MONDAY, JUNE 18
This past weekend, Oprah interviewed inhuman lumbering monster Kim Kardashian on the topic of what it's like to be an inhuman lumbering monster. They also talked about her sex tape. "I think that's how I was definitely introduced to the world," Kim cooly reminisced. "It was [in] a negative way, so I felt like I really had to work 10 times harder to get people to see the real me." When asked exactly what the "real me" was like, Kim shed her human skin to reveal her true yellow-eyed reptilian form, screeched, "Arrgaaaaahhlaaaaharggh!" and ate Oprah along with everyone else in the studio. Interesting interview! MEANWHILE... As we reported last week, it will be a MIRACLE if the terribly named Lifetime movie Liz & Dick ever gets made—but wait a second! Star Lindsay Lohan is only partially to blame! Yes, LiLo tapped the brakes on production when she slammed into the back of a dump truck last week, and later sent producers into a panic when she was found unconscious/sleeping in her penthouse at the Ritz-Carlton. However, we say that all these delays can be blamed on one culprit: caring too much! Here's what Lindsay twattered once the news of her collapse/nap hit the internet: "Note to self... After working 85 hours in 4 days, and being up all night shooting, be very aware that you might pass out from exhaustion & 7 paramedics MIGHT show up @ your door." See? That's the problem. She's working too hard, guys, and... THIS JUST IN. Lindsay Lohan is NOT working too hard. "LiLo did not work 85 hours in four days and we are not averaging 20 hours a day," said a Liz & Dick crewmember who actually does work for a living. "We worked about 70-75 hours in five days last week, which isn't that abnormal for a TV movie. We could've shaved off about seven or eight hours that we sat around waiting for LiLo." Oh! Well... However, in Lindsay's defense, when one is in a coma/catnap, one does lose track of time.
TUESDAY, JUNE 19
Actor Alec Baldwin—the left wing's Mel Gibson—is back in the tabs again after being accused of smacking a paparazzo in the chin. According to the Daily News, Baldwin and fiancée Hilaria Thomas were outside NYC's marriage license bureau, when the 30 Rock actor became enraged, and began shoving and allegedly punching celeb photog Marcus Santos. "He was like, crazy, you know?" said an eyewitness. "There was an eruption of mad." Later that same day, photographers confronted Baldwin again—though this time he tried to trick them by covering himself up in a sheet. Unconvinced that this was merely the ghost of Alec Baldwin's rage, the photogs took his picture anyway. Then, less than 24 hours after the first incident, Baldwin was accused of running over an Inside Edition reporter's foot with his mountain bike. "Ouch, my back," the reporter confusingly responded following the incident. "He shoved me and ran over my foot." This time Baldwin was intent on making amends in the best way possible... via his Twatter machine! "I am told I ran over someone's foot on my bike today," he apologetically twattered. "I think it was the person who placed their foot under the wheel of my bike." Hey, that's funny! And... OUCH! OUR BACK! (Take his picture, quick!)
WEDNESDAY, JUNE 20
In the continuously entertaining and illuminating Playboy interview with Charlie Sheen in which the actor gamely tried to explain away his 2011 psychotic "winning" break, Chuckles was asked why he chose to refer to himself as a "warlock." "I didn't know what the hell a warlock was," Sheen responded. "I just liked the way it sounded. It's got war in it; it's got a kah sound. War-lock." That explains a lot—though it doesn't explain how he graduated high school.
THURSDAY, JUNE 21
(Seeeeethe. Okay. Get ahold of yourself, Ann. Rise above, be professional, and take the high road. For once. Control... take a deep breath, and... Ahem.) Congratulations to dreamboat actor George Clooney and his beautiful, statuesque gal pal Stacy Keibler who are celebrating their one-year dating anniversary with a weeklong incredibly romantic vacation at Clooney's lavish villa in Lake Como, Italy. (GRRRRRRRRR!!!! Eaaasy, Ann. Take it eaaaaasy.) Keibler took a moment away from cuddling and nuzzling her superstar boyfriend to bat away pregnancy rumors by twattering a picture which TMZ described as "her sweaty, gorgeous, ripped, flat stomach during a workout in Italy." (Ring! Ring! Hi, Kim Kardashian? Ann Romano, here. Yeah, are you still currently in your reptilian flesh-eating form? You are. Terrific. We need a teensy-tiny little favor....)
