Illustration by Martha Rich

"SO I HIT IT with that dude I told you about—man, what a shitshow. I shoulda kept that kitty in the bag. Possibly I should have drowned that kitty in the bathtub. I have never been so aggressively mouth-breathed on in my life. It was like a George Michael video or something. And the tongue! OMG, it was like a violently nesting eel. For a minute I thought he was actually trying to clean my teeth. I had to wipe the slobber off with my sleeve at one point.

"I probably should have cut it off right then, but I have to admit I was curious about what that tongue would do when it wasn't licking all the mineral foundation off my cheek. But I guess I'll never know, because after having pushed my head down—right?! Why the fuck would anyone assume that is okay?—while I very generously went down on him, instead of returning the favor he proceeded to go straight for insertion, trying—and failing—several times. I was like, 'Dude, that's too far back. No, that's too far—nope. Oh there ya—whoops, fell out.' I had to guide him in with my hands like a goddamn child. I mean... you know what I mean.

"So at this point things had gone on long enough that I was starting to worry about getting enough sleep. It was like, 'Yo, buster, I have a job to wake up for tomorrow, you know!' So I just did that aggressively thrusting hate-fuck thing that makes them think you're really into it and it makes them come really fast. They always fall for that. The funniest part was when he asked me if I came. I practically laughed myself to sleep."