STEPHEN COLBERT Colbert/Cain in 2012!

You've heard the term "Monday morning quarterback," yes? Okay, but how about "Monday morning 10 years after the tragic events of 9/11 quarterback"? In a recent interview with Men's Journal, actor Marky Mark Wahlberg claimed things would've been a weeeee bit different had he been on one of the flights involved in the September 11 attacks. "If I was on that plane with my kids, it wouldn't have went down like it did," Wahlberg sneered, flexing his incredible abs. "There would have been a lot of blood in that first-class cabin and then me saying, 'Okay, we're going to land somewhere safely, don't worry.'" Wait... what??? Naturally, a lot of people are going haywire over that statement (particularly those with relatives who died on the flights), but as Wahlberg's personal, non-appointed legal counsel, we'd like to offer up three lines of defense: (1) His abs. We mean... just look at them. They're amazing. (2) Maybe he was talking about murdering the "funky bunch"? And (3)... oh, we're sorry. Still distracted by those abs. What were we talking about? MEANWHILE... As gleefully reported in last week's edition, Lindsay Lohan is up for the part of Elizabeth Taylor in a Lifetime movie! (Squeeeeeal!) However, E! News reports that another actress (read: whore) is also being seriously considered for Lindsay's role—Megan... Fox. Oh no they didn't, oh yes they did! And while the producers have yet to make a final decision, everyone already knows that if she doesn't get the role, Lindsay will happily cut a bitch. So can we please just put aside the Hollywood posturing and decide this the old-fashioned way? LOHAN!... FOX!... OCTAGON! (The rotating corpse of Elizabeth Taylor will officiate.)

Today in UGH!!: Us magazine is reporting that pop star Rihanna and her former boyfriend/dickhead abuser Chris Brown have been "secretly hooking up." (UGH!!) According to one of Brown's pals, and despite a court order for him to keep away, the twosome "meet up very casually," and "she comes to see him anytime she's in LA." Says another music industry insider, "Rihanna loves to live dangerously, and talking to and hooking up with Chris is all part of that." (UGH!!) AND IN A RELATED EXPLETIVE... (BLECHH!!) MEANWHILE... It was revealed today that TV chef Paula Deen—best known for pushing fatty, butter-crammed recipes on her cooking show—not only suffers from type 2 diabetes, but has known it for years. (SHOCK.) Naturally, it's bad enough that she knew about her disease and continued to promote unhealthy eating on her show—but now she's also determined to continue her grotesque diet while taking and promoting the diabetes drug Victoza. Upon hearing the news, Deen's publicist Nancy Assuncao announced she can no longer in good faith represent her longtime client, while another of her biggest supporters is also saying goodbye. "Actually, I just need to sit down for a minute," said Deen's famous Hamburger Doughnut Sandwich. "I'll be back as soon as... ungh... wow. Why can't I feel my left arm?"

As previously reported in One Day, the KKK (Kim Kardashian Klan) are being bombarded with rumors that tubby sis Khloe Kardashian isn't the real biological daughter of papa Robert Kardashian... which kind of made her lose her shit. "The audacity you have to mention my father's name like this!" Khloe screeched into her Twatter machine. "You are DISGUSTING!" Well Khloe, put down that Doughnut Burger and prepare yourself for yet another onslaught of disgustingness: England's Daily Mail is reporting the wild claim that Khloe's actual dad is none other than acquitted murderer O.J. Simpson! As you undoubtedly recall, Robert Kardashian represented O.J. during his trial, and considered him a longtime family friend. However, O.J. pals are claiming that the footballer would brag about having "a lovechild with the wife of a wealthy family." Hmm... Khloe's being awfully quiet. Ummm... she's not trying on gloves, is she?

In politics: the GOP continued their hilarious descent into bickering irrelevancy today when hillbilly Governor Rick Perry dropped out of the race, and Marianne Gingrich—ex-wife of walking bag of excrement Newt Gingrich—told ABC News that he once tried to coerce her into an "open marriage." Admitting he had been secretly screwing a much-younger woman—at the same time he was noisily preaching "family values" to the American public—he asked his then wife for an "open marriage" so he could continue his affair without the public disgrace of a divorce. Upon her grossed-out refusal, Newt eventually did ask for a divorce from Marianne—right after learning she was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis. (Oh, PLEASE, let Newt get the nomination! This guy makes Dick Cheney look like Glinda the Good Witch.)

