Pondering the sheer number of straight porn films on the market is truly overwhelming. That's why we only chose three.

• 18 & Nasty #40 (2004)--This is one of those porns that asks you to suspend your disbelief and buy the premise that all of the actresses are freshly legal, and that this is their first foray into the industry. The latter contention is somewhat believable, considering how low budget the film is, and how pedestrian the sex (no anal). Most of the girls are feigning enjoyment, but there's this one chick, Sunshine Rivers. She seems like she has a healthy, free-love attitude, and man! There were sparks when she fucked that guy! I swear to god, that was love.

• Anal Princess (2003)--This is a Seymore Butts production, in which he walks around his mansion filming porn stars that drop by and get it on, mostly on his living room couch. The title is somewhat misleading, because although there's plenty of anal, it's not like it's a showcase. I'm guessing the Princess is supposed to be Michaela, a beautiful blonde who takes most of the dicking and keeps on ticking. She has a really annoying voice, and she's really histrionic about demonstrating her enthusiasm for being gang-banged and what not, but no matter what position she's in, she's a consummate professional. It's hard to say if she's having fun or just cruising on auto pilot, but she's obviously been doing it long enough that she's got a stretched asshole and a peppy attitude.

• Gaper Maker 2 (2004)--What a wide, wide world this is. This film, which refers to the enormous potential of an anus to expand after some thorough dickage, features some obscenely attractive women. It's not only amazing that such creatures even exist, but that they would allow themselves to be shot soooo closely in their least attractive part. I mean, is that really hot? Taking something beautiful and punching an enormous, gross hole in it with your penis? Anyhow, the guy who made this film calls his company Zero Tolerance, because he won't "tolerate" any plastic surgery or tattoos, so we know he's a prick. And I'm pretty certain that the women who participated in this film had the foresight to ingest some painkillers before stepping into the frame, because their facial expressions were blissfully and totally vacant. MARJORIE SKINNER