This Week's Question: Are You Looking Forward to Star Wars: The Force Awakens?
"I got my tickets weeks ago! I hope there'll be Ewoks in this one!" —Krissy Kershner, 22, Portland
Here's a fun fact about Ewoks, fuckwit: Those inbreeding, dead-eyed rat-midgets tried to fucking EAT Han Solo and Luke Skywalker and Chewbacca! Ewoks are shitty little conniving monsters, you imbecile, and if there was ever any justification for the Galactic Empire's ruthless campaign of slavery and genocide, it was to wipe out those sentient piles of pubes! The only reason Ewoks should be in The Force Awakens is so Kylo Ren can use his awesome tri-bladed lightsaber on them! VEE-OOM! VEE-OOM! Hahaha! The only thing sweeter than watching that would be watching the tears run down your stupid fucking face.
"I'm going opening night! That cute new robot who rolls around is already my favorite! What's its name? BB-8?" —Grant Kurtz, 24, Vancouver
Excuse me? What was that you said? Did you actually just say "robot"? You... fucking... imbecile! As even a wall-eyed, water-brained infant could have told you, the canonically correct way to refer to BB-8 is as a "droid," and if you think BB-8—a heroic, brave, and spirited droid who will help shape the fate of the ENTIRE MOTHERFUCKING GALAXY—is merely "cute," then you're a bigger shit-for-brains than Jar Jar Binks! Here's an idea, fuckface: If you like "cute robots" so goddamn much, stay home, tear up your ticket to The Force Awakens, and stick your dick in your Roomba.
"Actually, I've already seen it! Ha! Enjoy the movie, Frank... and 'May the Force be with you!'" —J. J. Abrams, 49, Hollywood
Oooooooh! Look who decided to beam down from the piece-of-shit Enterprise and plunk his ass into the captain's chair of the Millennium Falcon! Those of us who've been waiting motherfucking decades for this movie are sooooo glad to have you here, you jackass! Just like we're sooooo glad that after making a goddamn travesty out of Star Trek, you've shoved George Lucas aside so you can squeeze another nerd turd onto a whole other beloved science-fiction universe! If you fuck this up, I vow by all that the Jedi Council stood for that I will destroy you, you inept imbecile. Live long and fuck... you.