MONDAY, JANUARY 2
Well, it's a new year, which means married celebs are tossing out spouses like last week's moldy meatloaf—and we're turning our stern eye upon YOU, actor Russell Brand who dismissed wifey/pop tart Katy Perry! As dutifully reported last week, Brand filed for divorce from Perry over Christmas break, citing the ever-popular "irreconcilable differences." And now, waggy tongues around the world are speculating exactly what those "differences" were! Us Weekly postulated four reasons for the split, of which only one was interesting—so let's talk about that one: Sex addict Brand was bored to tears by Perry's performance in the boudoir! Apparently the songstress tried her best to keep up with the sexually voracious Brand in the sack, but her best just wasn't good enough. "Katy was kinky during their first times together, and he was very attracted to her," says a gabby anonymous insider. The spy also made sure to mention that Brand "likes dirty things. He really gets off on one particular porno with a guy in a wheelchair." Wait... WHAT? "Oh honey, he's obviously talking about 'Combat Jack' who certain adult video enthusiasts maintain is the 'father of modern wheelchair porn'," Hubby Kip blithely mentioned in passing. "Not my thing, but I get where Brand is coming from." IN A RELATED STORY... We're canceling our internet service.
TUESDAY, JANUARY 3
In hilarious political news, today the Iowa caucuses thoroughly humiliated racist hillbilly Governor Rick Perry (who came in a distant fifth place) as well as Michele "Crazy Eyes" Bachmann who placed sixth. Reading the writing on the wall—which appears skewed to her crazy eyes—Bachmann announced she was quitting the race to focus on "defeating the president's agenda of socialism" and the mysterious "next chapter in God's plan." "Plan? I don't have any plans for Michele Bachmann," God said while relaxing in the Bahamas. "Maybe she should focus on doing something about her crazy eyes. Ha. That's a good one." MEANWHILE... Frothy mixture of fecal matter and lube Rick Santorum surged ahead in Iowa coming in an incredibly close second place to Mitt Romney, with laughingstock challenger Ron Paul coming in a not-so-distant third. "I don't have a plan for any of these guys, either," God said, languidly sipping on a mai tai. "Though Santorum really needs to clean up his image... maybe with a wet nap? Ha. Good one." MEANWHILE... Speaking of monsters that walk the earth, it's simply not enough for the Kim Kardashian Klan to dominate other people's tabloids—now they want a tabloid of their own! Sources for the New York Post claim that the KKK want their own glossy magazine solely devoted to their antics. "They've been reaching out to several media outlets," says the source. "Now the Kardashians can spin their own stories in print." Ummm... isn't there already a publication called Tales from the Crypt?
WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 4
The New York Post reports that a happy, newly single Katy Perry was whooping it up on New Year's Eve with friends, flirting with random dudes and dancing up a storm. Well, here's a spot of news that may take the spring out of Katy's step: According to ABC News, Katy refused to sign a prenuptial agreement with soon-to-be ex-hubby Russell Brand, which, according to California law, means that the hairy limey is entitled to half of Perry's net worth which would give him (gulp!) $20 million?? Ouch. Anyway, we're sorry we interrupted your dance party, Katy. You may now return to having the time of your life! MEANWHILE... After a long, boring series of breakups and reconciliations, dreamy heartthrob Justin Timberlake is engaged to marry that drippy bar of soap Jessica Biel. Because apparently, there is no God. "There is so too a god," God said while getting a beachside pedicure. "I just don't give two craps. (Psst! Inside tip: They'll split up for good in 2013.)"
THURSDAY, JANUARY 5
Ain't no Twatter rant like a Kanye Twatter rant, 'cuz a Kanye Twatter rant don't stooooop! Today rapper and occasional crazy person Kanye West went on a three-hour long Twatter rampage, posting a celebrity record-breaking 70 twats. And of course, each and every one made perfect, beautiful sense. For example: "Good logic tells me smile Kanye... the world likes you again... red or blue pill? ...and Swallow lol." Then there was, "I have started a new company and I'm so excited about the name... it's got the best name ever of all companies of all time!!!... DONDA!!" Hmm... well, it's no "Pump N Munch"—but it's a start. Here's another: "Instead of kicking kids out of schools for using there iPhones... why not promote it? Allow kids to use search engines to do tests like the real WORLD!!!" And later: "I know this is not a very rapper thing to say but I haven't bought a new car or piece of jewelry in about 2 years...." Kanye? We elect you "president of the internet."