Earlier this week, the internet rose up in a great, grumpy mass to protest the Stop Online Piracy Act (SOPA), a proposed bill that would've handed the keys of every website over to the world's biggest corporations. Wikipedia went dark, Google urged users to protest the bill, and Twitter and Facebook lit up with the voices of those concerned with freedom of speech. While the backlash against SOPA effectively took the bill out of contention—for now—today corporate media celebrated the US Department of Justice's copyright case against Megaupload, a file-sharing site the FBI accused of being an international racketeering ring that made flamboyant founder Kim Dotcom and his associates at least $175 million. Feds raided Dotcom's $30 million mansion in New Zealand, where they found the 6'7", 300-pound Dotcom huddled in his panic room with a shotgun. (Hubby Kip is currently browsing Craigslist, hoping to "score for cheap" one of Dotcom's luxury vehicles boasting vanity plates such as "GUILTY," "MAFIA," "EVIL," "GOD," and "STONED." [We're partial to the "GUILTY" Rolls-Royce, ourselves.]) Ugh. As worrisome as bills like SOPA are, it sure would be nice if being on the other side didn't mean catching moral cooties from d-bags like Dotcom.

Meanwhile, in South Carolina, the Republican candidates with the biggest draws are... Stephen Colbert and Herman Cain? "Comedy Central host Stephen Colbert and former Republican presidential candidate Herman Cain appeared together Friday at the College of Charleston for the 'Rock Me Like a Herman Cain South Cainolina Primary' rally," says the Hollywood Reporter, adding that the crowd of 3,000-5,000 "was the largest campaign rally so far." In other words, more people will pretend to support Colbert—who is apparently buddies with the pizza guy?—than actually support any of the real GOP candidates. (This is far more comforting than it should be.) MEANWHILE... Surprise! Grinchy Ol' Newt Gingrich won today's South Carolina primary, upsetting presumed nominee Mitt Romney and leaving Rick Santorum and Ron Paul in the dust. One of the reasons? Gingrich's blaming of the evil "elite media" for all the bad news about himself, America, and, well... everything. "He's done something that most people don't really understand," South Carolina Republican activist Mallory Factor told the New York Times. "He has channeled the frustration of the Republican base and independents." MEANWHILE... "Careful, Newt," Emperor Klaktu of Rigel VII warned the GOP candidate via holo-text. "Take it from me—blaming the media can backfire. Remember when Tom Cruise called Matt Lauer 'glib'? Against my advice, I might add? That delayed Scientology's Plan for Total Planetary Domination by at least 14 parsec-turns! Anyway, you're playing with fire. And we should totes get coffee."

Mitt "Mittens" Romney valiantly tried to keep his chiseled chin up after getting roundly defeated by Gingrich yesterday—and we're guessing his spirits were bolstered, at least in part, by the fact that according to NPR, his campaign "sent a cake to Gingrich's South Carolina headquarters to mark the 15th anniversary of the House vote reprimanding Gingrich for ethical violations." Romney "has the only campaign built to go the distance," insisted former Minnesota Governor Tim Pawlenty, who's also the co-chairman of Romney's campaign. "Um, yeah! Me too!" an eager Rick Santorum said, frantically wiping glitter off his suit as he tried to push his way toward the microphone. "Don't forget about me!" Ron Paul interrupted, shortly before pulling out a megaphone and rambling for 23 minutes about the sinister evils of fluoridation. "Yes, yes, THAT'S how you do it!" Emperor Klaktu posted on Twitter shortly thereafter. "Give 'em some pizzazz! Shock and awe 'em, like Battlefield Earth! Ron, Rick—let's grab lunch! I have several thousand Thetans who are quite interested in talking to you about their endorsements. At least until Hive-Queen Suri comes of age to campaign for Plasmid Prime of the Gralbax Sector, naturally."