Never Back Down tells the story of a good-looking teenager from the wrong side of the tracks and his single mother, who move to a new town filled with wealthy shitsticks who want to fight him via non-sanctioned combat that may or may not take place in a basement owned by Tyler Durden.

Shitstick pack leader—I'm going to call him "Johnny"—is dating a pretty blonde girl, maybe named "Ali." Our hero, "Daniel-san," has a big ol' crush on Ali, and after getting his ass handed to him by Johnny, Daniel-san learns the secrets of chop socky from a mysterious and lonely guru with an accent. Twelve thousand montages later, the audience learns Daniel-san is the best around and nothing's ever gonna keep him down! Also, Never Back Down made me:

1. Want to set the theater on fire.

2. Wax on and wax off.

3. Take the movie into a dark alley and smother it in the face with a pillow stuffed with broken glass.

4. Sad for the guy from Blood Diamond. He deserves better than this.

5. Angry at kids today. Then I put my dentures back in.

6. Think that I could probably, if pressed, catch a fly with chopsticks.

7. Remember the first rule of Fight Club is that you do not talk about Fight Club.

8. Ready to learn mixed martial arts so bad I could taste it.

Never Back Down might be a terrible rip-off of a movie, but the fighting, at least, is MAJOR. I kind of want to hit myself in the face with a hammer for saying this, but paying money to see it would not be the worst thing that ever happened to a person.