HI. I'm Francine Colman-Gutierrez. You are wrong about the following things:

Eggnog: You're wrong. It's gross.

Mariah Carey's "All I Want for Christmas Is You" is the best holiday song: Wrong. It's "Jingle Bell Rock" as sung by the cast of Mean Girls.

Hipster Santa: I'll allow it. (Why should Santa have to conform to your outdated stereotypes?)

Christmas cards: Wrong. No one wants to open their mailbox and see your face.

Ugly Sweaters: You were wrong then, you are wrong now.

"Jack Frost Nipping at Your Nose": Jack Frost better get the fuck away from my nose.

Spending time with family during the holidays: In what universe is this not a wrong idea?

Chanukah: Wrong. It's spelled "Hanukkah," old-timer.

Advent calendars: Please. You don't even know what an "advent" is.

Candles for gifts: I love this idea.

Baby Jesus: Meh. I've seen cuter virgin births.

It's a Wonderful Life is the best Christmas movie: Sure, if you've never seen Die Hard.

Die Hard is the best Christmas movie: Ugh, please. Now you're just being fashionably ignorant.

Candy canes: Stale.

Gift cards: Lazy.

Peacock Lane: This was a good use of someone's time and energy.

White Christmas: Check your privilege, honky.

Ice skating: You're wrong, because you suck at ice skating, and you know it.

Jim Carrey's How the Grinch Stole Christmas: It's actually really good.

Kissing underneath the mistletoe: Wrong, unless it's with your boss, or someone else's husband.

Bars that close on Christmas: Ohhhh, so wrong.

Atheists: Christmas rules, atheists drool.