MONDAY, APRIL 21 Okay, no more fooling around: Someone needs to walk into Tom Cruise's personal gold-plated bank vault, and take every single penny he owns. While it's certainly one thing to throw money into an alien-worshipping cult (apologies to Emperor Klaktu), prepare yourself to be astonished and possibly sickened upon hearing the details of Li'l Suri Cruise's second birthday bash. First of all, Tom spent $100,000—that's right, 100 grand on a party for a two-year-old who can't even count to two. Secondly, according to the Daily News, Suri blew out the candles on "a four-tiered cake while watching in wonder as 1,000 butterflies flew around her." And while she may have only had 24 guests, each was presented with a designer cake with their names in edible calligraphy, and feasted on $45,000 in food catered by Wolfgang Puck himself. (That's a lot of cuisine for guests who still get their meals from mom's nipples.) C'mon, Tom! Instead of spending thousands of dollars on designer cakes and live flittering butterflies, Suri would've been just as happy (if not happier) with one spoon and an open can of Betty Crocker frosting. (Besides, when Emperor Klaktu destroys an entire system of inhabited planets, so that the resulting explosions read, "Happy Birthday, Suri"—well, 1,000 butterflies kind of pales in comparison, doesn't it?)

TUESDAY, APRIL 22 In a bit of welcome news for presidential wannabe Hillary Clinton, she won tonight's Pennsylvania primary election by a 10 percent margin over her far dreamier competitor Barack Obama. Clinton is using the victory to bolster her argument that she is better qualified to defeat Republican John McCain in the fall—but what she fails to realize is that a laundry basket full of punctured bicycle tire tubes could beat McCain and... did we mention how dreamy Obama is? MEANWHILE... Behold, the opening sentence of the greatest news story ever, entitled, "Penis Theft Panic Hits City." From Reuters, "Police in Congo have arrested 13 suspected sorcerers accused of using black magic to steal or shrink men's penises." Wait! Here's another great sentence! "Reports of so-called penis snatching are not uncommon in West Africa," (?) and the penis thefts "quickly dominated radio call-in shows with listeners advised to beware of fellow passengers in communal taxis wearing gold rings." According to victims, "sorcerers simply touched them to make their genitals shrink or disappear." (Hubby Kip once accused us of a similar crime, which is when we told him (a) he's never once purchased us anything resembling gold, and (b) shut up and bring us a drink.)

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 23 It was reported today that a trained 700-pound grizzly bear featured in the Will Ferrell comedy Semi-Pro attacked and killed his trainer, before finally being subdued by mace. While we refuse to blame the victim, the name of the Hollywood animal training facility is, after all, "Randy Miller's Predators in Action." Creepy? Maybe. But it's a definite improvement over their previous name, "Randy Miller's OMIGOD! THIS BEAR IS KILLING ME!!" MEANWHILE... Acquitted murder suspect O.J. Simpson is still looking for a job, and has approached Donald Trump to be a contestant on the next installment of The Celebrity Apprentice. Naturally, NBC honchos are saying "absolutely no way, not in a million years... unless... hey, do you think Robert Blake and Charles Manson are available, too?"

THURSDAY, APRIL 24 Well, that was quick! After recently reporting that diminutive former child actor Gary Coleman was married, today the not-so-happy newlyweds have announced they will be getting divorced, and in a very classy way... on TV's Divorce Court! The AP has a transcript of the show (set to air on May 1 and 2), which is expectedly both horribly sad and awesome. Coleman's wife, Shannon Price, accused Coleman of spending too much time playing with his train set, not having any friends, and experiencing fits of (in our view, hilarious) rage. "He, like, stomps the floor and yells, 'Meehhhh,' and starts throwing stuff around," Price said, adding, "He bashes his head in the wall, too." Coleman countered, saying, "the male is always the bad guy" and that he doesn't "have any friends and [doesn't] have any intention of making any." Coleman then surprised the TV judge by donning an engineer's cap and proclaiming "WHOO! WHOO! All aboard the pity train!" before chugging out of the courtroom.

FRIDAY, APRIL 25 So. Just in case you haven't noticed, the economy isn't doing so great, with consumer confidence hitting a 26-year low and gas and food prices soaring. Don't worry, though—President Bush says we'll be fine! "It's obvious our economy is in a slowdown," he said today, carefully avoiding the words"recession," "depression,"and "PANIC!" Bush's plan, predictably enough, is to throw money at the problem, via a $152 billion economic stimulus package. Don't get us wrong—an economic stimulus check will be great and all (we've totes had our eyes on a pair of Chloé platform stilettos) but we have to ask: Does it make sense for our government to borrow money so they can give us all checks and hopefully divert a massive economic crisi—oh, crap! We just remembered we let Hubby Kip file our taxes this year. Considering last year he tried to write off no fewer than 27 lunches at Hooters as a "business expense," we should probably go check to make sure he did things right. BRB.

SATURDAY, APRIL 26 So Jennifer Anniston and John Mayer are totally doing it. Altogether now: Ewwwwww! Aniston, who used to be famous for having Brad Pitt leave her, and Mayer, who used to be famous for his terrible music, were seen canoodling in Miami today before going back to Aniston's hotel room... while holding hands. One more time: Ewwwwww! MOVING ON... So Miley Cyrus, the 15-year-old star of Hannah Montana, is now posing topless for Vanity Fair. However, now the dentally challenged pop star is furiously backpedaling from the Annie Leibovitz-shot photos. "I took part in a photo shoot that was supposed to be 'artistic,' and now, seeing the photographs and reading the story, I feel so embarrassed," Cyrus gushed to People. (Never mind reports Cyrus and her team happily approved the pics at the time they were shot.) In related news, now we know why pedophiles everywhere have been high-fiving each other and frantically filling out Vanity Fair subscription cards.

SUNDAY, APRIL 27 OMG! On Friday, May 2, Tom Cruise is totally going on Oprah again, and we cannot wait. Remember last time? With the couch-jumping and the shouting and the levitating across the room to hug the ghost of L. Ron Hubbard? (Okay, maybe that last part was a teensy bit embellished, but still!) Today Oprah spilled the beans to her studio audience, telling them that in the first part of her upcoming two-part interview with Cruise, he gave her a ride on a snowmobile at his estate in Telluride, Colorado, and that she asked him about two touchy subjects: the whole Scientology thing, and that time he freaked out on Matt Lauer! Oh, this is gonna be great! This time we're hoping he'll re-enact a scene from Battlefield Earth, or shoot lasers out of his eyes, or insist that he really does love his imprisoned child bride Katie Holmes. It could be any of those crazy, preposterous things! Who knows?! Now if you'll excuse us, we have to delete a bunch of Kip's Pussycat Dolls Present: Girlicious episodes off the TiVo so there'll be room for Tom. Eeeee!