FRIDAY, JANUARY 6
"I'm not crazy anymore!" a laughing Charlie Sheen told People this weekend. "That was an episode," he added, referring to the dark period of which we shall not speak. "I think I'm a different person than I was yesterday," Sheen insisted. "Everything is a lot more mellow and focused and much more rooted in reality." Sheen went on to discuss how he's focusing on work, not dating even a porn star, how he's just "a single guy hanging out with my children," and how he has long-term plans to travel to Abraxas Prime in order to lead a bloody revolt against Emperor Klaktu of Rigel VII, the creature he claims caused all of his misfortunes and is probably "in cahoots" with Ashton Kutcher, Sheen's replacement on Two and a Half Men. "Klaktu's fetid green blood will water the arid fields of Abraxas until tigerblood apricot trees sprout from the moon-rocks themselves," Sheen continued, his voice remarkably steady. "My warriors shall be rewarded, and Ashton... oh, Ashton shall pay in far more terrible ways for his treachery...." MEANWHILE... Russell Brand has already moved out of the $6.5 million home he shared with former wife Katy Perry—even as Us claims the comedian blindsided the actress with the divorce! "The plan was for Katy and Russell to have the holidays apart, then see if they wanted to go through with a separation," a source claim—"THERE'S YOUR SEPARATION FOR YOU!" Charlie Sheen shouted. "JUST LIKE I'M GOING TO SEPARATE ASHTON'S SPINAL COLUMN FROM HIS—" We apologize, dears. We don't even know how he got in here. Moving on!
SATURDAY, JANUARY 7
This weekend, Jay-Z and Beyoncé had a baby girl and promptly named her "Blue Ivy." For the record: This is the last time we will ever acknowledge that there is a person on this planet named, we repeat, "Blue Ivy." MEANWHILE... As Americans nervously wait to see which inept Republican will get the presidential nomination, across the pond in Merrie Ol' London-Towne they're having a bit of sport watching our country's desperate flailings. "The Republican presidential race has turned ugly as the candidates elbow their way toward a crucial month of primary elections," the BBC reports, no doubt while sipping a nice cup of Earl Grey. The Beeb goes on to note that (1) Newt Gingrich claims President Obama would "laugh at" Mitt Romney should Romney get the nomination, (2) Gingrich, as totally unracist as he is, would like "the African American community [to] demand paychecks and not be satisfied with food stamps," and (3) That a group of Ron Paul supporters calling themselves "NHLiberty4Paul" recently funded an ad that inferred John Huntsman, the former ambassador to China, is a "Manchurian candidate" who was brainwashed by the Chinese. "Wot wot!" the BBC tutted. "So glad to see your little revolution worked out so well for you wankers!"
SUNDAY, JANUARY 8
Today in Celebrities Are Just Better Than You™ (Episode 457): Tiger Woods' ex-wife, Elin Nordegren, "is so rich she's basically building a replica of the multimillion dollar estate she knocked down," according to TMZ. Nordegren's builder claims she demolished her previous mansion due to termites, and a document obtained by TMZ notes the new house—with nine bedrooms, two kitchens, large pool, a pool cabana, a three-bedroom guest house, three guest bungalows, and a wine cellar—is basically an exact duplicate of the house she had before. Remind us again what those unemployment and homeless numbers are? MEANWHILE... In the long-awaited 458th installment of Celebrities Are Just Better Than You™, actress/horrible human being Katherine Heigl wrote a piece for iVillage titled "It's Difficult to Have It All." Bemoaning how difficult it is to juggle being a mother while also being a Hollywood actress, Heigl adds that her nanny is "a huge blessing" and that she hopes her daughter will understand why she had to work—"after I've paid for all the therapy, of course." Katherine Heigl: Truly a saint.