MONDAY, JUNE 6
After weeks of sketchy denial, the bulge of lies in Representative Anthony Weiner's pants grew too large, and exploded in yet another teary public confession. The unfortunately named Weiner admitted he engaged in "several inappropriate" electronic relationships with six women over the past three years—and it should be noted at this point that these are not the same "inappropriate electronic relationships" that Hubby Kip engages in with his Xbox on a daily basis. According to ABC News, Weiner called the hasty presser only after the news organization told him they were going to run an interview with Meagan Broussard, a 26-year-old from Texas, who had "sexted" around with Weiner since April 2011. However, the New York Times provided an interesting sideways-long glance at this sordid tale, relating how a conservative Twitter group had been monitoring Weiner's account for months, taking copious note of who he was following, and even contacting women they considered to be "schoolgirls" that needed to be protected and warned away from the congressman. The leader of this conservative Twitter surveillance group, Dan Wolfe (also sadly known as @PatriotUSA76), is said to have been extremely interested in Weiner's online dalliances, and the one who discovered the damning photo (the icky bulge that's been shoved in our faces all week), before sharing it with conservative blogger Andrew Breitbart. The rest, as they say, is history—and a history that few celebrities seem to be studying. That's why the One Day at a Time Institute of Advanced Fame is offering a "one day" (heh) seminar to any present and future celebrities entitled, "Your Genitals and the World: How to Use Social Networking Responsibly." It's only $5,000 a session, but if you'd rather save your money, simply heed these 11 words of advice: "YOUR PENIS LOOKS GROSS, AND NO ONE WANTS TO SEE IT!"
TUESDAY, JUNE 7
Even the mention of Kim Kardashian makes our blood curdle—and yet? Mention her we must, because In Touch magazine is accusing her of infidelity. As we sadly remember, Kim was recently engaged to more-than-likely brain-damaged Kris Humphries who gave her a "custom-designed, 20.5-carat Lorraine Schwartz diamond sparkler," which made her squeal like the monstrous, genetically tampered pig she is. Today In Touch subtly screamed the following on their latest cover: "STOP THE WEDDING! KIM CAUGHT CHEATING!" The alleged cheatee in question? Footballer Bret Lockett, who claimed to be sexually involved with Kardashian for the last five months. (Who would willingly claim such a thing? It's like taking out a full page ad to say you have a seeping herpes sore on your lip!) Well, naturally KimDash hit the roof—threatening to sue the pants off Lockett, the tabloid, and anyone else who would spread such vicious, horrible lies that make her appear even worse than she is (if such a thing was possible). IN A RELATED STORY... Actress Edie Falco (of The Sopranos fame) had the following to say in an interview with New York Magazine: "Who the hell is Kim Kardashian? Who are these people and why are they famous and why are they advertising things and being asked their opinions about things? If there's something about her personality or something that she's accomplished or her philosophy or something—but beyond that I don't understand what is happening." Edie Falco—we love you, and wish you had written the Bible.
WEDNESDAY, JUNE 8
The New York Times reported today that, as it turns out, Representative Anthony Weiner's wife is pregnant. So let's slightly amend the lesson of the week: "YOUR PENIS LOOKS GROSS, AND NO ONE WANTS TO SEE IT—ESPECIALLY YOUR DAUGHTER." MEANWHILE... In other things we didn't want to know about or see, Leonardo DiCaprio was spotted canoodling around Disneyland with Gossip Girl and accused "nude photo sender" Blake Lively. And while Leo may be quite the catch, we hope she avoids temptation, and keeps her va-jay-jay off his phone, and in her pants. MEANWHILE... Jennifer Aniston and new boytoy Justin Theroux we're spotted hoofing around at the MTV Movie Awards, "exchanging kisses" and "grabbing each other's booty." BLECHH! Can't these tabloids be prosecuted for transmitting obscene mental images?
THURSDAY, JUNE 9
The fading star of Paris Hilton continued to lose its twinkle this week after her new show on the Oxygen network, The World According to Paris, debuted to disastrous ratings. But it's not her fault, guys! "Paris is furious that the show didn't premiere at the time it was supposed to," a flappy-jawed insider said to Pop- Eater. "She worked her tail off doing promotion and then because of a technical mistake, the show aired at a completely different time." Ummmmm... "The show premiered at 10 pm... as was promoted," an obviously confused Oxygen spokesperson said in response. "There were no technical mistakes. The reason for the disastrous ratings is probably because she's Paris Hilton and we're the Oxygen network." OKAY, FINE—he didn't say that last part... but he would've if he had any balls.
FRIDAY, JUNE 10
Up next in What the Internet Is Furious About Today™: Tracy Morgan hates the gays! Word's out about a recent stand-up show in Nashville, Tennessee, in which the 30 Rock star went on what could be described as a... um... homophobic rampage. According to a first-hand account by attendee Kevin Rogers, Morgan said, "If his son were gay he better come home and talk to him like a man and not (he mimicked something in a gay, high-pitched voice) or he would pull out a knife and stab that little N (one word I refuse to use) to death. Tracy then said he didn't fucking care if he pissed off some gays, because if they can take a fucking dick up their ass... they can take a fucking joke." Well then. Shortly thereafter, Morgan made a hasty apology, saying, "While I am an equal opportunity jokester, and my friends know what is in my heart, even in a comedy club this clearly went too far and was not funny in any context." Roughly a billion times better was the reaction from Morgan's boss, 30 Rock creator/star/showrunner/best-person-ever Tina Fey: "I'm glad to hear that Tracy apologized for his comments. Stand-up comics may have the right to 'work out' their material in its ugliest and rawest form in front of an audience, but the violent imagery of Tracy's rant was disturbing to me at a time when homophobic hate crimes continue to be a life-threatening issue for the LGBT community. It also doesn't line up with the Tracy Morgan I know, who is not a hateful man and is generally much too sleepy and self-centered to ever hurt another person. I hope for his sake that Tracy's apology will be accepted as sincere by his gay and lesbian coworkers at 30 Rock, without whom Tracy would not have lines to say, clothes to wear, sets to stand on, scene partners to act with, or a printed-out paycheck from accounting to put in his pocket." Sah-NAP.
SATURDAY, JUNE 11
Ooof. Today Nicolas Cage's 20-year-old, gothy, wannabe rockstar son, Weston, got punched 13 times in the face by his own trainer/bodyguard. According the Daily Mail, "Weston freaked out at his trainer after being told he was not allowed to order a certain item from the menu. Things then turned nasty when Weston apparently attempted to kick" Kevin Villegas, the aforementioned trainer/bodyguard... which Villegas didn't take too well, seeing as how he then beat Weston to a "bloody pulp." Apparently undeterred, the bloodied Weston was "freaking out" when police arrived, refusing to cooperate until he was strapped to a stretcher, taken to the hospital, and placed under a psychiatric hold. Bonus lesson for the week, One Day readers: IF NICOLAS CAGE'S KID WANTS TO ORDER AN ICE CREAM SUNDAE FOR LUNCH, LET HIM ORDER AN ICE CREAM SUNDAE FOR LUNCH.
SUNDAY, JUNE 12
So, how's Lindsay Lohan's house arrest going? Oh, just peachy! Today she had some friends over for a rooftop BBQ. The party was "very mellow," a source told TMZ, noting that poor li'l LiLo "simply missed hanging out" with her pals—and wanted some company to watch Keeping up with the Kardashians! (Oh, Kevin Villegas—where are you when we need you?)