MONDAY, NOVEMBER 7
For those closely monitoring this situation, things remain unchanged: Kim Kardashian is still a walking, unrepentant monstrosity. As reported last week, Kim and her sham hubby Kris Humphries have gone into sham therapy in sham hopes of a making a sham reconciliation. Unfortunately for them, the American public's gullibility runs only so deep—and the Kardashian klan is on the precipice of a backlash of Titanic proportions. (Yay!) This past weekend, Saturday Night Live produced a blistering parody of the Ks and their obsession with anal bleaching. Hotshot Hollyweird publicist Richard Laermer similarly blasted Kim saying, "She thought she was Teflon and she's being proven wrong. She's the new Kate Gosselin." (Ouch! And... Yay!) Even The Satanic Verses author Salman Rushdie hopped on top of the Kardashian dog pile twatting the following limerick: "1. The marriage of poor kim #kardashian, was krushed like a kar in a krashian" "2. her kris kried, not fair! why kan't I keep my share?" "3. But kardashian fell klean outa fashian." IN A RELATED STORY... The radical Islamists who declared a fatwa against Rushdie have not only reversed their decision after reading the author's limerick, but gave the author a "high-five" adding, "Sweet limerick, dude."
TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 8
It was 4.5 hours of sheer terror for Lindsay Lohan, according to TMZ, as she described to her friends the experience of being momentarily incarcerated for parole violations over the weekend. LiLo said that her time in the Century Regional Detention Facility in Lynwood, California, was "scary," "cold," and one of the worst places she's ever been in her life. (Ummm... is she actually forgetting all the other times she's been locked up? Let's just assume she was too drunk on pruno to remember.) MEANWHILE... It's gotta be kind of an insulting self-esteem smasher when a shambling corpse (Hugh Hefner) doesn't think you're sexy. But such was the case after Hefner saw Lindsay's nudie pix, scheduled to run in the January issue of Playboy. Says a snoopy on-set source to the New York Post, "[Hef] felt the initial shots looked too much like a Kate Moss-inspired fashion story—Lindsay's choice—where he wanted more of a classic Hollywood Marilyn Monroe feel." After a tense chat between Playboy and her legal crew, Lindsay eventually agreed to Hef's creepy old-person demands to ape a dead (naked) movie star. Reached from beyond the grave, Marilyn Monroe had this to say: "Seriously, guys. I haven't suffered enough?"
WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 9
So as far as "monsters who walk the earth" go, Kim Kardashian can at least take solace in the fact she's not the only one. Her top competition? Hollyweird director/prick/diarrhea-mouth Brett Ratner. Once famous for directing the Rush Hour franchise (and most recently Tower Heist), Ratner was up for the plum job of directing this year's Oscar ceremony, alongside pal Eddie Murphy, who was signed up to be host. This perfect plan went to poop when Ratner shot his mouth off to reporters, homophobically quipping that "Rehearsal is for fags," thereby offending the entirety of the sane world. In an eye's blink, Ratner was unceremoniously booted from his Oscar directing duties, with Murphy quickly quitting in solidarity. (BTW: Boo to you, Eddie.) That would usually be enough to teach the average stupid person to shut his stupid mouth, right? Not so in Ratner's case, who also recently shot his mouth off about actress Olivia Munn while appearing on Attack of the Show, claiming that he "banged her a few times, but forgot her." (Well hello, Prince Charming!) To Ratner's credit—after hearing how upset Munn became after hearing his comments—he visited the Howard Stern Show to issue an "apology." After admitting he lied about "banging" Munn, Ratner said he was wrong for "making her look like a whore." Kim Kardashian? Your competition just got a whole lot stiffer.
THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 10
As you may have gleaned, Penn State is in a heap of trouble following reports that their assistant football coach Jerry Sandusky allegedly molested several boys during his tenure at the school. Soon after the discovery, longtime head coach Joe Paterno was also fired for possibly covering up his assistant's sickening indiscretions. Cut to later that same day when serial Tweeter/cheater Ashton Kutcher twatted the following: "How do you fire Jo Pa? #insult #noclass as a hawkeye fan I find it in poor taste." Now. If you've never heard the sound of eight million Twatter followers exploding at once—it ain't pretty. Kutcher was bombarded with vicious replies (yay!) until he finally decided to read a newspaper to discover why Paterno had been fired. "Fully recant previous tweet!" Ashton squealed/replied to his followers. "As of immediately I will stop tweeting until I find a way to manage this feed. I feel awful... won't happen again." You know what this means, right? Ashton Kutcher is three bumps of coke and two porn stars away from becoming Charlie Sheen.
FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 11
And with that, Ashton Kutcher quit Twitter. Well, sort of. "A collection of over eight million followers is not to be taken for granted," he wrote on his blog yesterday, casually referring to his fans as a doddering old biddy might speak of her Hummel figurines. "While I will continue to express myself through @Aplusk, I'm going to turn the management of the feed over to my team at Katalyst as a secondary editorial measure, to ensure the quality of its content," he added, referring to his production company, which has brought such prestigious programs as Beauty and the Geek into the world. All snark aside, kudos, Kelso: If only all oblivious celebs would take a step or two away from anything that broadcast their opinions, the world would be a far, far better place. MEANWHILE... Those of us hoping that after Brett Ratner's award-winning display of douchebaggery, the Oscars would be cancelled... well, we're sorry to be the bearer of bad news. To the delight of no one, Hollywood is still planning on holding their lucrative night of self-pleasure—with Billy Crystal hosting! Crystal, who your grandparents might remember from the 1917 talkie When Harry Met Sally and the 1932-1976 editions of the Oscars, will no doubt bring his patented brand of wacky wordplay and saucy razzmatazz to the broadcast, which will air on ABC from February 26 to March 3, 2012. Can't wait.
SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 12
Oh! We forgot to include another fantastic little nugget of squick from the Rat! "Before I have sex with a girl, I do do one weird thing," Brett Ratner told Howard Stern on the air. "I do take 'em to a doctor and check 'em out. I'm like a cootie freak. I'm a germaphobe. I'm a hypochondriac. Before I go all the way, I send the girl to the doctor and check them for everything. My doctor has a test to tell if you're going to catch something in the future, even!" Classy, Brett. Also, one such lady who submitted to such tests back in 2006 so that she could sleep with the skeeviest man in Hollyweird? That'd be one Ms. Lindsay Lohan. (Try to act surprised.) God. It's like our whole sordid, gossipy little world is collapsing onto itself. In the most disgusting manner imaginable.
SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 13
With the economy still in the dumps and no reason for anyone to be optimistic ever again, even the denizens of Tinselturd are scraping by! Denizens such as Jaleel White—AKA Family Matters' Steve Urkel—whose representatives recently blasted the following offer to regional TV stations. "Many Americans procrastinate when it comes to holiday shopping, especially when budgets are tight. It's a good thing too, because our host, Jaleel White, one of America's favorite TV icons, will share with a national audience all of the fantastic gift ideas and deals available just before the busiest shopping day of the year." In other words: For a mere $14,000, you can hire Urkel to endorse whatever you'd like. We'd love to see him try to sell the 14 crates of his short-lived "Urkel-Os" cereal that Hubby Kip bought in 1991 as an "investment." They are disgusting. Mr. White? Have your people call us. We'll give you $14,000 if you'll just take them away, even. We just don't want to have to eat them whenever Kip tries to surprise us with breakfast in bed. MEANWHILE... Brad Pitt told Australia's 60 Minutes that he plans to quit acting in "three years" so he can focus on producing—both producing more films, and producing more children with Angelina Jolie! "No, no, that's okay, Brad," United Nations Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon hastily interrupted. "That's really sweet and everything, but we've run the numbers, and you and Angie are actually solely responsible for the planet's terrifying overpopulation statistics. Let's not go crazy or anything, yeah? Hey, I heard there's a great script out there for Ocean's 14! You could look into that, maybe! Or do another Benjamin Buttons or whatever the hell that thing was. Just... please, Brad. C'mon. We get it."