OUIJA If you think this is bad, you don't even want to know what's coming.

FROM THE SAME PEOPLE who brought you the Transformers and G.I. Joe franchises comes Ouija, a new entry into the toys-as-cinema genre. There were predecessors, like the extraterrestrial armada of Battleship (YOU SUNK MY BATTLESHIP), the sleuthing vagaries of Clue (WHO KILLED MR. BODY?), and the tornado-swirling bovines of Twister (GET YOUR HOOVES ON THE BLUE DOTS, STUPID COWS)! And now, to continue that fine tradition of board game spectaculars, Hasbro offers up Ouija: No longer just a game for stupid children, now it's also a film where teenagers drop the word "planchette" with casual ease.

In Ouija you will be jump scared approximately 10 times. Actually, let's fact check that number with the old Hasbro spirit board: "Spirits near, I call to you! If you can hear me, can you tell me how many times Ouija made you soil your sheets in fright? Spirits? Hello..."

"Yeah, over here by the built-in banquette. Hi. Yeah, me and the ghost crew were talking and we think Ouija has eight pretty decent gotchas. My friend, Manon, the old toilet spirit, only gives it five. But he's a real grumpus who doesn't get out much. The rest of us are firm with eight. Although really, it's a pretty dumb movie. I mean, c'mon, what teenager knows the word 'planchette'? Anyhoozit... you wanna play 'light as a feather, stiff as a Ouija board'? Hahahahahaha. Old spirit joke!"

Sheesh. Give me back the reins for the plot points. Laine (Olivia Cooke) is bummed out after the apparent suicide of her best friend Deb (Shelley Hennig), who, unbeknownst to Laine, had been mucking around with a Ouija board in her free time at her spooky old house. And thanks to millennials' ostensible narcissistic fondness for selfies and videos, Laine susses out that Deb's death wasn't so much self-inflicted as ghost-inflicted—because she fucked with the wrong Ouija board! A series of Final Destination-esque friend-deaths later, Laine and her sister get down to the brass tacks of ghost busting, whilst surrounded by some pretty terrible acting. Oh, and jump scares.

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Close this review out, spirit board!

"D.E.F.I.N.I.T.E.L.Y. S. I. L. L. Y. W.A.I.T. F.O.R. A. M.A.G.I.C. E.I.G.H.T. B.A.L.L. A.D.A.P.T.I.O.N. G.O.O.D.B.Y.E."

SLAY Film Fest
In person at the Clinton St. Theater 10/29 & 10/30