You've undoubtedly heard the phrase "War is bad for children and other living things." But they certainly didn't mean war TOYS! They're the coolest! Besides, we don't call it "war" anymore; the new hip verbiage around the Pentagon is "liberation exercises" or my favorite, "peace keeping missions." And if your little diaper-dumper is going to learn how to "keep the peace," he or she had better start training NOW with these terrific peace keeping toys. The future of our version of democracy depends on it!

World Peace Keepers Battle Station

Sure, "world peace keepers" and "battle station" may seem to be a contradiction in terms--but Saddam Hussein isn't going to be deposed by a bunch of faggy lefties carrying flowers! This badass play set comes complete with protective sandbags, field radio, M-16 rifle, machine guns, ammo, hand grenades, mortar launcher, landmine detector, a "peace keeping" cannon, and a poseable, 12-inch soldier. When you squeeze his stomach, you can smell the blood of tyrants on his breath.

World Peace Keepers Battle Station, $24.99, available at J.C. Penney

Forward Command Post

As you may already know, "Forward Command Post" is Pentagon lingo for "Blowing the shit out of someone's house, killing everyone inside, and then using it as a command center for the invading troops." This super-realistic representation of a "Forward Command Post" brilliantly captures the aftermath of a down 'n' dirty firefight between (presumably) Iraqi homeowners and conquering American peacekeepers. Comes complete with destroyed walls, shattered windows, bullet holes, bloodstains, overturned tables and chairs, empty barrels of gasoline, and a brand new American flag. Corpses of Iraqi women, children, and dogs sold separately.

Forward Command Post, $44.99, available at J.C. Penney

Bazooka and Walkie-Talkie Set

Omigod. Look at this kid. He's adorable. And he's brave, too! Especially when he's strutting around the neighborhood with this 30" steel cock in his hands. Yeah, he's tired of all the shit he gets from Jimmy Barrister down the street. Hiding behind the Barristers' Suburban, our young hero whispers, "Zero Company, this is Delta Five. I'm making my move!" into his walkie-talkie headset, which carries a range of 250 to 300 feet. When our little hero kicks open the front door, Jimmy Barrister, who is sitting at the breakfast table, recoils in horror, spitting out his Froot Loops. Our hero then swings the bazooka to his shoulder, lines up the sights on his target, and as he slowly squeezes the trigger, utters the last words Jimmy Barrister will ever hear: "Eat my fuck, bitch." Ages 5 and up.

Bazooka and Walkie Talkie Set, $24.99, available at J. C. Penny

Peace Keeper Tank Ride-On

Let's face facts, shall we? We're not stopping with Iraq. As many lefties correctly note, our real enemy is Saudi Arabia. And to cross the border into Saudi Arabia, we need... what? TANKS. And let me tell you, driving a tank isn't like stealing your mom's PT Cruiser for a spin around the mall. You need training. That's why your toddler should be practicing in the sandbox with his Peace Keeper Ride-On Tank. This sweet piece of ass comes with realistic tank sounds, a telescopic tank gun, and the rat-a-tat-tat of bullets puncturing the lungs of our nation's enemies.

Peace Keeper "Tank" Ride-On, $149.99, available at KB Toys