Oregon City: The home of white settler Dr. John McLoughlin.

West Linn: The home of white basketballer Steve Blake.

Oregon City: Their motto is urbs civitatis nostrae prima et mater (first and mothertown of our state).

West Linn: Has no motto because they are too stupid to speak Latin.

Oregon City: Home of the awesome Clackamette Skatepark.

West Linn: Home of the not-so-awesome West Linn Rollerblade-a-Rama.

Oregon City: Free trolley rides for all.

West Linn: Free mustache rides from creepy guy in Ford Taurus parked by the paper factory.

Oregon City: Been kicking ass and taking names since 1829.

West Linn: Was partially destroyed by a fire in 1861. John McLoughlin did it... from beyond the grave.

Oregon City: Over 30,000 residents, all of them hung like horses.

West Linn: You can wed your sister there, and it's totally legal.

Oregon City: Paper manufactured here goes on to become the Bible—the greatest book of all time.

West Linn: Paper manufactured here goes on to become the Mercury—Portland's fifth best sex trade newspaper.

Oregon City: They named a goddamn state after it.

West Linn: Linn is totally a girl's name.