauly Shore to perform "comedy"??), and she was invited back to the seething pit of moist herpes known as Charlie Sheen's hotel room, and—UGGH!!! We'll leave the rest to your depraved imagination. However, we will say this, "What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas... unless it's an angry sore on your genitalia."

TUESDAY, JANUARY 11 Remember last week how thrilled we were to announce that our most hated Hollywood coupling had come to an abrupt end after Jake Gyllenhaal ripped out poor little Taylor Swift's heart, stomped it into the ground, and encouraged his pug to urinate on it? (Mmmm... still makes us feel warm and cozy inside.) Well, a brand new and despicable twosome has far too quickly taken their place: Sandra Bullock and Ryan Reynolds! As you know Sandy was, until recently, dreadfully alone after being bamboozled last year by the one-two syphilitic punch of then-hubby Jesse James and Bombshell McGee, while Ryan and soon-to-be-ex-wifey Scarlett Johansson are seeking a divorce on grounds of being irreconcilably BORING. Well! Radar Online reports that Sandra and Ryan are secretly canoodling up a storm at the actress' ranch in Jackson Hole, Wyoming. (There's a joke to be made about "Jackson Hole"—but for once, we're taking the high road.) Like Charlie Sheen's unwholesome frolicking, this is also gross, but in a much different way—like sex involving two slices of Wonder Bread. Blechh! On the upside, ScarJo is apparently extremely upset by the pairing, according to PopEater, and is apparently expressing her extreme displeasure by allowing the left side of her mouth to tilt downward slightly. (We told you she was boring.)

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 12 Today President Obama gave one of the most stirring, thoughtful speeches of his presidency in regard to the truly tragic shooting of Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords and murder of six others in Arizona last Saturday. While he refrained from directly linking the shooting to increasingly heated rhetoric primarily from the right, he called upon all Americans to "sharpen our instincts for empathy... to expand our moral imaginations, to listen to each other more carefully." He then added, "It's important for us to pause for a moment and make sure we are talking with each other in a way that heals, not a way that wounds." ON THE OTHER HAND...

THURSDAY, JANUARY 13 Continued failure Sarah Palin also made a speech—one that was somewhat less inspiring. In response to an outpouring of ill will generated from her political ad that placed cross-hair targets on states represented by Democrats—including Congresswoman Giffords (oops), Palin issued a robust (and unsurprisingly idiotic) response. "Acts of monstrous criminality stand on their own," Palin said in her Facebook video. "Journalists and pundits should not manufacture a blood libel that serves only to incite the very hatred and violence they purport to condemn." Mmm... do you know what "blood libel" actually means, Sarah? "Blood libel obviously means being falsely accused of having blood on your hands," Palin said to Fox News' Sean Hannity. Umm... actually, it's very specifically defined as "the accusation that Jews murder Christian children to make Matzot for Passover." Or as John Aravosis on America Blog adds, "It's a historic and defamatory slur on an entire group of people, meant to demean, and even more, dehumanize them. It's not simply being falsely accused of having blood on your hands, otherwise anyone falsely accused of a crime could claim 'blood libel,' and that's not what it means by any stretch. But I suppose if you're not that bright, mock education, have never properly mastered the English language... then yes, you might be confused about the meaning and usage of 'blood libel.'" Ouch. And YES.

FRIDAY, JANUARY 14 Kelsey Grammer "has dressed up in lingerie and high heels for his sex life, and once took photos that displayed some of his other unusual proclivities," Radar Online reports. Today's challenge: Try to get that image out of your head while watching your next Frasier rerun.

SATURDAY, JANUARY 15 It's not often that One Day can be used as a scientific teaching tool, but today's the exception! Researchers at the London School of Economics have supposedly proven that prettier people are smarter than uglier ones. "Physical attractiveness is significantly positively associated with general intelligence," says researcher Satoshi Kanazawa—who went on to urge people to still be kind to the hideous, moronic monsters that are average people. "Our contention that beautiful people are more intelligent is purely scientific," Kanazawa insisted. "It is not a prescription for how to treat or judge others." Umm... sorry to burst your bubble, Satoshi, but here are two words that sink your "pretty people are smart" theory: Sarah... Palin. (But thanks for playing!)

SUNDAY, JANUARY 16 This just in: Celebrities are whiny little babies! Tonight at the least relevant awards show ever—the Golden Globes, an ego-stroking celebrity circlejerk presided over by the Hollywood Foreign Press Association—the hilarious Ricky Gervais decided to switch things up a bit and make the show, you know, funny. Kicking off his hosting gig, Gervais described I Love You, Phillip Morris as a film with "two heterosexual actors pretending to be gay. Sort of the complete opposite of some famous Scientologists, then." (Ooh, snap, Tom Cruise and/or John Travolta!) After mocking The Tourist, Gervais admitted, "I'm jumping on the bandwagon, because I haven't seen The Tourist. Who has?" He then introduced Robert Downey Jr. ("Many of you in this room probably know him best from such facilities as the Betty Ford Clinic and Los Angeles County Jail"), called Bruce Willis "Ashton Kutcher's dad," correctly noted that whoever airbrushed the poster for Sex and the City 2 should win an award for special effects ("Girls, we know how old you are. I saw one of you on an episode of Bonanza"), and openly called out the Hollywood Foreign Press Association for allegedly accepting bribes. The reaction? ADVANCED BUTT HURT: Pouty Tourist stars Johnny Depp and Angelina Jolie glared at Gervais; normally cool Judd Apatow cattily tweeted ("The Santa Clause was better than The Invention of Lying"); buddies Tom Hanks and Tim Allen got all sullen; frowny-faced Downey Jr. called the show "hugely mean spirited," and when asked if Gervais would be invited back next year, HFPA President Philip Berk offered a terse "No comment." Well, here's our comment: Have Gervais back every year. And have him host the Oscars, too. (Oh, and confidential to "JD," "AJ," "JA," "TH," "TA," "RDJ," PB," and the entirety of Los Angeles, California: Suck it up, diaper babies.)