MONDAY, MAY 30
First of all, nobody panic. We're about to relay some terrible news, but the important thing is NO ONE WAS SERIOUSLY HURT. Okay? Basically, everyone is FINE—so are you ready to hear the news? America's most beloved reality star Snooki, while taping the Italian version of Jersey Shore in Florence, smashed into a police car! But don't freak out, Snooki is absolutely fine. (The police were taken to the hospital with minor injuries, but—whatever, right?) Not only that, in a hilarious display of insensitivity, Snooki was later seen wandering around Florence wearing a neck brace—which she took off for the paparazzi and then laughed and laughed. (We'd ask the injured Italian police if they thought it was funny, but as we decided earlier—whatever.) Ohhh, Snooki! Ti vogliamo bene! MEANWHILE... We're once again going to relay some truly terrible news, but the important thing is IT'S PROBABLY NOT TRUE. (At least we hope it's not.) OK! magazine reports that the world's most hated individual, Kim Kardashian, is pregnant... with what we can only hope is a baby. "Kim always thought she'd have at least one or two kids by now, so she's absolutely in a hurry," says a snoopy insider, who for reasons unknown can obviously stand to be in the same room with this hideously grotesque freak. "And [fiancé/idiot/sap/moron Kris Humphries] loves kids and doesn't see any reason to wait." DOESN'T SEE ANY REASON TO WAIT?? Okay, here's a reason: You can pretty much bet that anything that comes out of that hag's v-hole is going to be a cross between the spawn from Alien and Mel Gibson. Kim Kardashian is a MONSTER, people, and... wait. "This is crazy! I am NOT pregnant!" Kim just announced on her personal website. "Magazines can be so tricky with their wording. I'm not pregnant!" Ohhh-kay, then. Good news. She's not pregnant. (Hello? All active military forces and the CDC? Stand down. REPEAT! Stand... down.)
TUESDAY, MAY 31
Today in alleged celebrity nudity... A caboodle of filthy, nudie photos—purportedly taken by and of Gossip Girl's Blake Lively—ejaculated onto the internet today... which infuriated the Blake Lively PR camp! "The photos of Blake Lively which have just surfaced on various websites... are 100 percent fake," her overly infuriated reps suspiciously stated. "Blake has never taken nude photos of herself [and] will pursue legal action." In response to this infuriated denial of the photos, the person who allegedly hacked the pics released 17 more nude-tastic Blake Lively photos, with the following statement: "Oh, yes, Blake's rep. These are totally fake. We really, really believe you. Want moar? BTW, thanks for all the faps." ("Faps" is an internet term for "masturbation." Gross. We hate you sometimes, internet.)
WEDNESDAY, JUNE 1
BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! For those unfamiliar few, that's the sound of Lindsay Lohan's ankle-monitoring bracelet once again going off. Let's see what the problem is this time: Los Angeles probation officials rushed to Casa de LiLo today to see if the fallen starlet had escaped from house arrest, only to find Lohan "watching her 3D TV, browsing scripts, and posing for photographs for the tabloids on her rooftop" according to Radar Online. (Has anybody considered that it might be her bracelet that's trying to escape?) MEANWHILE... Bronx resident Freddy Caldwell was arrested today for threatening to bomb NYC's WPIX-11 TV station—for continuing to air reruns of the abysmal CBS comedy Two and a Half Men. It's uncertain at this juncture whether the accused was sick of seeing Charlie Sheen, or if he simply couldn't wait for Ashton Kutcher to take over the role. Or maybe he just had a bomb he needed to get rid of. (Hey, just like CBS!)