FRIDAY, JUNE 22
Today former Penn State football coach/pedophile Jerry Sandusky was found guilty on 45 of 48 counts of sexual assault on 10 boys, bringing a close to the skeevy saga of horrific abuse and sketchy cover-ups. "On Friday, Sandusky, 68, spent the first night of what is expected to be the rest of his life behind bars," the New York Times reports. "There are federal investigations into a possible cover-up by Penn State and the charity Sandusky founded, the Second Mile"—a charity that, the New York Daily News points out, allowed Sandusky to target and systematically abuse his victims. Enjoy your life in prison, creep. It's far better than you deserve. MEANWHILE... Wall Street firms earned more in the first two-and-a-half-years of Obama's presidency than they did in the eight years of the Bush administration—thanks to, according to the Washington Post notes, "government policies that helped the financial sector avert collapse and then gave financial firms huge benefits." So you'd think the bastards would be supporting Obama, right? Wrong! "Mitt Romney's presidential campaign and the super PAC supporting it are outraising Obama among financial-sector donors $37.1 million to $4.8 million," Politico reports. You stay classy, Wall Street. There's a reason you're about one rung above Sandusky on the ladder of public opinion.
SATURDAY, JUNE 23
While Hubby Kip won't stop talking about his "spider sense," running around the house in his thermals, and pretending he's web-swinging off the couch, there's only one movie we're excited for this summer: Magic Mike, the Channing Tatum flick inspired by his real-life exploits as a stripper! Yay! But it turns out some of Channing's old stripper pals aren't so excited. "He only danced for four months. How many events could have happened to him?" a grumpy Thomas "Awesome" Austin said to TMZ, claiming Tatum was an "amateur." "They claim they took Tatum under their wings when he was a nobody and taught him all their special stripper moves like 'The Hot Seat'—which is featured in the film and Austin says he invented," TMZ continues. At a press junket, Channie responded to the criticisms of Awesome Austin and another fellow dancer, London Steele. "These guys have been trying to make money off me since I got into this business," he said. "I don't want to say anything bad about them because they're part of the reason I think this world is so interesting. They're very interesting, intriguing, and bizarre characters, and I'm thankful for weird people out there. They're some of the most creative—" Blah blah BLAH. Take off your shirt, Chatum, and show us the Hot Seat already. Do you think we're waving all these singles at you to get you to talk?
SUNDAY, JUNE 24
So that Kim Kardashian sex tape she was going on about to Oprah earlier this week? Turns out it was a teeny bit more calculated than she's letting on. According to TMZ, jilted former beau Kris Humphries has started letting people know Kim's sex tape wasn't only conceived as a publicity stunt—but actually underwent reshoots when the original version wasn't sexy enough. We've said it before and we'll say it again: Kim Kardashian is a reeking, seeping pustule in the moist, fetid crevices of the human race. (Please don't eat us.) MOVING ON... "Katie Holmes and Suri Cruise are sure to turn heads wherever they go, and it was especially hard to miss them in NYC on Sunday, when they stepped out in coordinating outfits!" squealed Us. "Holmes, 32, walked hand-in-hand with her six-year-old daughter while wearing a white pleated skirt, a black and white checkered button-down tied at the waist, and tan booties. Suri wore a similar white linen skirt and chose a summery black and white striped tank top." "Too cute!" Emperor Klaktu of Rigel VII said when he saw pictures of the mommy-daughter duo over the holonet. "That's just adorbs. Quick question, Kate, if I might? Okay. Here goes. INGRATE! Did Suri, our future Empress of the Hubbard Sector, not receive my gift of a plasma tiara from Epsilon X4 I sent her for her birthday? And what of those booties wrought from the finest of Xalanthian war-hound skins? Exactly who or what am I supposed to slaughter to please you people?!?