SCARLETT JOHANSSON Single no more! (Sorry, Kip.)

MONDAY, JANUARY 24 Today Oprah Winfrey announced a startling surprise that stunned Oprah fans and shook the Oprah-verse to its very core: OPRAH HAS A SECRET HALF-SISTER! And by "half," we mean there's absolutely nothing above the woman's waist! (Okay, that's not true. But this story is so fucking boring, we had to spice it up somehow, right? HEY OPRAH: NO ONE CARES. Why don't you go buy the planet Saturn or something.) MEANWHILE... In other boring news, supposedly reformed lush/sociopath Lindsay Lohan is telling all her friends that she is finished with clubbing—and by "clubbing" we mean baby ferrets. She really hates these "elastic rats," and her former residence was infested with them. So much so in fact, much of her drinking and cocaine abuse sprang from repeatedly clubbing the brains out of these disgusting animals, and... what do you want from us?!? IT'S A BORING MONDAY!

TUESDAY, JANUARY 25 While rap entrepreneur P. Diddy is responsible for most of the awfulness in the world, we're pretty sure he didn't cause the collapse of the World Trade Center. However, according to a lawsuit filed by one Valerie Joyce Wilson Turks, the rapper is not only responsible for the attacks on 9/11, he's the alleged deadbeat dad of her disabled 23-year-old son, a serial abuser, and had the gall to steal a gambling chip she won at a Mississippi casino that's "well worth over 100 zillions of dollars." Turks has requested a restraining order against Diddy, and claims he owes her $100 billion for "loss of income." While the judge in the case refused to issue a restraining order, he did set a hearing for January 31, which should give Diddy's lawyer Lindsay Lohan enough time to mount a defense, while still not clubbing the nonexistent baby ferrets in her room.

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 26 Actress/Scientologist/human vessel for Earth's next great dictator Katie Holmes is reportedly "very upset" after audience members left in droves during the Sundance screening of her movie The Son of No One. However, according to film producer Cassian Elwes, "there wasn't a mass exodus." Elwes explains that the projectionist mistakenly turned on the lights two scenes before the end of the film—thereby causing a seasoned movie-going audience to reel in confusion and quickly exit the theater like suicidal lemmings, even though the film was obviously still being projected on the screen. While we seriously doubt the veracity of this explanation, Emperor Klaktu, supreme leader of the Rigel VII system, had this to add: "My earthling minion Cassian Elwes is an IDIOT," Klaktu roared, his tentacles whipping the moist nitrogen-filled atmosphere in a frenzy. "The reason those puny humans departed the bravura performance of Katie Holmes is because they could no longer emotionally tolerate being in the presence of such great talent! Simply put, they were overcome by her perfection! (As for you, Elwes, you shall offer up 1,000 apologies to your earthling queen for your insipid bumbling, and then report to the vaporization chamber. YOU SHALL NOT FAIL ME AGAIN!)"

THURSDAY, JANUARY 27 OMG, guys! Charlie Sheen was rushed to the hospital this morning! (No... they're not giving away free cocaine... stop being a smartypants!) According to TMZ, Sheen was suffering from extreme stomach pains after... ohhh... after partying 36 hours with up to five porn stars and an alleged "briefcase" full of cocaine. (We'll never accuse you of being a smartypants again, promise!) Why do we suspect he was doing these things? Exhibit A: Neighbors say they knew about Sheen's late-night party, because they heard "a lot of women singing Red Hot Chili Peppers songs throughout the evening." (Yep, that sounds about right.) Exhibit B: Porn star Kacey Jordan—star of such romantic comedies as Anal Lesbian Sweethearts, Ice Cream Bang Bang 2, and Blowjob Winner 4 (congrats on that last one, BTW)—was invited to the shindig after Charlie reportedly said he was a huge fan and had been "searching for her for a year." (Sigh! So romantic!) During the party, she also twatted a photo displaying a rather unflattering view of her crotch and Sheen's coffee table, upon which sat "Coca-Cola, water, mouthwash, Lysol wipes, Marlboro Lights, keys, rings, and various lotions and oils." (EWWWW!! Did they have to include that last part??) Exhibit C: A source also tells TMZ that someone showed up to the party with "a designer briefcase containing multiple bricks of cocaine." (Maybe it was some of Lindsay Lohan's foot powder?) ANYWAY, as you can see, it's little wonder that Sheen was whisked off to the hospital, and... wait. THIS JUST IN: Doctors say Sheen's stomach pains were caused by a "hiatal hernia in his stomach"? IS THAT ALL? Well that settles it: Pass the booze, coke, and porn stars, dears. We're going on the "Charlie Sheen Diet."

FRIDAY, JANUARY 28 We know you've been dying to hear how Charlie Sheen's "hiatal hernia" is doing, so let's drop by the hospital just to check in on him, and... huh? He's nowhere to be seen! What a shocking turn of events! Oh, wait: "Charlie Sheen will be in rehab for the next three months," says TMZ. Hmmm. Now, that's odd. Since when does anyone need rehab for tummy aches? MEANWHILE... ScarJo and RyRey are back! notes that the (formerly?) splits-o couple Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynolds were seen canoodling at a secluded table at the Little Door restaurant in West Hollywood, before "ducking out the back door to avoid being seen together." "They didn't look like two people who had recently broken up," says a gabby source, who declined to note if Ryan's lip still looked chapped from rubbing against the mustache stubble of former flame Sandra Bullock.

SATURDAY, JANUARY 29 Despite the purported fact that Charlie Sheen's antics involved spending more than $500,000 on escorts and drugs ("It put Everest to shame," partier/skank/possible Nazi Michelle "Bombshell" McGee told Radar Online, referring to "a mountain of cocaine" she witnessed at one of Sheen's penthouses), the LAPD refuses to investigate the actor! The reason? TMZ claims that before the ambulance arrived at Sheen's most recent soiree, the drugs were "cleaned up." So, just so we're clear: A man infamous for his illegal activities will not be investigated by the police, and—just in case you were naïve enough to still be wondering—no, there is no justice in the world. OR IS THERE?!?! Production on Sheen's ass-clenchingly terrible sitcom Two and a Half Men has been shut down, says the Hollywood Reporter—which notes that those responsible for the televised abomination may face "as much as $250 million" in lost revenue thanks to Sheen's antics. Yes! Justice! JUSTICE! Si se puede! SI SE PUEDE! Charlie Sheen, we'd like to formally take back everything snarky we've ever said about you. Today, sir, you did the world a great service.

SUNDAY, JANUARY 30 "I'm fine," Charlie Sheen bitchily texted to Radar Online Senior Executive Editor Dylan Howard this weekend. (Hey! Where's our text, Charlie? All we got this weekend was a frowny emoticon from Jennifer Aniston.) "People don't seem to get it," Sheen continued. "Guy can't have a great time and do his job also?" Sheen ended the interview by calling everyone who has spoken out against him a (oh, my) "bunch of turds." MEANWHILE... Hey, remember that part about Charlie Sheen being in a safe, secure rehabilitation facility? Never mind! TMZ reports that Sheen's doing something called "rehab at home," with an "expert in addiction" visiting Sheen at his mansion, otherwise known as "Mt. Cocaine." (We hear you can use call girls for sherpas!) IN CONCLUSION... That's all for now! See you next week, turds. Mwah!