THURSDAY, JUNE 2
The GOP continues to frantically grasp for straws—"straws" meaning "candidates"—that can mount a successful 2012 campaign against President Obama. This week's straw is former Massachusetts governor and future two-time losing presidential nominee Mitt Romney who threw his hat into the ring today. "Barack Obama has failed America," Romney confusingly crowed to a crowd of supporters, while shooting them with a memory disintegration ray that would make them forget about that "Osama bin Laden being killed on Obama's watch" thingy. Labeled "wishy washy" during his last run for the nomination, Romney is sticking to a single subject this time around: the ECONOMY. "We are only inches away from ceasing to be a free-market economy," Romney idiotically proclaimed. "From my first day in office my number-one job will be to see that America once again is number one in job creation." Maybe he can create a business that only hires failed GOP candidates? There's a lot more where he came from! SPEAKING OF WHICH... Failed vice-presidential candidate and professional time-waster Sarah Palin continued her "I'm just kind of meandering around America, deciding whether or not I should run for president" bus tour with a stop in Manhattan today to eat pizza with another failed non-presidential candidate, Donald Trump. When asked if any of these guys could be a potential candidate, the GOP responded, "Well... the pizza looks good."
FRIDAY, JUNE 3
THANK GOD. "Scarlett Johansson and Sean Penn Split," reads today's glorious headline from People, bringing an end to these long, trying months of unfathomable suffering while we were all forced to imagine the beautiful, young ScarJo gamely humping away at the withered, scowling SeaPee. "Speculation about the pair began after Johansson did not attend the Cannes Film Festival with Penn for his movie The Tree of Life," People reports, adding that while her official excuse was that she's "working on The Avengers in New Mexico, reprising her role of Black Widow from Iron Man 2," another likely reason could be that "Tree of Life sounds like the most boring movie ever, and maybe she just realized she's a 26-year-old bombshell who's inexplicably dating a grumpy Muppet twice her age." "Sweet! Scar-scar's back on the market!" Hubby Kip was heard to mutter upon learning the news. "Time to get my game on." Good luck with that, dear. (Also—panic! If ScarJo's taste in Penn was any indication, Hubby Kip might actually have a shot.)
SATURDAY, JUNE 4
Ready to be depressed? Okay, good: "The rapid growth in farm output that defined the late 20th century has slowed to the point that it is failing to keep up with the demand for food," the New York Times ominously reports. "Consumption of the four staples that supply most human calories—wheat, rice, corn and soybeans—has outstripped production for much of the past decade, drawing once-large stockpiles down to worrisome levels. The imbalance between supply and demand has resulted in two huge spikes in international grain prices since 2007.... Those price jumps, though felt only moderately in the West, have worsened hunger for tens of millions of poor people, destabilizing politics in scores of countries, from Mexico to Uzbekistan to Yemen. The Haitian government was ousted in 2008 amid food riots, and anger over high prices has played a role in the recent Arab uprisings." Ready to be cheered up? Okay, good, 'cause we have a plan: EAT THE KARDASHIANS. And Snooki.
SUNDAY, JUNE 5
Having finally surrendered her title of "fun, young actress" and embraced a new role as "Hollywood's pointy-chinned schoolmarm," the formerly likeable Reese Witherspoon chastised the tween-filled crowd at tonight's stultifyingly boring MTV Movie Awards (SPOILER: Twilight won everything). Witherspoon called out today's sex-tape happy starlets, rubbing Bengay on her sore joints and sipping delicately at a lukewarm cup of chamomile tea while she did so. "I get it girls, that it's cool to be a bad girl," Witherspoon scolded. "But it is possible to make it in Hollywood without doing a reality show. When I came up in this business [c. 1493 AD—Ann], if you made a sex tape, you were embarrassed and you hid it under your bed. And if you took naked pictures of yourself on your cell phone, you hide your face, people! Hide your face!" "Hear, hear! I could not agree more, Reese!" Emperor Klaktu of Rigel VII proclaimed as he watched the broadcast via holotube, absentmindedly petting his Denobulan ether-rat. "Those hot Blake Lively cell phone pics would have totally 'livened up' my boners, if you know what I'm saying... if her freakish humanoid face hadn't been in them! Hide your face, people! Hide your face! This larvae plasma isn't going to ejaculate itself."