MONDAY, MARCH 25

If you're currently age 12 or under, prepare for the worst news ever: Rapidly aging pop star Justin Bieber is being investigated for alleged battery. According to TMZ, police were called to the 19-year-old's California residence this morning following an "intense" verbal altercation with a neighbor regarding the singer's new Ferrari—which Biebs was allegedly racing up and down the street at speeds up to 100 MPH. The neighbor reportedly confronted Bieber about the "deafening" noise and the possibility of killing neighborhood children (which admittedly would be a touchy subject to explain to fans). Bieber then apparently lost his tiny mind, began screaming in the neighbor's face, and supposedly "made physical contact" with him. Okay, 12-year-olds! Now that you've heard the facts, get on your Twatter machines and declare a jihad on all his stupid neighbors, because those kids would be LUCKY to be run over by Justin who we LUV, LUV, LUV 4-EVAHHHH! <3 <3 <3

TUESDAY, MARCH 26

Today the Supreme Court began debating a matter of the highest importance: whether gays and lesbians are legally entitled to the same rights as everyone else. And while this is certainly a ridiculous discussion to be having in 2013, Charles J. Cooper, the lawyer defending California's ban on same-sex marriage (Prop 8) asserted that heterosexuals should lay sole claim to wedlock because (a) they can have children, and (b) gay marriage could cause "unknown harmful effects." [Let's pause for a moment to roll our eyes.] Justice Anthony Kennedy quickly responded, saying that while we cannot know what effects same-sex marriage will have on future generations (our prediction: "zilch"), there are tens of thousands of children of gay and lesbian couples who also deserve a voice. "They want their parents to have full recognition," he said. Justice Elena Kagan also chimed in, asking that if "child bearing" is the deciding factor in whether people are allowed to marry, then can states also prohibit marriage for couples over 55? Your honors, may we request a temporary adjournment so Mr. Cooper can apply some salve to that BURN. MEANWHILE... In far more important news, Mad Men star Jon Hamm is politely requesting that we stop obsessing over his cock. As we drooled about last week, Mad Men bosses have reportedly instructed Hamm to wear underpants in what will surely be a losing battle to restrain his well-endowed penis. Today, in an interview with Rolling Stone, Hamm responded to those of us who refuse to remove our eyes from his swimsuit area. "They're called 'privates' for a reason," he said. "I'm wearing pants, for fuck's sake. Lay off. I mean, it's not like I'm a fucking lead miner. There are harder jobs in the world. But when people feel the freedom to create Tumblr accounts about my cock, I feel like that wasn't part of the deal." Hmmmmm... oh, what? We're sorry, Jon dear. We were daydreaming about you being a lead miner. Isn't it so hot down there? You should really take off your pants.

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 27

Neighborhood Ferrari racer Justin Bieber defended his terrible reputation today, inconsolably moaning to Us magazine, "I want to be a good role model, but some people want me to fail." Oh, we're glad he brought that up, because now we have more details on that screaming match he had with a neighbor on Monday. According to TMZ, when the neighbor confronted Biebs about his early morning drag racing through the neighborhood, the star reportedly screamed "Get the fuck out of here," spit in the man's face, and ended the conversation with "I'm gonna fucking kill you!" Good role modeling, Justin! But next time, give us the news—not the weather.

THURSDAY, MARCH 28

Last week we reported that '80s folk rocker Michelle Shocked went on a homophobic tirade during her San Francisco concert, saying, among other things, "God hates fags." The internet lit up, and all her remaining concert dates were cancelled by the venues. Tonight she staged a one-woman protest outside one of the venues, Santa Cruz's Moe's Alley, where she was dressed somewhat like a mummy in hooded laboratory scrubs with a gag over her mouth that read "Silenced by fear." Refusing to speak, Shocked simply strummed her guitar and pointed at hand-written posters above her head, one of which read, "Does speech really scare you that much?" Meanwhile, conservative Prop 8 supporters silently prayed, "Please, please, please don't let the Supreme Court see her doing this!"

FRIDAY, MARCH 29

Speaking of the '80s, here's some not-so-breaking news! Turns out it was in that beautiful, horrible decade that Queen queen Freddie Mercury "smuggled Princess Diana into a gay bar disguised as a man," according to the Telegraph! "She loved it," remembers comedian Cleo Rocos, who added that Princess Di looked "like a beautiful young man." We can only imagine. Also, how is this not a sitcom yet? IN OTHER RETRO GOSSIP... According to a new book by songwriter/Rat Pack hanger-on Paul Anka, Frank Sinatra didn't care for gangbangs and Sammy Davis Jr. was bisexual. And now you have something to talk about when you call your grandmother! Welcome!

SATURDAY, MARCH 30

This weekend, G.I. Joe: Retaliation made a gazillion dollars—once again proving that jingoistic claptrap made for infantile halfwits is box office gold. What's more interesting is what star Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson said about his costar, Channing Tatum! "I love Channing. We have a great rapport and I love him. He's like a brother to me and he's great," Johnson told E! "He is, according to some, and one People magazine, the Sexiest Man Alive," Johnson continued. "And the truth is, and I can say this because I'm very comfortable in my own manhood and sexuality, he is a very sexy guy. He's a good-looking guy." Then, after pointing out that Tatum has "nice eyes," Johnson added that Tatum likes Johnson's eyes, too! "He got lost in my eyes," Johnson remembered wistfully. Awww. MEANWHILE... At a screening of his upcoming film White House Down, Tatum was asked who he thought the sexiest man on the planet was! Sadly, it wasn't the Rock... but it was someone else we approve of. "I've spent time with George Clooney, and he's the most interesting man on the planet," Tatum correctly observed. Then he said, "He can do it all." And then he said, "I guess what I'm saying is I'd have sex with him." Now, we'd never be so coarse as to suggest a threesome, but, y'know... jus—THIS JUST IN! As the hard-digging reporters at the New York Daily News remind us, Tatum has also expressed feelings for his Side Effects costar Jude Law ("I'm getting kind of sweaty thinking about it. He's a mesmerizing dude.") and his Magic Mike pal Matthew McConaughey ("Maybe I'm a guy that likes guys with accents")! Now, we'd never be so coarse as to suggest a fivesome, but, y'know... just saying.

SUNDAY, MARCH 31

John Mayer and Katy Perry—who, just a few weeks ago, were scouting locations for their wedding—are DUNZO, and Star claims to know why! "The music industry's most notorious ladies' man has hit an all-time low—dumping Katy for getting fat!" Star reports. "As soon as she put on a few pounds, he was constantly putting her down," a source depressingly adds. "She's going to make sure she looks amazing. She wants him to take her back." Ugh. Katy! You can do better. For expert analysis, we now turn to Hubby Kip—who, if his browser history is any indication, is quite a fan of Ms. Perry's. "Look, Annie, I know you're gonna get mad at me for saying this," Hubby Kip began, "but that John guy might have a poin—" And guess what else is dunzo? Somebody's career as an expert analyst! MOVING ON... The best headline on TMZ—no, the internet—no, in the world this week? "Justin Bieber's Monkey Detained in Germany." We'll leave that story to your imagination, dears. (If you need anything, we'll be over here, in our imagination! With Channing Tatum. And George Clooney. And, okay, the Rock. And Matthew McConaughey. And Jude Law.)