STEVEN TYLER Or is that Joan Rivers?

MONDAY, JULY 9 As you certainly remember from last week, we were annoyingly robbed of the protracted legal battle promised to us by the divorce of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes when they settled everything from start to finish in less than TWO WEEKS. How are we supposed to do our job under these conditions! We (and Emperor Klaktu, Scientology spokesalien and ruler of the Rigel VII Star Quadrant) were planning on milking this situation for months—so thankyouverymuch, Tom and Katie... for practically nothing! Well... let's pick up some scraps, shall we? ITEM! It was revealed today via numerous media outlets that Katie Holmes will retain primary custody over daughter Suri, with Tom Cruise enjoying "generous visitation rights." "I certainly trust there's a clause that allows Princess Suri frequent visits to Rigel VII," said Emperor Klaktu while stroking his gills thoughtfully with seven tentacles. "I'd hate for our future intergalactic queen to miss next year's 'Volcano Virgin Spring Fling.' It's the event of the season!" ITEM! According to snoopy sources speaking to Now magazine, Katie is dead set on changing Suri's middle name to "Cruise" and her surname to "Holmes." "Wait... 'Suri Cruise Holmes?'" asked Emperor Klaktu. "Blech. I don't like that. How about 'Our Grand Exalted Almighty Imperial Goddess of All the Cosmos Queen Suri the Puny Planet Destroyer Hubbard'? 'Holmes' is so... so... pedestrian, and besides, when we eventually finish cloning the ashes of our glorious founder L. Ron Hubbard, he'll need a bride with an easy-to-pronounce name." ITEM! The Los Angeles Times is reporting that Katie Holmes used a "throwaway cell phone provided by a friend" while planning her divorce so Tom and the Church of Scientology wouldn't know what she was up to. "Blast you earthlings and your simplistic yet confounding human technology!" roared Emperor Klaktu. "We thought we had all our bases covered! Well, she shan't fool us again! MINIONS! Begin following Katie's every move... via CB and ham radio!!"

TUESDAY, JULY 10 Have we mentioned how much we love Tom Cruise lately? Sure, he's a bit eccentric, but really a great actor and SO loveable, and please god don't let Tom Cruise sue us!! The National Enquirer is in the soup (but good) with Tom's legal staff after accusing of him of being a "monster" on the cover of their latest issue. (True, we occasionally accuse Kim Kardashian of being a monster—but we're speaking metaphorically, and they called him an actual monster.) "Mr. Cruise is certainly not a 'monster'," responded Cruise pitbull attorney Bert Fields. "He is a caring father, a hardworking actor, and, above all, an honest, decent man." Unfortunately for the Enquirer, it gets worse. The accompanying article also stated that Suri was forced by the "monstrous" Tom to live for five months in a tiny, windowless room inside his Telluride mansion. Fields also rebutted this (okay, super ridiculous) notion, adding, "She slept in a nursery adjoining their bedroom. It has a window." Cruise's legal team is threatening extreme litigation if "each and every one of [the Enquirer's] false allegations" isn't retracted. Ahem. So as mentioned earlier, Tom Cruise is absolutely, positively NOT a "monster," and neither is Kim Kar... Kim Kar... augghhh!!! We can't do it! KIM KARDASHIAN IS A REPULSIVE MONSTER WHO TRAPS CHILDREN AND MAKES THEM LIVE IN WINDOWLESS ROOMS!! (Ahhh... that's better.)

WEDNESDAY, JULY 11 Speaking of repulsive monsters, the House of Representatives voted for the 33rd time—let's repeat that—the 33rd time to repeal the president's health care reform act, even though it doesn't have a chance of getting past the Senate and White House. Thirty-three times. (We'd be surprised if our Hubby Kip washed the dishes that often.) In the House's defense, they're unrepentant obstructionists, and they hate "ObamaCare," uninsured Americans, people with jobs, and doing what voters actually elected them to do. (Sorry, that was the best defense we could muster.) MEANWHILE... According to BuzzFeed, Katie Holmes has a secret passage from her NYC apartment to the Whole Foods on the ground floor of her building. "WHAT?" raged Emperor Klaktu. "I was wondering where she got those gluten-free/vegan tamales! You can only get those in the Whole Foods deli case! DAMN IT!! Is this CB radio working or not?!?"

