MONDAY, JULY 30
If we ever decide to leave our Hubby Kip—at which point he'll probably be killed in an avalanche of discarded Cheetos bags and videogame cartridges—we hope we do it the way Twilight star Robert Pattinson dumped lip biter/home wrecker Kristen Stewart: with cruel, but hilarious verve. As you undoubtedly remember, KStew was stone cold busted tongue wrestling (and perhaps oral sexing) her Snow White and the Huntsman director/icky Limey Rupert Sanders. After issuing a deliciously humiliating public apology, Kristen was unceremoniously booted from Robert's mansion—but for some reason neglected to take her car. No worries! According to the Superficial gossip site, Rob had her car towed out of his driveway and parked across the street from a McDonald's. Yessssssssss. We are indeed "lovin' it." MEANWHILE... While Kristen bites her lip and pines away—we don't care where, because she's a lip-biting tramp—wherefore art the jilted Robert Pattinson? According to Us Weekly, Rob is hiding out at Reese Witherspoon's vacation house! Upon hearing of his woes, Rob's Water for Elephants co-star offered him a private getaway at her sprawling Ojai, California, ranch that sits on seven acres and sports a barn, a swimming pool, and a guest house originally built for Reese's chin. (Sorry, couldn't resist.) MEANWHILE... Across the ocean, England's Telegraph is reporting that Liberty Ross—the spurned wifey of Kristen Stewart-licking director Rupert Sanders—has already forgiven her hubby for his "momentary indiscretion." (Aren't Brits the BEST?!) Rupert's father, 76-year-old Michael Sanders, pish-toshed the infidelity in a wonderfully British way: "This girl's a pretty young thing and if you've been gadding around for five months, or what have you, you're bound to get a bit friendly." GADDING ABOUT? Ohhhh, that's the best term ever for oral sex. ("Tuppence for the birds" = Rim jobs.)
TUESDAY, JULY 31
In case you haven't heard, Lindsay Lohan is desperately trying to rehab her life and career—and her latest move involves a new role in the Paul Schrader flick The Canyons, co-starring porn star James Deen. However, it sounds like LiLo is doing some acting behind the scenes as well, because according to TMZ, Linds was "EXTREMELY hesitant" to shoot a topless sex scene— even though she happily went boob-loose in Robert Rodriguez' Machete, as well as her recent and terrible Playboy spread. Luckily for all, Lindsay eventually agreed to once again set her twins free... after the crew agreed to also strip down to their underpants. (We bet that exact scenario happens all the time at your office, right?) MEANWHILE... In Snoop Dogg news: Snoop Dogg is no longer called "Snoop Dogg." According to the New York Times, Snoop recently underwent a "spiritual rebirth" while in Jamaica—you see where this story is going? Anyway, long gossip short, Snoop has converted to Rastafari, and has been renamed "Snoop Lion" by Rastafarian priests. So call him "Snoop Lion" now. (Laugh if you want, but this is still 100 percent less ridiculous than anything involving Scientology.)
WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 1
In continually distressing news, hottie Mila Kunis and creepy, still-not-divorced Ashton Kutcher have tiptoed off to a "Bali love nest," says the New York Post—a five-star Indonesian resort which features romantic four-post beds, sunken indoor bathtubs, and "ultra-private pools" where the two are most certainly "gadding about." (In other words, dump in some extra chlorine.) MEANWHILE... Scandal at the Olympics! Eight Chinese badminton players were expelled today after it was discovered they just weren't trying very hard. The champion shuttlecock bashers were apparently throwing matches to get "a more favorable draw going forward" according to the Los Angeles Times. The players allegedly dumped serves, and refused to put forth much effort, infuriating the crowd as well as top-ranked badminton player Hans-Kristian Vittinghus of Denmark, who dramatically twattered the following: "Hard to see the sport I love like this! What a disgrace! Disastrous day for badminton." (One Day at a Time Factoid: Yes, badminton is actually a sport, and people other than children actually play it.)
THURSDAY, AUGUST 2
New couple alert! After gadding about, marrying, and then divorcing Limey non-comedian Russell Brand, jiggling pop star Katy Perry has been spotted gadding about with musician/known gadabout John Mayer. The pair were spotted on a romantic dinner date at the posh Chateau Marmont where, according to Us Weekly, John and Katy were "holding hands across the table, sneaking kisses, and laughing." Now for those with short memories, John Mayer is best known for unceremoniously dropping and shit-talking Jennifer Aniston, dilly-dallying and dumping country singer Taylor Swift, and in his famous Playboy interview, comparing gal pal Jessica Simpson to "sexual napalm." So in other words... still a big leap up from Russell Brand. Good luck, you crazy kids! You have our blessings.
