KOBE BRYANT Homophobic!

MONDAY, APRIL 11 Gah-ROSS!! As you may recall, still somewhat nubile Scarlett Johansson and centenarian Sean Penn have been gagging the reflexes of Hollyweird onlookers with their May-December (1847) romance. But according to Us, the pair is now living together! That's good news for those unable to bear the sight of their public grope-athons, but bad news for people like Hubby Kip, who cannot erase from his mind the image of Scarlett changing Sean's colostomy bag. "What is imagined, cannot be unimagined," Hubby Kip wisely noted. ALSO! Scarlett's publicist is adamantly pooh-poohing speculation that she has been impregnated with Sean's icky old sperm. Photos were snapped of the pair jogging—okay, she was jogging, he was doddering along with the aid of a walker and an oxygen tank—and there was a noticeable "bump" in her baby birthing area. "Scarlett is not pregnant," the rep sternly responded. "The placement of her shirt is misleading." After telling the rep we had no intention of accepting his obviously bullshit response, the rep added, "Well, okay. Let's be honest: We are talking about Sean Penn's testicles here. There's nothing inside those wrinkled old bags except dust and spider eggs." Phew. Now that's what we wanted to hear.

TUESDAY, APRIL 12 Speaking of being deeply flawed, two examples of unnecessary homophobia occurred today, starting with former popular author Bret Easton Ellis (American Psycho) who took to his Twatter—not once, but TWICE—to make anti-gay slurs like this one: "I like the idea of Glee, but why is it that every time I watch an episode I feel like I've stepped into a puddle of HIV?" After being roundly criticized for the remark, he issued a follow-up hate-twat: "No, I wasn't drunk last night, I was watching Chris Colfer singing 'Le Jazz Hot' and felt like I had suddenly come down with the hivs." Hmmm... maybe we should come down with a case of the "let's boycott his past and future work, and laugh as he applies for food stamps." MEANWHILE... During tonight's game against the Spurs, LA Laker Kobe Bryant received a technical foul, and responded by calling the ref a "fucking faggot." Unlike Ellis, Bryant immediately apologized, adding, "My actions were out of frustration during the heat of the game, period." However, that was not quite enough for NBA Commissioner David Stern who fined the player a whopping $100,000, saying, "While I'm fully aware that basketball is an emotional game, such a distasteful term should never be tolerated." Bravo to you, Mr. Stern—and BTW... is there a commissioner who lords over authors of shitty misogynistic thrillers?

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 13 The ever spiraling Charlie Sheen spiraled a bit further tonight during his latest My Violent Torpedo of Truth disaster in Boston, where according to the Boston Globe, Sheen subjected his audience to "a witless barrage of non sequiturs, non-stories, non-jokes—a non-event start to finish." (Note to Charlie: When an appearance from Jersey Shore's Pauly D gets the most applause, it might be time to pack it in.) ALSO! While being interviewed on a Boston radio station today, Chuckles hinted at a possible return to Two and a Half Men, saying, "There've been discussions, but I was asked not to divulge anything." Warner Bros. Televison (who actually owns the sitcom, and makes all hiring and firing decisions) sent a legal notice/response to Sheen's lawyers, saying, "As you know, there have been no discussions, there are no discussions, and there will be no discussions regarding [Sheen] returning to or having any involvement in the series." "Ohhhh-kay," Charlie responded, "but when do I come back to work? This tour is really killing my self-esteem. I mean... DUH! WINNING!"

THURSDAY, APRIL 14 R.I.P. All My Children and One Life to Live, two long-running ABC daytime soaps that have been sadly cancelled. Says Children's Susan Lucci (who played Erica Kane for just over 40 years), "I'm looking forward to all kinds of new and exciting opportunities." Dear, we love you desperately, but Erica was married 10 times, accused of murder, went to prison for kidnapping, stabbed one of her husbands, cheated on another hubby with his brother, was disfigured in a car wreck, and had her baby stolen by an abortionist who gave it to another woman. Roles just aren't gonna get much better.

FRIDAY, APRIL 15 "He was running around and screaming in the street," a New Orleans bartender told People about a drunken Nicolas Cage. Another New Orleans local—this one a street performer—helped clarify. "Apparently, [Cage] had mistaken the house of my neighbors for the other house up the block that he is actually renting," he said. "His wife was trying to persuade him from disturbing the elderly couple who do in fact live in that house." Once the cops showed up, Cage sprinted for a block before getting arrested and charged with domestic abuse and disturbing the peace. But wait—the Confused Cage saga continues! "The actor was eventually bailed out of jail by Dog the Bounty Hunter," People reports. "I am a truly dedicated fan of Mr. Cage," Dog told E! shortly after posting Nic's $11,000 bail. Dog continued, "There are two sides of my job: I release my clients after they have been arrested; and pick them up if they don't show up in court. I do not believe the latter will be the case for Mr. Cage." (A) Obviously, Dog, you haven't ever seen Gone in 60 Seconds, which makes us wonder what kind of "truly dedicated fan of Mr. Cage" you really are, and (B) hey, Hollyweird: We just came up with a pitch for a reality show! It's called Dog/Cage, and every week, Nicolas Cage goes crazy... at which point he's hunted down by his pal Dog the Bounty Hunter! Have your people call our people, dears.

SATURDAY, APRIL 16 "Listen, I tried to fuck [Courteney Cox], and she doesn't even want me," sadsack actor David Arquette whined to Howard Stern. Arquette, still smarting from his split with his Scream 4 costar, laid bare his depressing soul, explaining how his attempts at carnal reconciliation with the former Friends star were rejected... perhaps because he hit on Cox while they were at Disney World with their six-year-old daughter. According to Us, Arquette "admitted that the family-friendly getaway amidst Mickey Mouse, et al., got him feeling romantic and hopeful. 'This is the happiest place on Earth!'" Arquette said to Cox. "Let's make it happier!" IN RELATED NEWS... "Please, just leave me out of this," Mickey Mouse squeaked when reached for comment. "Not many things can ruin a Starlight Parade, but David Arquette desperately trying to undo the buttons on your pants is one of 'em."

SUNDAY, APRIL 17 Ashton Kutcher and his nanny Demi Moore recently appeared on Piers Morgan Tonight to discuss their efforts to combat child trafficking... until they got distracted! "Post-it notes are much cheaper than diamond rings," Ashton patronizingly explained when describing the handwritten "messages of encouragement, or love, or just... thought" that he and Demi leave on Post-it notes around their house. "And some have been there, I don't know, seven years?" Demi chimed in. "My most recent one was just a reminder that I was magical!" IN RELATED NEWS... Well, wouldn't you know it! This morning we too found a romantic Post-it of our own, sweetly stuck to the Romano household microwave! "babe pleas get me us doritoes and sprite for snacks i we can eat during tonights preemeer of game of thrones," our beloved Hubby Kip had written, using what appeared to be either a red crayon or strawberry jam. "PS!!!! ALSO!!!!! batterys for xbox controller." Suck it, Demi.