MONDAY, MAY 14 Take it from celebrities: Spending time in prison can be very mentally taxing. There's the bad food, the boredom, the shivving (or is that shanking?)... and sometimes even the thought of prison can push Hollyweird's high and mighty to the brink of psychological breakdown. Take Paris Hilton, for example. Though it's been a week and a half since her May 4 trial in which she was sentenced to 45 days in the slammer for breaking probation after her DUI arrest, her shrink is now telling a judge that Paris is too "emotionally distraught and traumatized" to participate in a civil trial that's been brought against her. Paris is being sued by co-socialite Zeta Graff, who claims Hilton shit-talked her all over NYC and her subsequent "vicious lies" made it into the New York Post. However, according to her psychologist, Paris "cannot effectively respond to examination as a witness," and any participation in the trial would "exacerbate her current mental condition." We agree completely! Who wants to see a mumbling, incoherent mess of a kajillionaire heiress on the stand? Hmm... okay, besides all of us? MEANWHILE... Even if we have to wait on Paris' complete mental breakdown, we can celebrate in the fact that the psychological disintegration of Girls Gone Wild douchebag Joe Francis is well on its way! You remember that Joe is currently serving a 45-day sentence for criminal contempt, right? Well, as it turns out, prison life doesn't quite suit him. Sources say that he's been blubbering like a big fat baby "every day" since the initial lockup. Francis has been "freaking out and screaming," and complaining to the prison doctor about being locked up with "murderers." He also added, "I don't think I can handle this on a long-term thing—I'm not a criminal." Maybe it will help Joe to think about prison time as a test-run for when he eventually goes to hell. The sentences there tend to last a bit longer, we hear.

TUESDAY, MAY 15 And speaking of those who are in the express lane to the lakes of fire, much-loathed Christian evangelist Jerry Falwell died today of heart failure at the age of 73. Falwell is best known, not so much for spreading the peaceful message of Jesus Christ, but rather insinuating himself into national politics by convincing Christians to put conservative Republicans such as Ronald Reagan and George W. Bush into office. Turns out that didn't work so well for the rest of us. He was also well known for his unsympathetic attitude toward gays and lesbians. The evangelist even went as far as to blame the 9/11 attacks on the gay community, and health workers who provide abortions. "I really believe that the pagans and the abortionists and the feminists and the gays and the lesbians... all of them who have tried to secularize America, I point the finger in their face and say: 'You helped this happen,'" he said. But there are those who remembered the reverend more fondly, such as President Bush who today called Falwell, "a man who cherished faith, family, and freedom." That about says it all, doesn't it? Farewell, Jerry, you old bigoted tub of rancid guts. And don't let the door to hell slam your ass on the way in. (Joe Francis should be along shortly.)

WEDNESDAY, MAY 16 In much lighter news... BLIND ITEM! Which former White House intern who was unfairly persecuted for her role in a presidential scandal, and has recently moved to Portland was allegedly seen this week applying for jobs at Wieden + Kennedy and Portland Monthly, as well as shopping in the men's department at the Beaverton Target? (Wait... how did you know we were talking about Monica Lewinsky? We really need to make these clues tougher!) Anyway... Monica! GIVE PORTLAND MONTHLY A PASS. Every issue is just another tedious "Best of..." list, and from what we hear? The dental plan stinks, and they never remember their employees' birthdays. On the other hand, the Mercury hires the brightest, most talented young women in the city, and every one of them (including ourself) has a checkered past—so you'll fit right in. We'll even give you your own regular handbag column! Call us!

THURSDAY, MAY 17 As predicted last week, not only will Paris Hilton be given a reduced jail sentence—from 45 days to 23—she'll be housed far away from the general prison population in what is called the "special needs housing unit." (That makes sense. If anyone is a "special needs" kind of person, it's Paris.) And while this type of housing sounds like it would be reserved for the developmentally delayed—like Paris—it's actually intended for police officers, public officials, and celebrities who are so universally despised, they'd receive a shiv to the kidney on their first trip to the laundry room. Personally, we think the general prison population would love Paris. While most prisoners trade cigarettes for their lives, Paris could offer a Hermès Birkin bag. They're gonna want to keep this girl around.

FRIDAY, MAY 18 Here are two words that Donald Trump never thought he'd hear: "YOU'RE FIRED." NBC just cancelled Trump's low-rated The Apprentice, but Trump doesn't see it as a "firing"—instead, he's boasting that he's "moving on from The Apprentice to a major new TV venture." Sorry, Donald. We sincerely doubt the networks will be interested in a show called Rosie O'Donnell Is a Big, Fat Disgusting Pig.

SATURDAY, MAY 19 Who likes to think about Iraq anymore? Nobody! The news is just so depressing. But who knows? Maybe things have gotten better! Could happen, right? So here's an IRAQ NEWS ROUNDUP! First up: The New York Times advises: "Beware the benchmarks of Iraq," noting that thanks to scheming from both pro- and anti-war sides, "there are still wildly conflicting estimates of something as fundamental as how many civilians have died as a result of the war." Next! According to the Associated Press, today former president Jimmy Carter called the Bush administration the "worst in history" when it came to foreign relations, citing (surprise!) the invasion of Iraq. Next, and back to the Times! "Casualties among private contractors in Iraq have soared to record levels this year, setting a pace that seems certain to turn 2007 into the bloodiest year yet for the civilians who work alongside the American military in the war zone." Next! The Bush administration is building "the world's largest and most expensive" embassy in Iraq, which, despite its $592 million price tag, "may not be large enough or secure enough to cope with the chaos in Iraq," according to the Associated Press. (For some reason, the plans call for "high, blast-resistant walls.") Okay... did we say things in Iraq might be going better than we thought? Umm... they aren't. Never mind!

SUNDAY, MAY 20 Today the Australian government convicted professional meathead Sylvester Stallone of attempting to smuggle dozens of vials of human growth hormone into the country when he was traveling to Myanmar (formerly Burma) to shoot the latest Rambo installment. Ordered to pay $10,651 in fines and fees, loveable moron Stallone defended his actions with what sounded like an infomercial voiceover. "As you get older, the pituitary gland slows and you feel older, your bones narrow. This stuff gives your body a boost and you feel and look good," the 60-year-old Stallone said, leaning on his walker and smacking his dentures. "Doing Rambo is hard work... Where do you think I am going to get this stuff in Burma?" Good question, Sly! Another good question: Why are you making another Rambo movie? Unless the bad guy is osteoporosis, consider us officially uninterested.