FRIDAY, AUGUST 3
"Fresh off Tom Cruise's split from Katie Holmes, the actor took his daughter, Suri, 6, to the Magic Kingdom," reports People. "Suri looked like she was in heaven," elderly Tampa resident Marianne Cohen happily gushed. "She was walking around like she owned the place, having the time of her life." "That's because she does own the place!" Emperor Klaktu of Rigel VII bellowed when informed of Tom and Suri's vacay. "Marianne Cohen of Tampa! I decree that when the Great Thetan Schism of 2016 splits your meager planet asunder, your screams of geriatric anguish will echo to the Baxtilian Quadrant! Queen Suri shall drink your tears, vomit upon your soul, and... and.... Oh. I'm sorry, Marianne. I got a little carried away. I'm just feeling... I don't know. Left out, I guess? Was this like a 'Daddy Daughter Day' or something? Because Tom knows I've always wanted to ride Space Mountain." MEANWHILE... The Olympics continued to meander on, interesting absolutely no one... except Samuel L. Jackson, who's been bombarding the world with thousands of giddy, rabidly patriotic tweets! A sampling: "DREAM REALISED!!!!! US Gymnastic GOLD!! Strong performances! Pressure makes DIAMONDS!!! Go USA!" "Heeeeeere We Goooooo! Women's Gymnastics! I BELIEVE!!!! Go USA!!!" "BUTTAFUQQINFLY WORLD RECORD!!!! Dayummmm! Go USA!" He also saw fit to comment on other nations' competitors: "Okay, that was Drunk Lady Staggering Flip dismount! Made famous by many girls missing the top step in da club!" "Can't imagine what kinda Fuckin' up musta been goin' on for Russia to win Silver! Gotta be Ass Busting' worthy of our amusement!!" Let it hereby be known: Should we unexpectedly perish in a Manolo Blahnik incident, please have Samuel L. Jackson take over as the writer of One Day at a Time. We trust him, and only him, with our legacy.
SATURDAY, AUGUST 4
Things are touch slow today so let's check in on... oh. Oh god. Kristen Stewart is not doing well, dears. "Kristen is acting like a heartbroken teenager," a source tells RadarOnline. "She is crying her eyes out nonstop and does not want to communicate with anyone." "The devastated star is said to be so upset that she has not showered in several days and is gorging on ice cream," adds the Daily Mail. Kristen, honey, we've been there. But take it from someone who knows: Nonstop sobbing and gallons of Cherry Garcia usually aren't the best ways to get your man back.
SUNDAY, AUGUST 5
Three weeks after 12 died and 58 were injured in a mass shooting in Aurora, Colorado, 40-year-old Army veteran and white supremacist Wade M. Page entered the Sikh Temple of Wisconsin in the quiet Milwaukee suburb of Oak Creek. Using a legally purchased 9mm handgun, he shot and killed five men, aged 39 to 84, and a 41-year-old woman, all of whom were preparing for religious services. Wade then injured three more, including the first officer at the scene, whom Page shot "eight to nine times," according to Oak Creek Police Chief John Edwards. "All of us recognize that these kinds of terrible, tragic events are happening with too much regularity for us not to do some soul searching," President Barack Obama said. Then, as is the custom of every American elected official, he proceeded to do absolutely nothing to prevent any more of these terrible, tragic events. MEANWHILE... If the shootings in Colorado and Wisconsin are horrific reminders of the things we're capable of, today NASA gave us a glimpse of... well, the other things we're capable of. Despite a meager budget and an increasingly ambivalent public, NASA landed a car-sized, plutonium-powered rover on Mars—a stunningly ambitious and complex maneuver that involved 350 million miles of space travel, a pinpoint landing in Mars' Gale Crater, and a hovering, jet-powered "sky crane" that used cables to lower the one-ton rover Curiosity to the planet. Within minutes, Curiosity had sent back its first picture. "Today, the wheels of Curiosity have begun to blaze the trail for human footprints on Mars," NASA Administrator Charles Bolden promised. Here's hoping that by the time that happens, we've got shit figured out on Earth.