The Mercury editorial brass couldn't have been prouder: I was the first music intern in the paper's history to score an exclusive interview with Lil Wayne. Alas, it was not to be; Weezy's people cancelled at the last minute. Panicking, I turned to comedian Eugene Mirman—who's in town on Thursday, April 2, for the Cabinet of Wonders tour (see My, What a Busy Week!). Ever the professional, Mirman answered the questions originally intended for Lil Wayne. Thanks, Eugene, you saved my coffee-shlepping ass.

MERCURY: Do I call you Wayne, Weezy, Lil... something else?

EUGENE MIRMAN: That's a good question. Call me the Little Master.

What does it mean when you say, "I'm a gangster?"

It means that I don't play by the rules. But they're not the ones that you're thinking. I just mean I'll act weird at parties—I don't do what you would expect. When I say, "I'm a gangster," I mean I'm full of surprises.

You have a lot of tattoos on your face. Can you maybe take me on a journey around your face? 

Honestly, I forget what a lot of the tattoos are. But in my defense, I'm not in front of a mirror. A lot of it I did when I was sleepy or just about to go to sleep, so I don't really remember what's on there.

Tell me about this drink you like called Syrup? 

Oh, it helps me see the future.

You also reportedly like your weed.

Yeah, yeah. I love my weed. It makes me sort of tingle and giggle. And then I'll be like, "What am I laughing at?" Then I'll have more Syrup.

After being busted two times in three years, you've never thought, "Gee, I should ease up on the weed?"

Well, I'm full of surprises.

You have a 10-year-old child. Do you ever worry that you're setting a bad example for the kids?

No, but I'll say this: Always keep a leash on your dick.

Do you think you will ever settle down with one woman?

If she has three heads, yes. If not, no.

Read the Mercury's interview with Eugene Mirman in which he answers questions intended for Eugene Mirman on Thursday, April 2, on and