Greetings, new and returning students! As a college enrollee, you are about to embark on a fascinating, educational journey that will shape the rest of your life. Sooooo... no pressure. But seriously... PRESSURE. We all know you've fucked a lot of things up. But if you fuck this up? Not only is it going to ruin your future, and your future kids' future, but it will also possibly ruin the futures of everyone on earth. That's why on behalf of everyone on the planet—we need you to be PERFECT. Not half-ass. Not quarter-ass. We're talking FULL-ASS PERFECT, because the world is swiftly heading toward hell in a hand basket (thanks to ourselves and your parents, who half-assed it during school), and we need your absolute best if any of us want to make it out of this shithole alive.

So what do you need to do? Just be a PERFECT STUDENT. That's not so hard, is it? And it'll be even easier with the Mercury's Back-to-School "Perfect Student" guide. We'll teach you how to perfectly do everything perfect—such as improving study habits, impressing your teachers, properly dressing yourself, and scoring a bunch of free stuff so you won't be forced to borrow money from a loan shark and have your legs broken. OH! And we'll also teach you how to perfectly get drunk, perfectly smoke drugs, and perfectly steal money from those idiot rubes in the Student Union.

Support The Portland Mercury

You're not perfect—yet. But read the following pages? And you will be. AHHHHHH, YES. You will be.


Photos by Tim Gunther Modeling by Noah Dunham and Madison Daisy

SLAY Film Fest
In person at the Clinton St. Theater 10/29 & 10/30