MONDAY, JANUARY 31 This just in from the "Waah, waah, waah, I'm a big fucking crybaby" desk: Three different—and detestable—celebs spent the better part of today crying, "Waah, waah, waah, I'm a big fucking crybaby." Let's start with flaming famewhore Kim Kardashian, shall we? (It should be noted that Kim is mostly famous for an E! reality show, an amateur sex tape, and sucking the oxygen out of a room.) "Oh my god, I'm more naked than I was in Playboy," cried an otherwise entirely useless Kardashian after seeing her recent mostly nude spread in W magazine. "I'm so mad right now! She [photog Barbara Kruger] promised I would be covered with artwork. You can see nipple!" First: You were completely naked, idiot. In front of a camera. What did you think was going to happen, you brain-damaged dingaling? ARRGHH! WE HATE HER SO MUCH! MEANWHILE... The less despicable but still loathsome Gwyneth Paltrow was also sharing a glass of "whine" with the world, moaning to Harper's Bazaar UK, "People are so mean to me." Luckily her Godzilla-sized ego stomped in to save the day. "But then I was like, 'Who cares what some lame person out there says?'" EXACTLY. We don't care what lame people have to say. SO SHUT YOUR TRASH HOLE. MEANWHILE... Hear those galloping hooves in the distance? That's One Day regular Jennifer Aniston trotting around the talk shows, bragging about how she cantered right up to gossip maven Perez Hilton and whinnied, "Why are you so mean?" Apparently this revelation empowered her or something, because after relating this experience to Ellen DeGeneres she neighed, "There's something really great about putting a human being in front of another human being—[and realizing] there's a human being there." Yeah. Just keep telling yourself that, sister. Hi-ho, Silver... awaaaaaaay!
TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 1 News flash! Lindsay Lohan can't stay out of trouble! After police threatened to search LiLo's house to find a necklace presumably stolen from a Venice Beach jewelry store, the missing neckwear was (surprise!) dropped off today at the cop shop by an "unnamed friend." Naturally, Lindsay—as always—had an awesome excuse: The jewelry shop actually loaned her the $2,500 necklace (because... that's what jewelry shops do, right?), and the stylist who was supposed to return it, didn't. According to sources, Lindsay said, "I didn't have any part in the non-returning on time." (Ahhh... no one quite butchers the English language like Lindsay.) Well, we totes believe her alibi, because while she may be a drunkard and an alleged toot-snooter, she has no previous experience in thievery... other than in August 2009 when she borrowed jewels that were later "stolen" from her safe; or in October 2009 when she was accused of stealing from jeweler Arielle de Pinto's showroom in Paris; or in April 2010 when she was suspected of swiping a Rolex watch; or in June 2010 when a boutique sued Lohan for allegedly taking $16,000 in stolen clothes; and... okay, you get the point.
WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 2 Prostitution, porn, and pharmaceutical enthusiast Charlie Sheen chewed the ear off E! Online today, calling the rumors swirling around his plunge into addiction "all crap." "I will never speak about any of this as long as I'm alive," Chuckles swore via text, before continuing to speak of what he just promised never to speak about. "You're all gonna have to keep towing [sic] the same redundant line, guessing wrong." Okay, well, now that he's finished... "SHAME SHAME SHAME," he continued to continue. "[You guys are] pathetic. BTW, two wars are in an endless state of sorrow. Egypt about burned to the ground, and all you people care about is my bullshit." WHAT? We do so too care about Egypt! As a matter of fact, let's check in to see how Egyptian dictator Hosni Mubarak is doing. Hmm. Well, so far he is NOT undergoing rehab in his own home, or being described by a former porn star as "okay" in the sex department (adding "it didn't last very long... a three-minute ordeal. He was sloppy but still functioning... he wouldn't stop kissing my feet... He promised me he'd get me a Bentley"). And he's also not being accused of having a secret sex tape titled Charlie's Devils that co-stars a prostitute named "Felony." So yeah... Egypt's interesting and all that, but we think we're gonna stick with Charlie.
THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 3 You'll be glad to know W magazine responded today to über-skank Kim Kardashian's incessant whining regarding her "pornographic" photo spread. The magazine called the photos a "...meditation on the influence that reality TV has on contemporary culture." Overwhelmed by this barrage of multi-syllabic words, Kardashian quickly flipped the script, and responded, "I love the photos! ...I'm really happy I did it and that those are the photos." Kim Kardashian is worse than leukemia.
FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 4 This weekend, Shia LaBeouf—everyone's favorite drooling halfwit from Transformers who isn't named Megan Fox—was put in handcuffs after a bar brawl in Sherman Oaks, California, though cops stopped just short of actually arresting him. (Come on, SOPD! Let's see some follow through!) The tussle went down at the tastefully named Mad Bull's Tavern, where TMZ not-so-shockingly reports Le Beef has been "a constant irritation," with "patrons complaining about his drunken, violent behavior." "Every time Shia comes to the bar, he's a problem and it's starting to get old," one Mad Bull regular groused. TMZ also notes that "Shia was the instigator in another testosterone-fueled incident" that ended with bar staff breaking up "an intense pushing match." (Oooh, a pushing match? Don't hold back, Shia!) Quick, somebody put Le Beef in time out—or send him to a biker bar where he'll get his ass kicked. Either way is totes fine with us.
SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 5 In another news flash from the "Waah, waah, waah, I'm a big fucking crybaby" desk, Dina Lohan is both "hurt and shocked" that those Glee dorks made yet another Lohan joke. Just last week, Glee's cast apologized to Lindsay for mocking her... only to turn around and make fun of Dina this weekend! In the episode, special guest "star" Katie Couric awarded Sue Sylvester the "loser of the year" award—after informing her that she narrowly beat out Dina Lohan and her fictional dog, Sparky (who, Couric noted, is "also a loser"). Oh, take a Midol, Dina! Remember, it's not exactly easy for the Gleetards to find losers who're even lower on the social ladder than they are.
SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 6 Though Super Bowl Sunday is almost as bad as leukemia and Kim Kardashian, we'd be remiss in our duties if we didn't point out today's "highlights." FIRST! Christina Aguilera, who didn't bother learning the words, performed the national anthem. Despite being "devastated" at screwing up the lyrics in front of 934 trillion people, Xtina told the AP that, naturally, it was patriotism that made her embarrass herself. "I got so caught up in the moment of the song that I lost my place," Aguilera lied. "I can only hope that everyone could feel my love for this country and that the true spirit of its anthem still came through." (Hurk... hurk... blarrrrggggfff!—Ann.) MEANWHILE... Despite screwing up even worse than Aguilera, halftime performers the Black Eyed Peas have yet to apologize for a show that was charitably referred to as a "massive fail," a "disaster," an "embarrassment to everyone ever." Bumbling their way through a never-ending medley of their ostensible hits, there were only two upsides to the performance: (A) Fergie didn't publicly pee herself, as she's been known to do, and (B) ESPN.com brought America together via a state-by-state online poll that asked, "What grade would you give the Black Eyed Peas for their halftime performance?" The result, with over 60,000 votes cast? Every single state voted "F." Hey, America! You're not so bad after all!