by Francine Colman-Gutierrez

HI. I'm Francine Colman-Gutierrez. Here are some Valentine's Day things that you are wrong about.

Buying her chocolate: You're wrong about that—unless she specifically asked for diabetes.

Buying her flowers: Thanks for the dead plants, boyfriend.

Buying her lingerie: That's gross.

Buying her sex toys: Does she buy you power tools?

Writing her a love song: Ugh. Just please don't.

Writing her poetry: NEVER NEVER NEVER OKAY.

Taking her out for a fancy dinner: That's wrong. On second thought, I could eat.

Buying her anything: Just wash your crotch and try being nicer.

Giving valentines to family members: What are you doing? That's fucking sick, you sick fuck.

Saying your cat is your valentine: The feeling is NOT mutual.

Wearing valentine sweaters: Wrong. You look like a sad, lonely idiot.

Buying him sexy underpants: Whooo! Whooo! Here comes the Emasculation Train! Allll abooooaarrrd!

Writing different kinds of kisses (peck, passionate, on the cheek, etc.) on pieces of paper, putting them in a bag, and giving the kind of kiss they chose: OH VOMIT.

Making a romantic candlelit dinner for two at home, followed by a sensual massage, and a romantic movie: OH VOMIT!

Putting lipstick kisses on the bathroom mirror: Blecchh! There's toothpaste spit and fecal matter on there!

Leaving a trail of red foil-wrapped Hershey's Kisses all the way to the bedroom: Seriously. Fucking stop it.

Sending a card postmarked from a town with a romantic name, like Loveland, Colorado, or Valentine, Texas: What?!? That doesn't even make any sense!

Learning exciting new Kama Sutra moves: Or, you know, you could just figure out how to give a decent blowjob.

Renewing your vows: Maybe you should have just meant them the first time.