13.7 Billion Years Ago—Steven Seagal roundhouse kicks some super-dense matter; causes Big Bang

65 Million Years Ago—Steven Seagal, claiming to be "sick of their bullshit," kills all dinosaurs, one by one

2580 B.C.—Bored one afternoon, Steven Seagal builds the pyramids

776 B.C.—Steven Seagal invents Olympic Games and is sole competitor—wins gold in everything except curling, wins silver

500 B.C.—Steven Seagal enlightens Siddhartha

470-399 B.C.—Steven Seagal spreads his philosophical writings, using the pseudonym "Socrates." On a related note, hemlock only makes Seagal stronger

36—Steven Seagal crucifies Jesus, then brings him back to life

610—Steven Seagal and Muhammad "brainstorm," create Islam

1368—Bored once more, Steven Seagal builds Great Wall of China

1416—Steven Seagal invents the sonnet; 200 years later, kills "that hack" Shakespeare

1865—Steven Seagal assassinates Abraham Lincoln, frames John Wilkes Booth. Why? John Wilkes Booth talks the talk; Steven Seagal walks the walk

1920—Steven Seagal creates Negro Baseball League

1945—Steven Seagal destroys Hiroshima after being served egg foo yung instead of pot stickers at local delicatessen

1969—Steven Seagal jumps to the moon, proclaiming it "one small step for Steven Seagal"—which it is

1984—Steven Seagal creates popular television series Miami Vice

1996—Steven Seagal creates popular television series Nash Bridges

2028—Steven Seagal makes contact with peaceful alien life

2028 ½ —Steven Seagal ruthlessly destroys all alien life

2047—Earth is renamed "Steven Seagal"; peace reigns for 7,000 years

9047—Steven Seagal makes Under Siege 3: Even Darker Territory