I'VE BEEN JEWISH my whole life—at least until today, when I happened upon a Spotify playlist called "Hipster Hanukkah"... and now I'm an anti-Semite.

Look, I'm not the Jewiest of Jews. I became a bar mitzvah, I control the media, I know that it's "became a bar mitzvah" and not "had a bar mitzvah"—hella Jew things, them all—but I don't believe in any god, I'm not going back to synagogue unless they turn Mel Brooks into some kind of Jewish pope (Jope?), and I'm dating a girl so gentile she could have played Ivan Drago if she had a stronger jaw line. I'm way more of a "Judd Apatow" Jew than a "Read the Torah" Jew, and still, I know Hanukkah deserves better than the fucking "Hipster ______" treatment.

It's bad enough that Hanukkah* is widely considered the WNBA Christmas, now this indignity? Dayenu. Don't worry, though, bubbeleh, I'm here to provide eight Hanukkah suggestions so fun you'll feel like retreating to the hills to lead a rebel army into battle against the superior numbers of the Seleucid Empire!


• Buy enough hash oil for one night, see if you can stretch it out over all eight nights. By the way, any amount of hash oil is enough for eight nights. Whenever I smoke it, I cough for so long that I start to pop and lock to the steady beat of my lung's own Maccabean Revolt.

• Make a bouillabaisse, listen to "B-Boy Bouillabaisse." Pour some soup out for MCA.

• Make a little dreidel out of clay! Haha, just kidding, you're an adult. Instead, get some friends together and make a golem out of clay! The more it looks like Benicio Del Toro, the more likely it is to come to life! Here's a fun song: "I have a little golem/I made it out of clay/and when it's dry and ready/all you goyim pay."

• Latkes. Sour cream. Sriracha.

Fiddler on the Roof-based sexual roleplaying! Tevye on Golde! Tzeitel on Yente! Lazar Wolf on that Russian constable guy! Of course, it's no shame to fuck with Manischewitz-dick, but it's no great boner, either.

• Go to a grocery store, find the most helpful person you can, start asking for actual Hanukkah items (gelt, matzot) and then start making up fake, Jewish-sounding stuff (shpoipel, Neil Sedaka). See how long until they call you on your bullshit.

• I don't know how stoned you guys need to get to enjoy gefilte fish... but get there.

• Get some dim sum. Just because Hanukkah doesn't coincide with Christmas this year doesn't mean you can't celebrate that sacred tradition of getting some spareribs and shrugging at your swarthy loved ones.


*If you want to get on my case about which of the 613 possible ways I chose to spell "Hanukkah," gai kukken afen yam.