"THE BEST PRODUCT always wins!" chirps Reese Witherspoon at the beginning of This Means War, because this is a movie that doesn't try very hard to hide the fact that it's built upon a steaming garbage pile of cynicism and status pandering.

Tom Hardy and Chris Pine are super-spy best friends whose super-spy job involves suitcases full of money, helicopters, and shooting men with sinister accents. Oh, and also they might be brothers? Even though one of them is British? It's a little unclear. Anyway, they both fall in love with the single most fuckable woman in all of Los Angeles: Reese Witherspoon! Go ahead, take a minute to suspend as much belief as you need to in order to imagine Reese Witherspoon in that capacity. I'll wait.

[Time-lapse montage of desert winds stripping the flesh from the body of a camel.]

So Fuckable Spy Duo Chris Pine and Tom Hardy spend a lot of time using sophisticated spy technology to stalk Reese Witherspoon, while Reese Witherspoon listens earnestly to the horrible advice doled out by her salty best friend, Chelsea Handler. (Is there a worse archetype in all of cinema than "Salty Best Friend"? I see you standing there, "White Teacher Who Changes the Lives of Inner-City Black Students," and no, there is not.) Tom takes Reese trapezing in an empty circus tent because Whimsy and Letting Go. Chris pretends to like children and dogs. Tom makes fun of Chris' small penis, and Chris is all like, "Yo dude, you've seen my penis! You know it ain't no Mike and Ike." (Note: This actually happens.) Reese smiles very, very tightly.

The role of Reese Witherspoon is played by a blonde wig and a set of chattering wind-up teeth. The role of Chris Pine is played by an anatomically correct Ken doll (batkatcreations.com/maledolls.html). The role of Tom Hardy is played by a corporeal manifestation of the combined masturbatory fantasies of closeted British rugby fans and middle-aged American women who secretly worry they've never had a really good orgasm. The role of Chelsea Handler is played by the sound of the Emergency Broadcast System.

Most of This Means War rests on the very-thinly-veiled-like-not-even-a-little-bit-veiled-at-all premise that it would be really, really awesome to see Chris Pine and Tom Hardy make out—as such, there are a few winky moments that're clearly designed to make ladies strategically wriggle in their theater seats. In the end, though (SPOILER), Reese clatters over and bites off Chris' Mike and Ike, and whatever happens between Chris and Tom on their super secret spy missions stays between Chris and Tom. And that, my friends, is too bad.