A NOTE FROM THE SCIENTIFIC COMMUNITY

Dear Reader,

This entire issue of the Portland Mercury is a sham.

"Eat your vegetables"? Please. In those three words, the Mercury Editorial Board has demonstrated not only a fundamental lack of understanding of the English language, but a flagrant and disturbing disregard for the laws of basic science.

Here follows pages upon pages of fibblery about vegetables—where to find them, how to grow them, what to do with them. But the majority of "vegetables" discussed herein are not vegetables at all. They are fruits.

Don't take my word for it—take science's. All botanists agree that the pronounced difference between fruits and vegetables is clear cut and unmistakable. The definition of a fruit is exactly that: the fruit that is borne by the flowering portion of a plant. If that's too confusing for you, fruits contain seeds. See? Easy.

Vegetables, on the other hand, are all the other parts of a plant: the root, the leaf, the bud, the stem. You'd have to be an idiot not to understand the difference.

But alas, the Portland Mercury has made countless critical errors in this poorly named "vegetable" issue, rendering all their supposed expertise entirely invalid. (This should come as no surprise to the greater Portland reading public.) So, FOR YOUR EDIFICATION, the following "vegetables" discussed in this pitiful compost-pile of an issue are, in fact, fruits.

Tomatoes
Cucumbers
Peppers
Squash
Peas
Avocados
Corn
Pumpkins
Beans
Eggplants
Okra
Watermelon
Chili peppers
Road apples
Tomatillos
Chayotes
Devil's sagebrush
Fluoride
Umbrian pawpaw
Heracleum mategazzianum
Zucchini
Rip Taylor
Shakira (unconfirmed)

Please make a note of it.

Sincerely,

Herman Mango
President/Undersecretary/Treasurer
Roots, Stems, and Leaves Advisory Board (R-SLAB)