Leviticus 18-19

THE LORD LAYS DOWN THE RULES! No sleeping with family members (including grandkids and in-laws, people!), no tattoos, no sex with women on their periods, no turning your daughter into a prostitute, no boning other guys' slave girls, no tripping the blind, no sex with animals, no sex with neighbors' wives, no lying with men as one does with a woman, no sacrificing your kids to Molech! Okay?

Song of Solomon

This is the money shot of the Bible: a conversation between the "dark but lovely" King Solomon (whose "mouth is more delightful than wine") and the lover he invites into his bedroom. It's heavy on the food porn: "Like the finest apple tree in the orchard is my lover among other young men. I sit in his delightful shade and taste his delicious fruit." It also includes perhaps the only erotic demand for raisin cakes in the history of man. As the song moves along, the king embraces his lover but the pair takes it hot and slow: "Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires." Finally, the "fig tree forms its early fruit, the blossoming vines spread their fragrance." Then the lover's "dove in the clefts of the rock" shows its face and "my beloved is mine, and I am his: he feedeth among the lilies." In a later passage, King Solomon appears in his purple-upholstered carriage, escorted by 60 men, and praises his hot lover: Her hair reminds him of goats! Her teeth are like sheep, freshly shorn! Her thighs shelter a paradise of spicy pomegranates! Eat up!

Ezekiel 23

Two sisters, Oholah and Oholibah, became young prostitutes, letting Egyptians caress their virgin bosoms before Oholah moves on to bone the choicest men of Assyria (all of them "handsome mounted horsemen clad in purple"). Finally, in a totally unsexy tale of domestic violence masked as God's vengance, the hot Assyrians strip Oholah naked and run her through with a sword. Oholibah, bless her ancient clitoris, is undeterred. She, too, lusts after "drunkards from the wilderness" and "warriors clothed in full armor" until she dispatches a messenger to bring her some Bablyonian babes. When the men appear in the flesh, she makes love to them all, turns them all out of her bed, and continues to wander the land lusting after lovers whose "genitals were as large as a donkeys' and emissions like those of a horse." Of course, no Bible story can end with a lusty lady getting what she wants, so the Lord "aroused her lovers against her," combining literally every man she had slept with into one nightmare horror army who committed terribly unerotic atrocities against her.

Genesis 19

Okay, so two studly angels stroll into Sodom one day, sleeping over at Lot's house, and when the men of the town get a glimpse of their bodies they bang on Lot's door, "Where are the men who came to you tonight? Bring them out to us so that we can have sex with them." Not exactly subtle. This passage is the genesis of gangbang porn, because how does Lot reply? NO, the mob can have his two virginal daughters instead. "Let me bring them out to you, and you can do what you like with them," says Lot. Before anyone can get it on with anyone, God destroys the entire town and Lot and his daughters barely make it out alive. They are then forced to live in a sexy, sexy mountain cave where apparently the sisters get worried they will never have sex again. Thus, they get their father crunk on wine and both sleep with him and bear blessed, inbred children. Amen.