THURSDAY, JULY 12 For those who still watch American Idol—we're laughing at you, not with you—it may be of some interest that judges Jennifer Lopez and Steven Tyler are leaving the show to pursue whatever it is old people do. (Suck on Werther's candies and complain about teenagers?) On the downside—yes, there is no upside—they may be replaced by any of the following losers: snaggletoothed hillbilly Miley Cyrus, screeching rap person Nicki Minaj, woefully untalented producer, Christian sex bomb Katy Perry, and incontinent pants pee-er Fergie. In other words... business as usual.

FRIDAY, JULY 13 "It's just one of those special things in your life you don't want to walk away from," a sobbing Jennifer Lopez told Ryan Seacrest about her decision to leave American Idol. BUT WAIT. Turns out J.Lo didn't exactly choose to leave. "The singer was actually dumped by Fox when she asked for a $2 million raise in salary," the Wrap reports. Oh, and Steven Tyler? He didn't even ask for a raise and he still got fired. IN TERRIBLE TELEVISION NEWS... Good ol' Kate Gosselin, of TLC's execrable Jon & Kate Plus 8, has been missing from the gossip pages lately. (Maybe there is a god!) But guess who's none too happy about her absence from the limelight? "we miss our show&the adventures and huge opportunities to help and entertain :)others! Why am I watching and crying??!:)" That was just one of the tweets Kate sent out as she recently watched old episodes of Jon & Kate Plus 8 with her unfortunate children. "We are watching the St Jude's episode... I am crying... Happy and sad tears.. Old episodes of Jon&Kate+8 warms our hearts..." So... what's Kate up to when she isn't brutally slaughtering the English language? "Kate's popularity has plummeted to the point that a cruise promotion featuring the opportunity to hang out with the former reality queen was canceled in May due to lack of interest," Radar Online reports. "Kate now blogs for the online site Coupon Cabin." Oh. Okay.

SATURDAY, JULY 14 "He keeps asking, 'What's happening?'" a source close to Tom Cruise gabs to People, adding that until Katie ruined everything, Tom "was a happy man and thought he had a happy life." Oh. Okay. (We're sorry, dears. These last two days have been a teensy bit more depressing than we expected them to be.)

SUNDAY, JULY 15 As far as headlines go, they don't get much better than this one from the Oregonian: "Nike Announces That Joe Paterno Child Development Center Name Will Be Changed." Good call, Nike. MEANWHILE... It's been .043 seconds since we checked in on Tom and Katie, so let's see—uh oh. "Suri Cruise Pouts, Cries After Mom Katie Holmes Refuses to Buy Her an Adorable Puppy at Store," reports the Daily News. "Suri pouted and made the saddest puppy eyes when her mom put her foot down and led her away from the black-and-white pooch—a mix of Yorkshire terrier and Maltese—on Saturday," the Daily News continues, noting that Suri then threw "what appeared to be a mommy-I-hate-you tantrum in their car as a bodyguard drove them away." Yes, yes, we're aware that divorce can be a terrible and confusing thing... but we're also aware that Suri is a spoiled little brat an—"STOP RIGHT THERE, ANN!" bellowed Emperor Klaktu, unexpectedly interrupting us via hologram. "You don't want to say anything you'll regret when the Great Thetan War of 2016 installs Suri as Imperial Goddess of All the Cosmos, would you? And besides, this is but a trifling matter! For what humanoid could possibly want a 'puppy' when Uncle Klaktu just teleported them a larvae-brood of Lambraxian Slime Millipedes? I only hope Suri knows not to feed them after midnight," Klaktu hastily added. "The consequences of doing so would be... unfortunate."