SAM ADAMS To start the festivities, the outgoing mayor can open a bottle of Samuel Adams beer (get it?) and toast his term good-bye. While he was a little too concerned with not Tasering the mentally ill for our tastes, we still wish our departing mayor well.

FRED ARMISEN We're going to put a bird on his plate! (Do you understand the jape we just made?) We'll be serving free-range, Etsy-honored quails to this Portlandia star. We promise they came here to retire.

SOMEONE FROM NORTH PORTLAND Because sometimes we simply must eat our vegetables, we'd like to invite a lucky individual from the other side of the river. Please dress for dinner.

PINK MARTINI It's time for digestifs with this little-known Portland indie rock band in the form of pink martinis. (Another whimsical riposte! Do you understand it?!?) Their cutting-edge music is the reason that Portland's on the map as a thriving music town.

PACKY Oregon Zoo's oldest Asian elephant is invited to our rooftop condo to get tipsy on pumpkin port and entitlement. Hopefully Packy can do what the Portland Business Alliance hasn't and clean up the hoi polloi from Pearl District with a good old-fashioned stampede.