Happy Birthday to Me :(

The gossip story of the century continues! As cruelly/gleefully reported last week, Stepford Wife Katie Holmes has somehow removed the chip from her neck, and escaped with daughter Suri from the clutches of hubby Tom Cruise and the Church of Scientology. How did she do it? According to People, Katie's inner circle of pals have been planning the getaway since June when she rented a new apartment in NYC and slowly began moving her things while Tom was filming in Iceland. She then switched out her cell phones so she couldn't be reached. But even then, according to a snoopy source, Katie was "talking to Tom on the phone up until last week saying, 'I love you.'" OUCH! Ouch, ouch, OUCH. She then replaced her bodyguard and driver—suspected of having Scientology connections—with a new security detail. Wow! This reads just like Mission: Impossible—except this time, Tom Cruise is on the cutting-room floor. Ouchy, ouch, ouch. MEANWHILE... TMZ reports that Katie made up her mind to dump Tom six months ago, when fears began to arise the actor was planning on sending daughter Suri away to the Sea Organization (or Sea Org)—a Scientology boot camp featuring intensive lessons based on the teachings of founder L. Ron Hubbard. "Flap twaddle!" roared Emperor Klaktu of Rigel VII via intergalactic holotubes, who incidentally has just been named the primary spokesalien of the entire Scientology organization. "And thank you, Ann, for publicly acknowledging my new position, which I certainly deserve more than those other traitors... and I'm staring evilly at you, Mr. Paul Thomas Anderson," Klaktu said, rubbing his 14 tentacles together maliciously. "Anyway... where was I? OH, YES! Flap twaddle! First of all, Katie needn't fear Sea Org's interest in our future galactic queen Suri Cruise. Church elders do not allow anyone under the age of 16 into Sea Org, and certainly not without permission from both parental units. However, children under the age of 16 are eligible for Volcanic Sacrifice Summer Fun Camp, led by Operating Thetan Level 5 John Travolta and... I've said too much. Sorry... new to the gig!" MEANWHILE... John Travolta has come out as gay, and... did we say John Travolta? We meant news correspondent Anderson Cooper. We can't understand why we keep making that mistake.

Happy birthday, actor and recently jilted Scientologist Tom Cruise, who turned a nifty 50 years old today! Tom celebrated his b-day in his vast, empty Beverly Hills mansion, though was momentarily visited by his children from a previous marriage that also failed horribly. (Thanks for the reminder, kids!) How was Tom feeling about turning the big five-oh? "Somber," noted an inside source. "Just very, very sad." Ohhh-kay then. On the upside? Guess which lucky birthday boy is getting an audio book cassette of L. Ron Hubbard's Dianetics: The Modern Science of Mental Health? "No need for thanks," Emperor Klaktu said, humbly waving a tentacle. "I've got a closet full of them." MEANWHILE... The New York Post reports that a "terrified" Katie Holmes is holing up in her new NYC apartment, scared that Cruise's Scientology agents will kidnap Suri. Is she nuts? Not according to the Post, which spotted a team of "beefy armed men" parked outside Katie's building, snapping pictures of people and demanding to know who they were. "What a load of Thalagarian Slime Beetle droppings!" howled Scientology spokesalien Emperor Klaktu. "Those weren't Scientologists... they were Jehovah's Witnesses, and frankly, I'm insulted you think we all look alike! (I'm getting pretty good at this job, huh?)"

Former beloved rapper Kanye West and yellow-eyed slithering reptile Kim Kardashian spent the Fourth of July in France for Paris Fashion Week. A grateful America celebrated by setting off fireworks nationwide.

