Illustration by Susie Ghahremani

FOR TWO YEARS, we've brought you the highlights from Mayor Sam Adams' public-input voicemail box. This is the last batch. Say farewell, Sam, to a life of fluoride wars and being called a Nazi. And Charlie? They're all yours now.

Summarized, paraphrased voicemails are in brackets. All others are verbatim, but are edited and condensed.

August 22, Rosemary: [Rosemary says that for the last few days, the corner of NW 10th and Johnson has been turned into a speedway. There are some undesirable young people who glare at her. There are a bunch of old long-haired, gray-haired hippies on motorcycles there. This is not appropriate for the Pearl.]

August 22, unidentified male: [The people of Portland do not want your toxic fluoride in our water. This is our city. This is not your dictatorship. The Nazis used fluoride to make the Jews docile in the concentration camps. It destroys brains. Sam is a sellout to the corporate monsters.]

August 24, Allen: [Allen is calling to express extreme concern about fluoridating the water. Mental health is way more important than dental health. He is not some Occupy person. He is a marketing director for a huge high-tech firm in the area.]

August 24, unidentified male: Fuckin' fluoride, FLUORIDE??!! I hope karma gets you whacked by a bus next time you go outside.  

August 29, unidentified female: Yeah, I'm calling about the garbage again. We tried it for a week: putting all our scrap crap in with the yard debris. It still didn't matter. We just have too much garbage. And, also, I know that you're not running for reelection, so you could probably give a rat's ass, but, PLEASE, do not put fluoride in our water.

September 11, James: [James needs surgery to remove a lamprey from his intestines. He doesn't like the idea of having a lamprey in his intestines. The mayor had better know that, when James dies, he is going to have the coroner cut the lamprey out of him, have him deep fry it, and make the mayor eat every inch of it. He wants his $2.75 fuckin' million today by 5 pm. He'll settle for half.]

September 12, Crowley: [He wants the mayor to vote 'no' on fluoridation of the water. If people have bad teeth, it's nature's way of weeding out the weak.]

September 25, unidentified female: I just want to support your position regarding the Frashour reinstatement. [Adams protested the reinstatement of Ron Frashour, the officer fired for killing Aaron Campbell in 2010.—Eds.] I've retired from the military, and in the military we can't just shoot people in the back. Well, maybe some of that has happened, but it's not appropriate. So, I really support you. Spend every blessed dime you have to, and when you're finished, you can send the police union a bill.

September 25, Norman: [Norman is effusive in his praise of Mayor Adams' gumption in fighting hypocrisy. The mayor serves Jesus burgers.]

October 5, unidentified female: Hi. You know how they have the grand jury? Well, you could make it easier—you could just get a rubber stamp that says, "The police did nothing wrong."

October 5, John: Yeah. I wanted to figure out if the city has any intention of improving the roadways. Then again, nobody works anymore, because the government ruined all the businesses. Keep up the good work; keep taxing everybody, and pretty soon you'll be the only ones left. We'll call it communism. Bye.

October 9, Peggy: I wanted to call in and ask or suggest that the mayor consider a last-minute write-in campaign. Um, anyway, thanks a lot.

October 9, Pam: I have never called this before. I'm calling about the plastic and paper bag ban. I already go to Gresham to do my grocery shopping, and I'll take the rest of my shopping to Gresham and Clackamas. It's amazing that it has gotten to the point where I have to leave an opinion on an answering machine.

October 10, unidentified female: Mayor Adams: I am so sick of your harebrained ideas, it's ridiculous. First, you got rid of plastic bags, which in Oregon is a joke because it rains a lot. Now, you want to take paper bags away. Why don't you just take YOURSELF away?! I'm selling my house and I'm moving across the river. So, Mayor Adams, adios, buddy, adios. I'm getting out of here. The hypocrisy just reeks, and so do you, sir. And I don't care about New Seasons and any of those people—I'm DONE. Take yourself and go jump in the Willamette. That's how I feel. Quite frankly, that's where you belong: in the sludge. Because you're not doing us any favors at all! You are SUCH an IDIOT!

