POPE BENEDICT XVI You're forgiven, Jews!

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 28 After last week's Charlie Sheen tsunami of batshit-crazy quotes, it's a relief that he's finally calmed down, and we can all go back to our normal... oh, no. "Every day is just filled with wins. All we do is put wins in the record books," Charlie Sheen told ABC News when asked about his live-in girlfriends Natalie Kenly and Bree Olson. "We win so radically in our underwear before our first cup of coffee, it's scary." Sigh. And so are we to assume that an icky polygamous marriage may be in the works? "I tried marriage. I'm 0 for 3 with the marriage thing. So, being a ballplayer—I believe in numbers. I'm not going 0 for 4. I'm not wearing a golden sombrero." Wait... what? Follow-up question, Mr. Sheen: EXACTLY WHY AREN'T YOU WEARING A GOLDEN SOMBRERO? MEANWHILE... Charlie also sat down with Larry King replacement/British robot Piers Morgan in an interview that produced the following out-of-context-because-it-doesn't-make-any-fucking-difference quips: "Women are not meant to be hit. They're to be hugged and caressed." [Good to know!—Ann] "That was an old brain. I have a new brain. I have a 10,000-year-old brain and the boogers of a seven-year-old." [Again... good to know!—Ann] "And then it was like, 'You must let me impose my will on your face.' And it was like, woah dude." ["Woah," indeed. That must've been some party.—Ann]

TUESDAY, MARCH 1 This evening Charlie Sheen powerlessly stood by—without uttering a single batshit-crazy quote—as the LAPD and his estranged wife Brooke Mueller presented the actor with a court order to remove their twin sons from his custody. Brooke claimed that Charlie not only kept the boys from her, but allegedly threatened to "cut your head off, put it in a box, and send it to your mom." Now unless Brooke's mom specifically requested her head in a box, that was totally uncalled for. But don't worry, this story has a (somewhat) happy ending: As the car carrying his twin sons drove away, Sheen shook his head and said, "Wow... wow. That's all right. Tiger blood now drips from my fangs! WINNER!!" (We did say "somewhat.") MEANWHILE... Former pop star (and possible Charlie Sheen replacement) Christina Aguilera was tossed in the pokey this morning—but wait, guys! It was for her own safety! According to the Los Angeles County Sheriff's Department, Xtina was discovered passed out in the passenger seat of her boyfriend's car, after he was pulled over for a possible DUI. "She was not capable of taking care of herself. She was incapacitated," said cop spokesman Steve Whitmore, explaining why the deputies felt it necessary to temporarily lock her up. "When she was able to navigate and to think on her own, she was released." THINK ON HER OWN? In that case, shouldn't she be locked away for life? (Thankyew, thankyew, we'll be here all week.)

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 2 A quick break from all the Charlie Sheen-anigans (Are we the first to use that? We are the first to use that, right?) to visit a celeb who is ABSOLUTELY NOT IN ANY WAY, SHAPE OR FORM ON DRUGS. And we know this because she may sue us. Scientology poster girl/earthly vessel for the future dictator of the Earth Katie Holmes is suing Star magazine for a cool $50 million in regard to a recent cover that screamed, "Addiction nightmare; Katie DRUG SHOCKER! The real reason she can't leave Tom." Ironically, the story inside the magazine doesn't even accuse Katie of drug use, but focuses mainly on her usage of a Scientology-approved "e-meter" which is supposed to "reflect past emotional experiences" or something equally stupid. "Of all the fabricated stories that continue to be published about me," Katie said via statement, "this instance is beyond the pale. The publisher knew this outrageous story was false and printed it anyway." "By the nine Thalagarian moons of Sphinctar," howled Emperor Klaktu, supreme leader of Rigel VII, "this sacrilege will not stand! Star magazine, in addition to paying the Church of Scientology $50 million for such grievous insults against your earthly queen, you shall also regularly wash the Scientology Celebrity Bus, assassinate Paul Haggis, and take future Queen of the Universe Suri Cruise to Chuck E. Cheese at least three times during the coming solar cycle! OR YOU SHALL FEEL THE WRATH OF MY TENTACLES!!"

THURSDAY, MARCH 3 In other religious news, today Pope Benedict XVI—in direct contrast to centuries of Christian thought—exonerated the Jewish people for their role in the murder of Jesus Christ. The entirety of the Jewish race responded by saying, "Ummmm... thanks? But this still doesn't let you guys off the hook for raping all those kids."

FRIDAY, MARCH 4 Today in news that makes no sense whatsoever, Charlie Sheen is... drug free? Sheen "tested negative for the presence of marijuana, cocaine, opiates, and methamphetamine in a random drug test," Radar Online reports. "Without prompting, Sheen took the random drug test, which we observed. He passed." The (unexpected, apparently?) test took place Tuesday night at Sheen's Hollyweird mansion, where Sheen conveniently had a First Check home drug test kit sealed and ready, "just in case someone rolls in." "This was the fourth drug test Sheen has passed in four days, after Radar Online asked him to prove his statement that he is clean," Radar continued. "After passing, the comic actor reacted with the brand of snarky wit that made him, until last week, TV's highest paid actor, simply saying: 'Um, duh!'" But... but if Charlie Sheen's not on drugs, that mean's he's sober, which means... we... we just don't understand, dears. We're sorry. Nothing makes sense anymore! It's like the entire universe is tearing itself apart!

SATURDAY, MARCH 5 Phew! Sorry about yesterday, dears; it was just a teensy bit much, you know? Thanks to a few foot rubs from Hubby Kip and approximately 20 martinis, we're right as rain, and reporting on—who else?—Sarah Palin! Reacting to news that annoying comedienne Kathy Griffin will be playing a "Sarah Palin Tea Party-type" on (groan) Glee, Palin lashed out on—where else?—Fox News. "Y'know, Kathy Griffin can do anything to me and say anything about me, 'cause y'know, she's kinda this—she's a 50-year-old adult bully, really, is what she is, kinda a has-been comedienne!" Palin rambled in her usual yokel manner. "I would just ask for respect of my children," Palin continued. "Kathy, pick on me! Come up to Alaska and pick on me, but leave my kids alone!" Naturally, Griffin had her publicist (wait, she has a publicist?!) respond with an ostensibly hee-lair comeback: "As a fellow reality star, Kathy would like to extend free tickets to her upcoming Broadway show to reality-star Sarah Palin and her reality-TV crew. Kathy supports all reality stars regardless of what they say about her." IN RELATED NEWS... Somebody call the Humane Society! This is exactly the sort of catfight that euthanasia was made for.

SUNDAY, MARCH 6 True, Lindsay Lohan might be headed back to jail for her recent shoplifting shenanigans, but she has more pressing concerns—like Saturday Night Live! On last night's SNL, salvia-huffing host Miley Cyrus opened with a musical number, singing "I never stole a necklace or got a DUI/never cheated on my wife like that golfer guy/so what if you can see a little boob from the side/I'm sorry I'm not perfect." And who took offense? Lindsay, naturally, who wrote a furious (and no doubt emoticon-filled) email to producer Lorne Michaels! "Sources close to Lindsay tell us she had considered Lorne a mentor and a father figure," says TMZ, "and was upset that he would let Miley mock her on TV." (Psst, Lindsay: Everyone mocks you, all the time. Don't wear out your keyboard!)