CRYSTAL HARRIS Feelings hurter.

As you know, there is little to absolutely no love lost between ourselves and that worthless, do-nothing trollop Kim Kardashian. However, just because we hate her with the intensity of 1,000 suns, doesn't mean we won't rush to her defense when the situation warrants (even though she never, ever deserves it). As reported last week in One Day, NFL footballer Bret Lockett told In Touch magazine that he'd had a "physical relationship" with this silver-spoon-sucking freak while she was dating her now fiancé Kris Humphries. Kardashian responded by hitting the roof, and swearing she was going to sue everyone from God on down. Now Lockett has changed his story—somewhat. "I've said before that it was a physical relationship, but I say that meaning there was a physical aspect in the relationship," Lockett told CNN. And the aspect he's talking about? Not actual sex, but PHONE SEX. "She did tell me that she was touching herself in a physical way over the phone, toward me," Lockett continued, grossing us out in a totally physical way. "So when I say 'physical,' that's what I mean." Hmm... okay, we understand now... you were lying, you lying liar. Dear Mr. Lockett: While we respect your wish to destroy a despicable monster who has no right breathing the same air as the rest of us, we do ask in all sincerity that you shut the fuck up. With or without your lies, Kim Kardashian will destroy herself given enough time. (We're betting her excessive makeup will eventually cave her ugly face in.)

There's rarely, if any, reason to say "Poor Hugh Hefner"—considering his wealth of money and dimwitted sex bunnies—but even an old sex fiend has feelings. It was announced today that Hugh's wedding this coming Saturday has been called off after his fiancée/dimwitted sex bunny Crystal Harris dumped him for someone else. And to make matters worse? She dumped him for Jordan McGraw, AKA Dr. Phil's son! (Can you just imagine the uncomfortable/judgmental Thanksgiving dinners? Ugh.) But here's where things really get nasty: According to Page Six, Crystal was secretly planning on dumping Hef at the wedding in exchange for a $500,000 media deal (in which she would provide an exclusive "I Left Hef at the Altar" interview). Fortunately the deal—if true—never materialized and Crystal ended up giving Hef the heave-ho the old-fashioned way... running off with another man four days before the wedding. As for Hefner, he's trying to maintain a stiff 85-year-old upper lip, sadly tweeting, "Crystal took Charlie [their dog] with her when she left & I really miss him." You may miss the dog, Hef, but trust us—you won't miss the bunny herpes.

Hold on everybody! What's all that racket coming from the barn? Oh, that's just Jennifer Aniston kicking her stall in glee that she's tricked yet another young Hollywood stud into sharing a stable with her. Unseemly bearded actor Justin Theroux has moved in to Jenny's LA home, according to Us magazine, after... oh, what's this? After DUMPING HIS GIRLFRIEND OF 14 YEARS? According to the Hollyweird scuttlebutt, Jennifer and Justin started fooling around way back in the fall, when the two were working together on the set of Wanderlust... emphasis on the "lust." Now this is all very amusing, because you'll remember that it was Jen herself—way back in 2008—who told Vogue magazine that Angelina Jolie was totally "uncool" for busting up her marriage with then-hubby Brad Pitt. But apparently it's okay since now the shoe is on the other hoof. Happy cohabitating, Jennifer and Justin! Hope neither of you horse around behind each other's back!

So Representative Anthony Weiner—he who mistakenly sent bulge-y pics of his package around the Twitter-verse and 'fessed up to at least six online flirting sprees—resigned today. Everybody (and by everybody, we mean Republicans, Democrats, and even President Obama, who should have more important things on his mind) happy now? Here are two reasons why you shouldn't be: While Democrats practically forced Weiner from their ranks for what amounts to a minor embarrassment, Republican Senator David Vitter—who was caught red-handed in 2007 gallivanting with prostitutes—still has his job. Nice double standard, guys. Reason number two: Despite his online sexual proclivities, Weiner was one of the capital's most stalwart defenders of the environment. He co-sponsored the Beach Protection Act, the National Forest Protection and Restoration Act, stood up to protect endangered species and wild horses, promoted more fuel-efficient vehicles, as well as voted to fund outdoor education for children. Now—because of silly moral posturing—that vote is gone. Too bad the environment couldn't stand up for him.

It's time for today's edition of "Friendly Reminder: Don't Call Your Boss 'Hitler'!": The truth is finally out about why sexpot Megan Fox got booted from director Michael Bay's Oscar-winning Transformers franchise, and it might have had something to do with what Fox said about Bay in 2009. "He's like Napoleon and he wants to create this insane, infamous madman reputation," Fox said. "He wants to be like Hitler on his sets, and he is. So he's a nightmare to work for but when you get him away from set, and he's not in director mode, I kind of really enjoy his personality because he's so awkward, so hopelessly awkward. He has no social skills at all. And it's endearing to watch him." That didn't go over so well with the (hopelessly awkward, Hitler-like) Bay or executive producer Steven Spielberg, who called Bay after reading the interview and told Bay to "fire her right now." Though Fox later claimed it had been her choice to lea—eh, screw it. Hubby Kip's the only one who might still care about Megan Fox at this point, and we're pretty sure even he's moved on—at least, he has if his repeated viewings of the Hermione portions of the new Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows trailer are any indication.

Still feeling bad for Hugh Hefner for getting left at the altar by that 25-year-old ice queen Crystal Harris? Don't be—the 85-year-old Hef's found another young filly to warm his Craftmatic Adjustable Bed: Anna Sophia Berglund, AKA Miss January 2011, was spotted making out with Hef this weekend at the Playboy Mansion—and just a few hours later, Hef tweeted, "After all is said and done, staying single is probably the best. I think I just missed a bullet." Even better? Berglund's closer to Hef's age, as she's a whopping 24 days older than Harris. Soooo... this should go well!

"Issues related to being over 40 have always intrigued me," Tom Hanks' wife, Rita Wilson, noted in a press release announcing her new job as editor-at-large of Huff/Post 40, a new site "targeted at the boomer generation." In related news, yes, it's a very slow news day. MEANWHILE... Not so fast! Yesterday Katie Holmes and her automaton of a child, Suri, frolicked about in the waves of a Miami beach—news that just reached Galaxior XIV, where Emperor Klaktu of Rigel VII summers! "Oh, how interesting," Klaktu remarked, his voice oddly soft. "So Tom's sex-mate and prodigal spawn have a grand old time at the Earth-beach, and yet here I am—alone on this shithole of an asteroid. I guess my invitation must have been lost in the holo-mail. Right? Katie?" He then watched a repeat of The Voice, during which he described Adam Levine's coaching style as "laughable at best." (Confidential to "T.C." at the Scientology Celebrity Centre in Los Angeles: Give Klaktu a call. We're guessing it's been a little while since you two hung out.)