TOM CRUISE "Wanted: One Wife. No previous experience necessary. Must have own spaceship."


As reported last week, Vanity Fair wrote an article asserting that, in 2004, Scientologists auditioned young starlets to possibly become Tom Cruise's next wife. (Before we go into details, our Hubby Kip also "auditioned" girls to be his wife. We're the only ones who showed up. Let's continue.) According to the article, the church told several young actresses they were auditioning for a "training film" and asked several questions including, "What do you think of Tom Cruise?" (Umm... what does any girl think of Tom Cruise? That he's crazy as a bedbug, and yet we'd still be on his bone in a hot New York minute. Continuing.) Model/actress Nazanin Boniadi got a "call back" following her "audition" and was allegedly audited every day thereafter, spilling her innermost sexual secrets to the Scientology vetting staff, and signing scads of confidentiality agreements. Tom and Nazanin met, hit it off, and she began to suspect an arranged marriage was in the works. (Now don't judge, Judy! We've been trying to "arrange" a marriage with George Clooney for years. Onward.) Nazanin was told to lose her boyfriend, her braces, and the red streaks in her hair (hello unwanted memories of Nicole Kidman)—unfortunately, after a month of dates, Tom began to find numerous faults with his chosen one. And even though she spent three hours per day purging herself of "negative thoughts about Tom" (!!) she was dumped. Not by Tom, of course, but by the church, who allegedly told her that he "wants someone with her own power—like Nicole" and she was never to contact him again. Naturally, the Scientologists are calling this article "hogwash"—but let's see what Emperor Klaktu, Scientology spokesalien, and 14-tentacled warlord of Rigel VII has to say. "This article is Thalagarian brainworm-wash!!" Klaktu roared, tentacles thrashing the air. "Besides, arranged marriages WORK. What about you and Hubby Kip?" Ummm... Seeing as how we didn't "arrange" to marry someone who spends three-quarters of his weekend on the couch covered in Cheeto dust—we'll plead the Fifth.


Speaking of women who speak well of their husbands, First Lady Michelle Obama addressed the Democratic National Convention in Charlotte tonight, and, naturally, killed it. Without ever mentioning that super rich Mormon guy, Michelle obliterated the selfish, hate-filled Republican party with statements such as, "Barack knows the American dream because he's lived it, and he wants everyone in this country to have that same opportunity, no matter who we are, or where we're from, or what we look like, or who we love." Meanwhile, Hubby Kip spent much of the evening trying to get his finger unstuck from an empty bottle of Bud Light. :( ALSO... It's Beyoncé's b-day, everybody! And she spent her special day relaxing with baby, Blue Ivy, and hubby, Jay-Z, on their yacht in the south of France. Meanwhile, we're being forced to make a late-night run to the store for butter. Because Hubby Kip's finger is still stuck in that bottle. :(


Tonight at the Democratic Convention, former President Bill Clinton did the near-impossible, giving a rousing 45-minute speech that handily deconstructed every negative message presented by the Republicans thus far, as well as renewing America's faith in Bill Clinton the statesman (rather than Bill Clinton—that creepy guy who got splooge on an intern's dress). MEANWHILE... Once again we're a bit confused regarding Lindsay Lohan, and what she's talking about. Today on her Twatter machine (which should be locked down for her own safety), she wrote, "I just want everyone and Tom Cruise to know, that I have/had no part in the Vanity Fair story. Nor has anyone in my life, personal and work-related." Ummm... ohh-kay, good to know. And maybe Lindsay should know that she was never even mentioned in that Vanity Fair article... soooooo... WHAT IS SHE TALKING ABOUT?


And, sure, while Beyoncé's life (yachts, southern France, hubby Jay-Z) might make the rest of us envious—there are drawbacks. For example, she's forced to hang out with slithering, reptilian reality show star Kim Kardashian! (Shudder.) Since Jay-Z is best buds with Kanye West, who is inexplicably still dating this grotesque piece of walking sputum, Beyoncé is pretty much forced to interact with her on occasion. BUT SHE DOES NOT LIKE IT. According to Radar Online, Queen B read Kim K the riot act recently when the opportunistic tramp tried to muscle her way into a Ron Howard-directed documentary about Jay-Z. "Kim was desperate for attention... and getting in the way of cameras," a snoopy onlooker said. "So [Beyoncé] took Kim to one side and told her that the day wasn't about her." Hmm... maybe Beyoncé should take Kim for a ride on her yacht—and give her a shove in the right direction.


