If you're a loser like me who spends Saturday afternoons watching Unexplained Mysteries (a rather redundant and poorly worded title if you ask me), you're already well versed in the mystery of "Spontaneous Human Combustion." This fatal anomaly occurs when a person burns spontaneously from the inside out; appearing afterward like a grey, burnt Duraflame plopped in the middle of the living room floor. Frighteningly, sometimes their head, legs, or hands remain intact, but the rest of their body has dissolved into ashy cinders leaving a giant mess, but with little damage to surrounding furniture, carpet, or wood flooring. A frightening and confounding occurrence no doubt, and like Mad Cow Disease, something you should start worrying about immediately—especially if you drink alcohol.

Just like every other stupid disease or affliction, boozers are MUCH, MUCH more susceptible to Spontaneous Human Combustion. Example: According to www.alternativescience.com, in South London, during an early morning in 1967, a bright light emanating from an abandoned house alerts pedestrian commuters that something is awry. Quickly, the curious do-gooders call emergency services, and quicker still, the Lambeth Fire Brigade arrives on the scene led by Brigade Commander John Stacey. He and his crew enter the house, unsure of what to expect.

What they found was beyond the realm of their imagination: a man with a flame emanating from his stomach! It seems local homeless boozehound Robert Bailey had sought shelter in the house after a long night of drinking himself silly. According to Commander Stacey, "When we entered the building, he was lying on the bottom of the stairs, half turned on his left side and his knees were drawn up as though he was trying to bend the pain from his stomach. There was about a four-inch slit in his stomach and the flame was emanating from that four-inch slit like a blowtorch. It was a blue flame." Bailey had to be extinguished and died of what were labeled "unknown causes."

Likewise in April of 1744, 60-year-old Grace Pett—a known alcoholic—was found on the floor by her daughter, completely incinerated, while nearby clothing was left undamaged.

While few other accounts of alcoholics falling victim to Spontaneous Human Combustion exist, it still seems like something you should be worrying about. You know, like alien abduction, demonic possession, being attacked by a rotweiler, 200-pound tumors, and multiple personality disorder. So either stop drinking, or start carrying around a fire extinguisher.