October 11, Kevin: I hope you folks don't put fluoride into the municipal water supply. You will be poisoning the population. Fluoride is a highly toxic chemical. There's a moon base, named Project Horizon. It's been on the moon since 1959. There's a teleportation project that's going to be replacing air travel. I was trying to sleep out there at Portland Airport in the chairs there, and your police officers kept asking me to leave.

October 15, Glenn: Reintroduce the plastic bags. They're what most people want. Go after litterers and don't interfere with people's choice. This is America, after all.

October 15, Dan: There are rats all over Southeast, Southwest, Northeast. People need their garbage picked up EVERY week.

October 17, Brenda: I want to call with my concern with the East County. It's all over the city, actually: the graffiti, the gang stuff all the way up Burnside. It's just horrid. Not only that, but the cars in front yards, garbage thrown in front yards, couches. I don't think the taxpayers should have to call and report this. In the Pearl District, this stuff would not be going on. People are moving OUT of the neighborhoods, it's so bad. Please, I'd like more attention to what's going on other than bottle bills, plastic bottles, and plastic sacks.

October 29, unidentified male: How many more streets are we going to make into one-lane streets since the bicycles are around? I don't see bicycles delivering refrigerators and stuff like that. [NE] Multnomah has been destroyed by your Department of Whatever by the bicycles. Come on. Get out of office and let things go back to normal.

October 29, CT: [The CIA has a neat way of robbing banks. They use their computer program to transfer funds from CT's account to someone else's account. CT heard about this through the walls from the people upstairs. They get their money from Communist China. The FBI doesn't know how to stop it anymore than CT does. He thinks the mayor should make a coordinated effort with his brains and CT's creativity to get all that money back.] [Two other calls about the same issue followed]

October 31, Todd: I just wanted to let you know that my "Sam can" ended up in the pool, because it got infested with ants after just one night, because it didn't, you know, get picked up. Hopefully you'll move to Amsterdam and ride a bike for the rest of your life. Thanks for nothing!

November 1, unidentified female: I would like to suggest to you that you go over to the Lloyd Center and drive up and down [NE] Multnomah. That always was an absolutely lovely street. Traffic flowed lovely on it—two lanes each way. NOW, it is UNBELIEVABLE! What in the HELL did they do to that street? And, I've read about their new foofy ideas. It didn't need bike lanes. UNBELIEVABLE! UNBELIEVABLE! I just can't begin to tell you what an absolutely unbelievably asinine idea it was to screw up Multnomah! Are you people, like, out of your mind? How much more can you screw up this city?

November 6, unidentified male: Yes, good morning. I was at the anti-austerity rally at Holladay Park, and I don't understand the reaction of the Portland Police Bureau, and I don't understand the part about high school students being pepper sprayed, which, in my estimation, is nothing more than a chemical weapon. I think that the Portland Police Bureau has sunk to an all-time low. Ta-ta!

November 15, unidentified male: This evening I went to the Rite Aid downtown. I stopped at Pioneer Square to relax; it's a nice mild evening. Within 30 seconds, two idiots came up, invaded my privacy, disrespected me, and demanded spare change from me. Other cities have ordinances keeping these human cockroaches and leeches away from decent, hard-working people. 

November 15, unidentified female: Hi there, mayor and everybody else down there in Happy Land. I don't like the idea of Hayden Island. I don't think you should do nothin' to it. I don't think there should be any industry on it. My only suggestion here is—since you guys are the smart ones, right?—just build a NEW island!

November 16, John: You know, I just feel like—you know, I grew up here—born here in 1951, and, Portland is turning into exactly what I thought it would, you know, with people coming here from all over, leaving places where they were totally set up, because they didn't like what was going on and what it was costing them. I feel like there's an effort to push everybody out of Multnomah County who isn't a millionaire. I mean, this is crazy: a $400 water bill, you know, $200-300 a month for heat. I mean, with everything that passed in the elections, it looks like I'm into another freaking $1,500 on top of what I already do. I'm a disabled veteran; I can't keep pace with this. Anyway, I'm probably wasting my time. Bye.