LET'S BE REAL, ladies: As we get older, it gets more and more important to maintain the plumbing. We trim the foliage and sculpt the topiary, but if the sprinkler system ain't working, it's only a matter of time until your well-groomed lawn turns into a stinking, fetid swamp.

But what most women don't realize is that even more than finding a good gynecologist, it's important to find a good gynecological assistant. These gatekeepers of the 'gine are the ones who keep the examination table clean, who decide whether the stirrups are lined with sheepskin or boiled leather, who palpitate your labia in order to prep you for exam. In other words: A good gynecologist's assistant makes the difference between a good vag-plumbing experience and a great one.

Our cervixes are bloody and raw from testing out more than 600 Portland gynecologists, but the bloody urine and agonizing pain during intercourse paid off: We've put together a list of Portland's 82 best gynecological assistants.

1. Sage at Yoni Temple—A popular assistant at the Yoni Temple in Southwest Portland, dexterous Sage provides tension-releasing massage while avoiding awkward eye contact.

2. Trisha at Franklin—Who feels comfortable in a crinkly blue hospital gown? Thoughtful Trisha provides raw silk robes in a variety of colors, hand chosen to complement your hair "down there."

3. Genie at Angie's In and Out—Unlike the Chatty Cathys at other offices, Genie doesn't try to make small talk while knuckle-deep in your cooze.

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