We're a week out from Clint Eastwood's rambling speech at the Republican National Convention—during which he got into a fight with an empty chair he claimed was being used by an invisible Barack Obama—and it still doesn't make any sense. But don't tell Clint! Before the speech, "there was a stool there, and some fella kept asking me if I wanted to sit down," the 82-year-old Eastwood told his hometown paper, the Carmel Pine Cone. "When I saw the stool sitting there, it gave me the idea." Eastwood added that, despite requests, he refused to divulge his plan with anyone from Mitt Romney's campaign. "They vet most of the people, but I told them, 'You can't do that with me, because I don't know what I'm going to say,'" Clint remembered, going on to explain why he blithely ignored his five-minute time limit. "When people are applauding so much," he told the Pine Cone, "it takes you 10 minutes to say five minutes' worth." Clint, you are officially America's Crazy Grandpa. Don't ever change. MEANWHILE... Hustler publisher Larry Flynt has offered $1 million for anyone who can provide "documented evidence concerning Republican Presidential candidate Mitt Romney's unreleased tax returns and/or details of his offshore assets, bank accounts, and business partnerships." Ladies and gentlemen, Larry Flynt: a reprehensible, publicity-hungry, rabble-rousin' porn-monger... who happens to be more proactive than every Democrat in Washington. Combined.


Hollyweird heavyweight Harvey Weinstein—one of the distributors of The Master, Paul Thomas Anderson's upcoming film inspired by Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard—has had to "beef up his own security," says the New York Post, due to the fact that the Weinstein Co. has been "inundated" with strange "calls and mail from people believed to be Scientologists." "Oh, come on! That isn't true at all! Geez, paranoid much?" asked Emperor Klaktu of Rigel VII as he cheerfully duct-taped shut an ominously ticking cardboard box, then used a Sharpie to awkwardly scrawl upon its surface. "DEAR ANDROMEDA SYSTEM POSTAL SERVICE MAIL ALIEN, PLEASE DELIVER TO HARVEY WEINSTEIN THANK YOU FROM KLAKTU."


Well, this is embarrassing. The New York Times has taken note of Portland's fluoride controversy—which is to say, "that proven health initiative that makes perfect sense, but which a minority of people who steadfastly ignore scientists, dentists, and their own rot-toothed children are very, very much against." Quoting Mayor Sam Adams, City Commissioner Nick Fish, and various Portlanders, Times reporter Kirk Johnson revealed to the world how an unlikely alliance of Oregon's conspiracy theorists and white people who pay $15 per apple at New Seasons are trying to keep Portland's city council from improving the deplorable dental health of our city's low-income children. Local web developer Celia Wagner spoke to the Times. "It's Portland doing its Portland thing," she said. "It's charming, but occasionally not charming." Yes, Celia. That just about sums up life in Portland. Well, that and the fact our children's teeth make them look British. MEANWHILE, IN NATIONAL POLITICS... Political commentator Lindsay Lohan is back with another installment of "WHAT IS SHE TALKING ABOUT?" LiLo hopped on Twatter again this weekend to voice her opinion about a tweet from President Barack Obama. "I've cut taxes for those who need it: middle-class families, small business," Obama's tweet read. Lindsay's Twattered response? "We also need to cut them for those that are listed on Forbes as 'millionaires' if they are not, you must consider that as well." Hmm. That's an interesting perspective, Lindsay. So those who are listed as millionaires by Forbes should also have their taxes cut—unless, that is, they aren't actually millionaires? Or maybe you meant everyone who isn't listed in Forbes should be considered for tax cuts, along with the millionaires? Or maybe you meant Obama should take a page from the Scientologists and audition you as his next wife, so that then you can subscribe to Forbes and write your own name into the millionaires list so you can avoid paying sales tax and... or... we can't... LINDSAY. WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?