Classes started last week—which means you're already bored out of your skull, right?

OMG, what are you going to do?!

There's only one sure way to tune out that droning teacher and ignore your idiotic classmates: PASSING NOTES. Everyone else is doing it! Check out some of the notes the Mercury found this week (just in time for our Back-to-School Issue), strewn on a few local college campuses, and one elementary school—all giving helpful advice to the incoming freshmen. ("Helpful" being open to interpretation.) Why, we even discovered a complete guide to Portland for ignorant freshmen (probably penned by a mother hen RA), and even a fold-it-yourself fortune teller to answer your most pressing questions—like, will Delta Delta Delta accept me into their sorority, and will Biff ask me to marry him if I perform a keg stand?