Forbes magazine announced today that Tom Cruise is the highest paid actor in Hollywood, making $75 million in the last year alone, and... "KATIE HOLMES SHALL NOT RECEIVE EVEN A SINGLE GOLD-PLATED BAR OF LATINUM FROM HIM," interrupted Emperor Klaktu on behalf of Cruise's legal team. "Wait... what miniscule monetary unit do you Earthlings refer to in such instances? A 'penny'? Very well. KATIE HOLMES SHALL NOT RECEIVE EVEN A SINGLE GOLD-PLATED BAR OF PENNY FROM HIM! Next question." MEANWHILE... Gross! Despite the pair's fervent denials, the gorgeous Mila Kunis and the douchebaggy Ashton Kutcher have been caught canoodling once again—this time at LA's trendy Soho House, where Mila was spotted "running her fingers through Ashton's hair," as he "whispered and kissed her cheek," while... "ENOUGH OF THESE SLANDEROUS LIES!" scolded an interrupting Emperor Klaktu. "As Ashton Kutcher's newest publicist, I must insist these two are NOT an 'item.' They are merely two former coworkers who occasionally enjoy each other's company and the shared sensation of placing his 'penis' inside of her 'vagina.' Wait... are those earthling sex organs? Forgive my confusion. I need to watch more of your Cinemax."

According to Us, Tom Cruise's management team (we really hope they call themselves "Team Cruise") are in "major crisis mode." "Tom's whole life... is being torn apart. He is on the phone with his lawyers 24/7... trying to hash this out," a source tells Us. "This," of course, would be the divorce settlement—an especially tricky proposition, since Cruise "doesn't want his entire life laid out for everyone to dissect." Tom! We would never! MEANWHILE... TMZ has learned that "Suri is the dealmaker and the dealbreaker" in the negotiations, and Tom is insisting on "meaningful, significant contact with his daughter." "Hmmm..." Emperor Klaktu considered. "It doesn't have quite the ring as 'Her Excellency, Queen of the Trilobanth Sector and Fearless Psychlo Slaughterer,' but I'll still add 'Dealmaker and Dealbreaker' to Suri's list of acceptable appellations." MEANWHILE... Hooray for America! Lindsay Lohan unsurprisingly spent the Fourth of July in a bar... but rather surprisingly was accompanied by dreamy porn star James Deen, star of Breast in Class 2: Counterfeit Racks, This Ain't Two and a Half Men XXX, and Gangbanged 2. (Quick question, dears—if we missed the first Gangbanged, will we be able to understand what happens in Gangbanged 2? We're, um, asking for a friend.)

Wait... WHAT? "Less than two weeks after Katie Holmes filed for divorce, the actress and Tom Cruise have reached a settlement," reports People. "We are thrilled for Katie and her family and are excited to watch as she embarks on the next chapter of her life," said Holmes' attorney, Jonathan Wolfe, while Cruise's attorney, Dennis Wasser, grumbled, "All the lawyers and the parties are happy that it's done, the deal was closed and we wish everyone well." Considering the speed of the settlement—and the glee/grumpiness of Holmes and Cruise's respective attorneys—we're going to guess that Tom, desperate to get this thing over with, gave Katie everything she asked for. "Wait wait WAIT!" bellowed Emperor Klaktu. "Ann, that's quite an assumption to make based on such meager evidence, and... okay, fine. That's totally what happened. Now if you'll excuse me, Tom has requested I bring over a tub of 'Ben & Jerry's Chocolate Therapy,' as well as a Blu-ray of something called The Notebook."

Next week, recent divorcée Katie Holmes will start production on Molly—a movie she co-wrote and which is about, oh-so-coincidentally, a single mother and her daughter. "Katie was impressed enough by my spokesalien talents that she's hired me to do PR for Molly—which is already gaining 'hot buzz' and is sure to be a hit!" Emperor Klaktu proclaimed in a holotubed press conference. "Katie can't wait to get back to work, and—" When we interrupted to ask if Emperor Klaktu's employment by both Holmes and the Church of Scientology might be a conflict of interest, Klaktu was silent for several moments—his only movements the blinking of his compound eyes, his only sounds the slurping of his phlegm membranes. "That's... good question, Ann," he eventually stammered. "I... I hadn't thought of that. I should probably... well, you see, Molly will be good, but you should also see Rock of Ages, now playing at a theater near... and... I don't... Tom and Katie request privacy in this time of... Top Gun! L. Ron Hubbard! Suri, Queen of the Trilobanth Sector! I don't.... This press conference is over! No more questions!" Unaware that his microphone was still on, Klaktu then crawled off his podium. "Great Galthorks of Venturon! This is harder than I thought!" he mumbled under his breath. "Tom better not have eaten all that Chocolate Therapy."