THANKS, OBAMA. In yet another horrifying example of how so many of our God-given freedoms have recently become forbidden, it turns out the socialist tyrants of Multnomah County Animal Services—under the guise of "protecting pets and people"—have declared it illegal to own, cohabitate with, train, pet, or play catch with some of God's finest living creations.

Here's a question, John (or, fine, "Jane") Q. Citizen of Portland, Oregon: Do you like having pets? Well, DON'T GET USED TO IT. Because if the list of "exotic" pets that we are not allowed to "harbor and/or own" is any indication, Multnomah County Animal Services will stop at nothing to strip us of our most beloved animal friends—no doubt taking them from us only to toss them into an escape-proof, semi-reliable incinerator. So familiarize yourself with the list of contraband companions below, and speak out—or else prepare to find yourself powerless and weeping when the jackbooted thugs of Multnomah County Animal Services come for you in the middle of the night to take away your dog, your cat, or your toddler.


"Any large felid from the genus Panthera  including: lion, P. leo; tiger, P. tigris; jaguar, P. onca; leopard, P. pardus; and snow leopard, Uncia uncia; as well as the puma (cougar or mountain lion), Puma concolor; clouded leopard, Neofelis nebulosa; and cheetah, Acinonyx jubatus"

Think about this for a minute: All of the animals listed above are awesome. They're just like house cats, but they actually do things other than (A) sit around and (B) be fat and (C) die of feline leukemia. Keep this in mind: If I had some of these "super cats," I would use them to improve Portland! Herds of cheetahs could pull TriMet busses, enabling them to actually run on time. Cougars could prowl the Pearl, mercy killing the doddering, silver-haired penis predators who are always trying to get all up on this. Every summer, lions and tigers could wander Waterfront Park, sweetly re-enacting the best musical scenes from The Lion King and The Jungle Book! Also they could eat the filthy "street children" that plague our downtown streets, begging for change and being carriers for feline leukemia. Sit-lie ordinance? Welcome to the sit-lion ordinance.


"Any wolf or canine except the species Canis familaris (domestic dog)"

The direwolves have saved the Stark children so many times at this point that I don't even know where to start [That was a stupid Game of Thrones reference—eds.]—but no, those Multnomah County Animal Services bastards want to make sure you can't have anything in Portland that isn't a goddamn pug. (Pugs are the same as cats, see above.) Next you're going to be telling me that if Daenerys showed up, she'd have to check her dragons at the county line, regardless of whether they can do awesome things like catch fish and cook them in mid-air! Way to think small, Multnomah County Animal Services.


"Any bear"

Yes, okay—I will grudgingly admit that bears are incredibly dangerous for a few months out of every year. But as Timothy Treadwell [Grizzly Man/Werner Herzog reference—eds.] taught us, what do they do the rest of the time? They sleep! Adorably! They get super fat and all cuddly and sweepy and then they curl up into a big round warm fuzzy ball and they sleep! Zzzz! Bears! Stop being so cute, bears! If someone wants to buy me a bear I will rent it out for cuddle parties.


"Any venomous or poisonous reptile"

[Insert obligatory joke about "Oh really? But what about my ex-girlfriends, am I right, fellas?", preferably accompanied by rim-shot sound effect.]


"Any reptile of the order Crocodilia (crocodiles, alligators and caimans), or any snake of the family Pythonidae or Boinae capable of obtaining eight feet or more in length"

Okay, this law is fine. People who own snakes are creeps.


"Any monkey, ape, gorilla, hybrid thereof, or other non-human primate"

I never thought I'd say this, but this one seems pretty fair, given all the things that happened in Rise of the Planet of the Apes. Look, Multnomah County Animal Services: I know I haven't always been your biggest supporter, and that we haven't always agreed. All the same, I'd like to take this opportunity to give you my deepest thanks for keeping us—the good citizens of Multnomah County, who would be totally boned if monkeys decided to rise up and strangle all of us—safe.



Nowhere on the above list is nature's greatest killer: the great white shark, commonly known as Carcharodon carcharias. Explain that, Multnomah County Animal Services. I'd love to hear your reasoning why it's totally legal for me to keep a great white shark in either the Willamette River or the Mt. Tabor Lower Reservoir, as I very well may have secretly done for years, yet you have done nothing to force all those goddamn hippies in SE to get rid of their goddamn novelty chickens. I'd love to hear it.